The central topic is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the risqué comic book-turned pop culture phenomenon. TMNT was a big hit in the late eighties and early nineties, spawning cartoons, movies, action figures, countless novelties, (ironically) comic books, and a generation of children who will the thoughts of ninjas etched in their brains for the rest of their lives.

With the premiere of the new TMNT animation having come and gone, I found that, even though I never saw one episode of the new show, the Turtles were suddenly creeping their way back into my life. It started innocently enough: a friend of mine and I spent a weekend at my mother’s cottage in the summer of 2002. There was a garage sale up the road, and since she and I have a fancy for such things, we visited a couple of times. While I was there, I came across something completely unexpected: a foot-tall TMNT Treasure Troll figure. While I didn’t take the fifty-cent plunge, the doll later made its way into my possession after the family decided to give everything away.

Nothing much else happened in the way of Turtles, outside of my constant insistence that the entire original series be released on DVD. Then, on November 7, 2003, I happened by yet another garage sale and happened by, of all things, a Pizza Thrower vehicle. I paid my fifteen cents and walked away faintly excited. It was after that that I realized I needed to write something down about this topic. The resolve was solidified after I purchased six TMNT tapes for a dollar a piece.

Over the course of the month, I sat down and watched the tapes with a level of flighty enthusiasm. The first episode I watched was "Invasion of the Turtle Snatchers," chosen based on the highly scientific decision that it was only twenty-eight minutes and it was getting late. The video tape loaded and play pressed, I sat back with mounting anticipation, and finally, after all the years, I beheld: a Burger King ad.

I should mention that this tape was a Burger King promotional way back in the early nineties. Burger King included a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tape containing one episode with each kid’s meal for an extra $1.99 (if I'm remembering correctly). This was a smart move, because not only did the kids get something besides a cheap toy, which they get bored with after approximately nine seconds (the national average for Fast Food Toy Boredom from 1988 - 1992; now the figure is three seconds), but Burger King gets a timeless advertising medium and parents get about twenty minutes of freedom whenever the little ankle-biters decide to watch the tape. From an business standpoint, the TMNT tape promotion equals the Louisiana Purchase.

The Burger King commercial actually surprised me in how creative and well-produced it was. The animation quality of the characters and their fluid blending into the live-action portions of the commercial (and visa versa), coupled with the overall quality of the timing, scripting, and special effects made me wonder where the advertising industry had gone astray over the last decade. Instead of wonderfully enjoyable ads like this, we get stuck with commercials of Austin Powers and Brittney Spears exchanging blows. On second thought, maybe we don’t have it so bad.

Anyway, after the commercial, the feature presentation began. When the opening animation began, it was like I was a kid again, sitting in front of the television, wondering what adventures the Turtles would have this time. On another level, I was impressed by the quality and detail of the animation, which by far surpassed anything airing on US airwaves today. This astonishment was perhaps partly why the disappointment of the actual episode was almost painful.

For the next twenty minutes, I was bombarded with suspect animation quality, lazy production errors (such as nunchucks appearing on Donatello’s back, which is a crime worthy of the death penalty), simple character design, hokey dialogue ripe with uninspired one-liners, and combat scenes that were cheesy at best. These weren’t the Turtles that I left back in my childhood; somehow, they were replaced by this pandering ballet of rushed production values and half-hearted concepts.

It was true; this was the show that I used to worship when I was a young lad. As disappointed as I may have seemed, though, I actually enjoyed watching the show. It was a refreshing look back at my past and I found myself appreciating what was done right. There were a few elements of the show that struck me as unusual, though.

First of all, it struck me as odd how the Ninja Turtles weren’t very ninja-like. While they manage to hide from humanity in general pretty well, their general tactics seem to rely on storming into a fight, which didn’t seem like a good idea, what with their lack of martial arts skills.

To be honest, I have no doubt that the Turtles have finely-honed ninja skills. The problem is, the animators didn’t see things quite the same way. Although the Turtles never lost a single battle in the end, they seem to have quite the struggle with enemies that can’t fight. I watched the second episode with Hoolkam, the rabbit from the Fairy Tail dimension (don’t ask), and observed the Turtles locked in combat with a street gang, and seemed to actually be struggling to defeat them. I don’t care how tough a street gang is; when one is armed with ancient ninja techniques, a gang of untrained punks shouldn’t pose any threat at all. Animators draw the darnedest things.

Another thing that I noticed, while we’re on the subject of ninja skills, is how Donetello managed to hide the turtle blimp on top of a building in "Sky Turtles." He claims that he stashed it their just in case, but how does one go about landing a blimp on top of a random building in New York City and no one seems to notice? Either New Yorkers are used to green blimps being parked on high rises or it’s some kind of ninja technique at work. If it is the latter, the animators have a lot of explaining to do about those fight scenes.

Also, how do the Turtles acquire all of their goods? I mean, the weapons they use would be hard enough to come by, what with them not being able to actually go out and buy them without causing suspicion, and how do they get the parts to build all of those nifty vehicles? I’m not sure how hard blimp parts are to gather, but I’m sure it’s not an easy task.

Another thing is the pizza obsession. This is perfectly fine, since pizza is probably one of mankind’s greatest accomplishments, right up there with the Nintendo Entertainment System and hentai, but how is it that they can afford to buy it for every meal? The position of Ninja Turtle doesn’t seem to pay well, so how is it they can afford pizza with an income of zero, yet I can’t afford any such food at an anime’ convention? Of course, at a convention, I can’t even afford a single Tic Tac off of the floor, since I just spent my last bit of gasoline/food/hotel money on a Galaxy Fraulein Yuna figure that I ABSOULTELY HAVE TO HAVE, so my arguments on the issue of food expenses are a moot point.

I do wonder how it is that simply by removing their face masks, putting on some normal clothes, and covering part of their head with a hat or glasses or something, no one can tell that they aren’t human. Again, I’m guessing this is either a tolerance of New Yorkers or more ancient ninja techniques, so the argument needn’t go any further.

Another concern I have is how the bad guys are so incredibly stupid. With Bebop and Rocksteady, it’s understandable, but Shredder is supposed to be a ninjustu master, second to Splinter, yet he is defeated by being tripped. Not just out of nowhere either, but actually running into the Turtles when they crouch down, with plenty of time to stop himself. Plus, for being all brain, Krang can’t design an effective ninja robot to save his life.

The finally nagging tidbit I noticed after watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is how hot April O’Neil is. I mean, she always wears that form-fitting yellow suit, and her character design is busty and drawn to give her a flirtatious appearance. Even the Turtles notice this in the costume party episode, where April dresses up and all of them start drooling over her like hormone-crazed teenagers, which I suppose they are. Perhaps this is the same reason why many Disney female leads appear to appeal to horny males. Those darned animators.

Overall, the Turtles weren’t as cool as I remembered them, but I still enjoyed watching the show again. While the sad fact exists that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was by far more product than art, the resounding success of the franchise is proof positive that it was an entertaining concept. It wasn’t fine art by any stretch of the imagination, but the show was miles ahead of most other programs.

I found my experience watching these episodes to be quite a pleasant reminder of the good old days when ninjas were still cool, pizza was a logical staple in anyone’s diet, and merchandising departments bled every last drop out of a franchise. Actually, these points are pretty much true today, so, like this entire article, that statement didn't accomplish anything. Turtle power!