Special Ingredients: The Crimes of Kris Kringle

Christmas is an extremely ironic holiday if you think about it with the aid of potent beverages. It’s the one holiday out of the year where it is not only acceptable to decorate and celebrate like crazed Vikings on a good raid, but this is encouraged because of the warm, festive feel of the season, provided by loving and caring corporations.

One of the ways to celebrate Christmas is to hang lights on the outside of the house. This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, since Christmas is celebrated during what is recognized as the coldest season of the year. Meticulously hanging and wiring lights that are as efficient as a garden hose against an erupting volcano in sub-zero temperatures seems moronic, but since the corporations say it’s acceptable, it must be okay. I’ve heard a few times that Jesus was actually born in August (which would make more sense for the outside decorating) and “Christmas” is simply a Pagan holiday that was stolen by the Christian church, but I’m too used to celebrating the birth of Christ four months late to really care.

Another odd aspect of Christmas is the “spirit of giving.” Parents are the ones who get the shaft here. A parent puts a lot of effort into giving while progressively getting less in return. A parent will slave away at a boring job to get a pittance, which they will give to corporations for presents for the kids, who believe, thanks to the corporations, that they have to have their toys for Christmas, or their parents hate them. The presents are then given to the children (who are given everything they need and more to live year round by the parents), who give their parents displays of joy and happiness that last thirteen seconds, after which the children get bored with their presents and go back to being brats. I’m not complaining here, since I’ve done well under this system and I don’t wish to see it changed until (and I would have to believe God is asleep at the wheel if this happens) I have children of my own. That’s when my “learn by suffering” policy comes into affect, which will involve cattle prods if things get out of hand.

Perhaps that’s why Christmas’s figurehead, Santa (who stole Jesus’ top spot a century ago), is himself such a sketchy character, despite his whimsical appearance. In fact, Santa Claus is perhaps the most hardened criminal this world has ever known. The guy has a rap sheet that, should you print it out, you would have to rent out Toledo's Mud Hen Stadium to hold the printout, which would irritate the seven people who regularly go to Mud Hens’ games.

If you need further proof of Santa Claus’s criminal record, here’s a partial list of his crimes:

Traveling Around the World without a Passport: In our times of international turmoil, it’s not only illegal, but just plain discourteous to travel around the world without a passport. The man visits every country in the world without so much as thinking of showing anyone a passport of any kind. Old ladies can’t even get on a plane going from one part of this country to another without being thoroughly searched for potential terrorist paraphernalia, and this guy flies around the world in his own aircraft without any problems whatsoever. Is this justice?

Breaking and Entering: Santa’s MO is fairly consistent. He uses his flying device to land on people’s roofs, where he somehow manages (using some kind of yoga techniques, I suspect) to squeeze down the chimney or other opening in the ventilation system to get into the house, completely uninvited by the homeowners. Worse yet, children are encouraged to allow this person into their homes and even offer him milk and cookies, no doubt provided at the expense of the parents. This man is teaching our children to invite disheveled strangers into our homes without our knowledge and offer them our snack treats as a token of goodwill. I, for one, think we should teach our children why this is not a good situation, preferably by stuffing them into the household chimney. Once they see how cramped it is for them, they will be weary of inviting in a man who weighs six times more than them who can squeeze down there.

I will concede that, unlike most people who break into your house, Santa LEAVES presents behind instead of taking them away. Still, until his motives are made clearer, we can’t accept this as a viable sign of comfort, especial when you consider the next charge.

Lewd Conduct with Minors: Every year, this man demands that children he doesn't know sit on his lap and tell them what they want him to bring them. If this isn’t sick, I don’t know what is. If any other scruffy old stranger wanted your children to sit on his lap and tell them what they wanted him to do for them, you’d mace him and call the police. The fact that parents actually take their children to see this pervert so he can make indecent propositions to their children in public shows the level of deceit this Santa Claus been able to exercise.

Perhaps this explains the offering of milk and cookies. Perhaps Santa explains to the children while they are in his possession he will exchange their milk, cookies and silence for their protection. It is possible that Santa has some sort of stake in the milk and cookies market which finances his operation, but without further investigation, there is no way of knowing for sure.

Copyright and Patent Violation: It is a well known fact that Santa and his elves (more on them later) “make toys for all of the good little girls and boys.” Considering that these children receive name brand products, it is safe to assume that if Santa is responsible for the production of these items, then he is producing cheap knock-offs and distributing them as genuine merchandise. Considering the large number of video, music, and interactive entertainment hardware and software received every year in addition to toys, it is safe to assume that Santa is guilty of countless acts of copyright and patent violation. The monetary penalties for his crimes would likely total in the trillions overall, and it is clear that he will never pay his dues.

The only other alterative is that Santa secretly buys these toys from the manufacturers directly, but I have not found any records or inventory records that would indicate such a large transaction taking place, so it is safe to assume that Saint Nick is a thief. He could be stealing toys directly, or blackmailing companies for toys in exchange for his silence (he has the technology to find out some pretty private things; see below). In any case, he is taking jobs away from millions of hardworking employees who will likely be laid off if this trend continues. In fact, I predict a worldwide depression should parents rely on Santa to sate their children’s desire for presents, with every toy manufacturer on the face of the planet shutting their doors and effectively putting untold numbers out of work. He is a sinister and uncaring man, this Santa Claus.

Illegal Surveillance of Public and Private Properties: Santa is well known for watching children to see if they are “good or bad” at all times. This is very concerning, because we are certain that he will not stop watching during personal moments in a child’s day, thus confirming that he is a pedophile. He watches children all day and all night, allegedly watching their behavior, but we can’t rule out that he could be watching for other reasons, too.

This also brings up international concerns of spying. To monitor every child in the world, Santa must have some very advanced technology and staff on hand. Even though this technology could be used for good, he consistently refuses to share vital information with the rest of the free world. He likely knows the location of dangerous terrorist cells, yet refuses to reveal their locations, thus making our president look like an idiot. We can only assume that Santa is in allegiance with Al Qaeda.

This technology could also potentially be used to control the media, which could explain why Santa has never been caught. For example, if this article contains a remark about stuffing children into chimneys or using a cattle prod on them, we know for sure that Santa hacked into the website and changed key parts to lower my credibility in order to protect his mysterious and sinister plan.

Judgment of Who is Good and Bad without Due Process: We all know that Santa makes his list of those children who are good and bad. In America, we have a court system set up to fairly differentiate the innocent from the guilty, and by single-handedly determining this for himself, Santa is effectively kicking dirt in the face of democracy by operating in the United States. We aren’t a dictatorship, and I now ask that all Democratic readers ignore the last election for contradicting evidence.

If that weren’t bad enough, this illegal judicial system is also wildly inaccurate. Despite rumors that Santa checks his list twice, many bad children receive presents every year while many good children are left out due to poor judgment, possibly caused by intoxication. We suspect that millions of children have potential cases against Santa Claus for presents illegally withheld due to discrimination. I can’t be completely sure, since confirmation would take effort, and I simply don’t have the time to expend effort; this information needs to get out now, and I am willing to sacrifice accuracy for expediency.

Enslavement of Elves: I have confirmation that Santa uses slave labor to assemble his product for shipment every Christmas. The labor comes from “elves,” who seem to be short human beings with pointed ears. I’m not sure why Santa only uses elves for labor, but I suspect it has something to do with their limited stature and his suspected lust for children. It is not clear whether or not these elves are paid for their services, but considering that I was unable to find a retired elf who worked for Santa to interview, we can only assume that he enslaves them from birth until death. It only makes sense.

Where do these “elves” come from? Perhaps he seeks out babies in our hospitals and, using some sort of unknown technology, can determine who will grow up to be extremely short. He then kidnaps these babies and brings them up as his own with the belief that they will be rejected by society should they try to leave his “shop.” If we ever manage to rescue these poor victims, the amount of therapy needed would be astronomical.

Animal Researching and Abuse: It is a fact that Santa Claus flies around in a sleigh pulled by “eight tiny reindeer,” all of whom have the ability to fly. I don’t even want to imagine the medical research that went into creating flying reindeer. How many reindeer were sacrificed to figure out how to make them fly on their own means? And how many were unable to control it? How many of these innocent creatures accidentally floated out of the earth’s atmosphere, only to burn up, suffocate, or explode in the cold, gravity-free vacuum of space? Rumors have circulated that Santa was experimenting on a solution to the problem of fog by creating a reindeer with a nose that illuminated. I don’t want to speculate on the happenings of these experiments more than to say a lot of explosions likely occurred.

Those test subjects who succeed are attached to a sleigh where they have to fly to every house in the world, enduring sub-zero, low-oxygen conditions while pulling an extremely heavy man and millions of presents to the house of every good (and bad, should the list be inaccurate) child in the world in a single night. It is clear that Santa pushes these reindeer to their physical limit, possibly resulting in a need for more flying reindeer to be created. I’m sure that this results in a lot of failed experiments that are currently floating around in the Earth’s orbit. I pleaded for NASA to investigate this, but they kept hanging up on me. It is clear that they are in league with Santa Claus.

Hoarding Resources: We all know that bad children get a lump of coal for Christmas. It is obvious that he is hoarding resources that could be used to help others. Why, if we had Santa’s supply of coal, we may have been able to prevent the recent blackouts that heavily inconvenienced the nation a couple years back and caused many to miss key episodes of American Idol. Instead of using this energy resource for good, Santa uses to punish and insult children. I cringe at the thought of what would happen if he got a hold of uranium.

Illegal Occupation of Land: We only know the approximate vicinity of Santa Claus’s operation, which is allegedly located somewhere in the North Pole. Although exploration has long proven that there is nothing there, I’m convinced that the operation is hiding somewhere close by. In any case, Santa refuses to reveal his operation and has his “shop” is not part of any recognized nation; he is occupying land without declaring it. I’d look that up, but, again, I need to get this information out.

Possession of Illegal Technology: We know for sure that Santa Claus is in possession of some very advanced and potentially dangerous technology. He has the ability to watch anyone in the world at anytime he wishes. He has genetically-altered reindeer that can fly him around the world in a single night (and he likely has a suit that protects him from the extreme cold, made out of some futuristic material). Perhaps most distressing, Santa has been in business for more than one hundred years. He must have some kind of genetic technology that keeps him alive or he simply clones himself. The cloning theory is solid, since sightings of Santa in malls across America are frequent, although each of the clones look slightly different from the original (perhaps he hasn’t perfected the method completely).

Either that, or Santa himself appears at every mall with such speed that he LOOKS like he is in more than one, slightly changing his appearance for some reason, though not nearly enough to hide his identify. Not only does he have very dangerous technology, he’s also really bad at disguises, meaning he could be an idiot. Again, reframe from any jokes about the current president and focus on the problem at hand.

Santa Clause is clearly guilty of many crimes, and yet we don’t know what motives him. Is it greed? Could he use the money from his alleged milk and cookies racket to make illegal knock-offs that he gives away, thus making him to be a truly benevolent being and encouraging people to buy Santa Claus-related merchandise, of which he also has a stake in? Could it be that he operates simply to fulfill his perverse desire for children? Or could he really be the bringer of goodwill the world over? Considering all of his crimes, the last option seems unlikely.

It makes me wonder why we can’t catch this guy. Of course, we can’t catch another famous fugitive with a tacky beard and a weird hat, but at least the other guy doesn’t break into your house and make passes at your children. I think it’s time that the American government got its priorities straight and catch Santa Claus, bringing his reign of terror to an end once and for all.

If the government won’t do anything about it, I suggest that the people take it into their own hands to bring Santa Claus to justice. I suggest waiting at midnight on Christmas Eve (when he supposedly appears at every house in the world at the same time; the cloning technology at work? Or some kind of advanced holograms?) with a loaded rifle trained on the chimney or the ventilation ducts. Let your children sleep close by to lure him in; it may be dangerous, but I think we can agree that it is worth it. Use milk and cookies to help lure him, too. Just remember to keep hidden and take him down quickly; who knows what kind of defense he possesses.

Another option that won’t put your children and snack treats in danger is to send me money, which I will use to finance the site and spread the word about Santa’s evil operation. His popularity will wane, his merchandise sales will plummet, and his operation will be forced to shut down for good. Only you can protect our children from this deranged criminal. Send your money now so I can start buying personal things and we can make Christmas truly merry again. Thank you.