Play-Doh Havoc
Chris Zasada December 2, 2004

Those of us who have grown up in the last twenty-five years or so know that we had access to some pretty great toys. From popular lines such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the more obscure Barnyard Commandos, there have some truly unique products that forced us kids to get away from the NES every once in a while.

The most enduring toy lines, however, seem to be the ones that allow kids to create things. These products tend to be popular for decades, attracting the attention of one generation of kids after the other. I’m sure every kid has played with Legos at some time or another. The appeal of building up massive structures from small building blocks gives children an effective creative outlet, by which I mean they can play God. I'm sure this skill will be useful in the real world, where kids-turned-adults will learn that they control the very essence of civilization. Just look how I turned out! I grew up to write this article, and you’re stuck reading it! I’m controlling your time!

Other popular toy lines allowed kids to create everything from toys to sweets. Take the highly popular Easy Bake Oven, or the recent (I say recent because it came out when I was ten) Creepy Crawlers. Not that every toy making machine went over well. I'm sure no one remembers the Vac-U-Former line of toy car makers, and if you want to maintain your optimism, I suggest you never look into it any further than that.

But when it came to complete creative control, however, nothing beat the legendary Play-Doh. It was an extremely simple and frequently copied concept, but Play-Doh allowed kids to create just about anything their imagination could conjure. Well, except for me. I couldn’t sculpt a ball, but that’s okay, since the other appeal of Play-Doh is the ability to squash your creation flat. Plus, there were many official, non-official, and home-brewed molds to create things that looked convincing, which you could then squash flat.

Recently, I received a free jar of Play-Doh. It was good timing, since all of mine had long since become a harden, lethal chunk of rock. I had been considering buying some, even if it was just a knock-off, but I had better things to do with my hard-earned dollar, like purchasing foam dart guns.

I opened the tiny jar and smiled at its contents: a completely untouched cylinder of red Play-Doh. There’s something magical about picking up a new cylinder of Play-Doh, knowing that you’ll be the first to mold it into wonderful creations. I’m trying my best to avoid a sex analogy, because this site is too classy for that sort of thing.

Speaking of classy, the next item on the new Play-Doh Procedure checklist is to take a good whiff of the stuff. Play-Doh has an odor that’s almost addicting, like the smell of gasoline. That might explain what happened from this point on.

I dug out my old Play-Doh molds, and with all the tools in place, got to work on my creation. I began balling the Play-Doh into a manageable lump. Then, I selected a mold. Apparently, I had a set of farm-themed molds. The only ones I could find were of a farmer woman and a farmer girl and an assortment of animals, but that was all right. I decided to go with the humans, since I wasn’t in the mood to reenact the works of George Orwell.

I pressed the molds and peeled out my creation, and they turned out pretty well. After taking off the excess Doh, I realized there was enough to make another animal, so I decided to go with a pig, since I managed to dig that mold out a few minutes earlier. I still had more Play-Doh, so I decided to make a chicken, since it was small enough. While it wasn’t completely formed, it was good enough. I still had some extra Doh on the edges, so I used that to sculpt a completely original and, in my opinion, devastating detailed character.

This is how it all turned out. I decided to name the two woman Suzy and Mary-Ann, respectively, because for some reason those names popped into my head and I didn't want to expend too much effort thinking of anything better. I didn’t name the animals because I didn’t want to get too attached (let’s face it, these are farmers, and they have to make a living somehow). I named the little faceless mutant Sid, because I like that name. As you can see from the picture, they look like a loving family, which is good, because Sid is going to need a lot of personal talks. Just look at the poor guy; he’s definitely going to get picked on at school. All in all, it seems like a good start for the happy family, until…

Uh oh. Atamagaokashii the Ninja suddenly appeared, and he looked pretty upset. My guess is that he was pissed because my original plan for a feature was to paint him a more suitable ninja-like color. You need to look no further than the pictures, where he glows like a motel sign. Instead of fixing him up, I’m playing with Play-Doh instead, and he seemed none too pleased.

With a one swift motion, Atamagaokashii slaughtered the family mercilessly. Sid managed to escape, left with the image of the family that loved him so brutally decimated.

With tears in, uh, the place where his eyes would be, he forced himself up and took up one of the blades that Atamagaokashii dropped. He stood firmly against his enemy, vowing vengeance as he faced down the monster that killed his loved ones.

With a single strike, Atamagaokashii forced the blade from Sid’s hands, leaving him helpless on the ground. The ninja loomed over poor Sid, prepared to finish him off and claim victory. Atamagaokashii would have won, too, if he hadn’t forgotten one important thing…

PLAY-DOH DOESN’T DIE.

During the battle, the remains of Sid’s family miraculously formed themselves into a blob that shaped itself into a tentacle. The blob wrapped itself around Atamagaokashii’s head and balled up around his face. Sid cheered victoriously as Atamagaokashii slowly fell to the ground, defeated. The family and Sid eventually returned to the Play-Doh jar where they await resurrection into a different form, preferably one that doesn’t involve ninjas.

I think we learned a lot about this incident. First, I really need to find something better to do with my free time. Another lesson is that we all need to keep our ninjas happy, or they will royally screw over your attempts at a quality piece. Finally, buy some Play-Doh, because it’s fun. Just keep your ninjas in check.