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One thing that scares me as a writer is the sheer amount of books that are out there. It's not that I think my work doesn’t stack up to the rest (if that were the case, I would have given up a long time ago), but rather the fear of getting lost in the shuffle. Just walk into your standard Barnes and Noble, look around, and you’ll get the picture with just those scant few books. Walk into a library, and it hits harder.
One good thing about the vast quantities of literature is there’s a good chance you'll find something new and wonderful no matter how long you live. With thousands of years of literature and new material coming out all the time, there’s no way any one person can consume it all. Granted, there’s a lot of crap out there, but let’s try to be optimistic here. There are some real hidden treasures out there. I happened by one such discovery one summer. I was driving down a random neighborhood when I happened by a household that was throwing away a lot of stuff that looked potentially good (hey, I’ve already admitted I do this sort of thing). I stopped to have a look and discovered a pile of treasure: video tapes, video games, and knick-knacks, among others. I took all the stuff home and rustled through it, hoping to find something valuable. There was a lot of junk, but I managed to sift out some real goodies. Among them was an old-looking book bound in blue binding with a little devil caricature on it. I flipped open the book and quickly found the title: The Devil’s Dictionary. At first, I hoped it was an evil spell book that would allow me to exact revenge upon my enemies. As I read the book, however, it turned out that it wasn’t a spell book, but something even better. The Devil’s Dictionary is actually a cynical dictionary packed with jaded terms for everyday life. Okay, maybe not “everyday” these days, but I’m sure this material was fresh when it came out. Written by Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary was apparently a weekly newspaper feature that began in 1881 and ended in 1906. By my guess, the works were collected into a single book in 1911. There apparently were several reprints that ran an amazing six runs (or at least the sixth is the one I’m holding. Actually, there are more versions than this), dating from 1941 to 1944. To summarize, while the book I’m holding is just over sixty years old (and what you could call a relic from the World War II era), the works within are more than one hundred years old. And they’re still funny. Granted, a lot of these words are archaic and the phrasing is a bit confusing, but a lot of this material is still entertaining. As a service to our visitors and to keep at least a part of this work alive, we’ll be featuring a new definition from The Devil’s Dictionary every update. New definitions will be posted on the home page, and an archive of terms will be stored here. Of course, if you want to read them all right away, you can always pick up a copy of the book, so check out eBay or your local bookstore. Enjoy! |
| Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. |
| Befriend, v. To make an ingrate. |
| Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from an egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a black of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew out of the ground where a priest spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightening. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Ætna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. |
| Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. |
| Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. |
| Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. |
| Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. |
| Discrimination, n. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. |
| Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection. |
| Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. |
| Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are “movable” and “immovable,” but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. |
| Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. |
| Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. |
| Glutton, n. A person who escapes of evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. |
| Incumbent, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. |
| Koran, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. |
| Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. |
| Laziness, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. |
| Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. |
| Marriage, n. A state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. |
| Once, adv. Enough. |
| Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything is good, especially the bad, held with the greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptable expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. |
| Photograph, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne. |
| Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. |
| Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics. |
| Repentance, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin. |
| Resident, adj. Unable to leave. |
| Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an account the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. |
| Scrap-Book, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. |
| Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. |
| Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. |
| Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting to piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. |
| Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. |
| Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. |
| Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. |
| Zoology, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, inclding its king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta.) |