No PDA with the PDA
Chris Zasada February 2, 2005

I got myself a palm computer last summer, rescued from the clutches of perverse bargain hunters from of garage sale. It’s not one of those fancy pants Windows-based ones that can do something useful, but this one can look useful. Most importantly, it looks cool, which is the only reason why men really need anything.

I didn’t hold out too much hope for it when I bought it. The Palm was made in 2000, when laptops were still cinderblocks that used electricity, but I figured there were worse ways to spend fifteen dollars, like on something as completely useless such as food. Besides, a McDonald’s double cheeseburger can’t hold a to-do list AND schedule appointments, no matter how damn tasty they are. I concede that eating fifteen dollars worth of double cheese burgers regularly will limit the things that you can do by limiting your to-do list to “eat more” and “try to breathe,” which should be easy enough to remember without the aid of an organizer. Also, the sexy appearance you would gain from eating all those cheeseburgers will help ensure no one will ever want to make those troublesome appointments with you ever again, so perhaps the PDA and the double cheeseburger both have their place in the time management philosophy.

The Palm computer is just one of the many ways that men have been stroking their egos via technology. Technology is the one exception to the rule of men’s constant desire for things that are bigger. Men usually lust after things that are bigger, such as bigger cars, bigger houses, bigger female endowments, bigger male endowments, ect. Given, men always want technology that is faster and more powerful, but as far as physical size goes, large size is less manly.

The exception here is television size. If you’re a man, whatever television you have right now is not big enough. Actually, it’s the screen size that matters. With the advent of plasma TVs, men brag about how thin their TV is compared to how large the desirable part, the screen, measures up. In fact, it’s a lot like how men compare women.

The ideal male entertainment center (within the limits of a common household living room. No enclosure is too large for a man) would be a television that takes up the entire wall (the BIG wall), yet is thin as a piece of cardboard. The Dolby 5.1 surround sound system would consist of speakers the size of dimes, yet are powerful enough to cause the house to collapse in on itself. The actual components, such as the DVD player, VCR (for that retro feel), stereo, and so forth would be barely big enough to hold all of their own parts, yet be able to produce top-of-the-line video and sound. They would be tucked away in a sleek compartment in a wall (one of the non-TV walls) the size of a twenty-four pack and would be controlled via the guy’s mind, so he can be freed from the troublesome task of moving. Speaking of twenty-four packs, beer would somehow be conveniently dispensed so the guy needn’t expend any effort, and naked women would somehow be involved in the equation. I can’t go into it anymore because now all I can think about is all that sexy technology.

Other than TVs, men generally focus on having their technology smaller and more powerful. I’m typing this on a laptop that can not only outperform the room-sized monstrosities that were the early computers by millions of times, it could also, if provoked, print obscene messages on those computers’ punch cards on its own will. The point is that you’re not going to impress anyone with your UNIVAC computer in your garage, unless, of course, you use it as a conversation piece, provided you don't actually use it for anything productive. That’s where it transcends the rules and becomes cool again, because it’s a useless relic that is neat because no one managed to scrap it to use as components for talking Elmo dolls that are, ironically, smarter than the original computer.

I predict that technology will continue to get smaller and more powerful as time goes on. Eventually, technology will be integrated into human beings themselves, so, technically, it will be so small that it won’t exist, since no one can see it. People will be walking around having cell phone conversations without a phone, creating mind-blowing and tangible sales presentations in their head while they have brunch with clients, and watching pornography during a department meeting. I can imagine the arguments men will have with each other over their augmentations. I can picture a guy loudly proclaiming in the middle of a crowd, “Oh yeah?! Well, you should see the size of MY computer cable!”

Until that point, I’ll be sitting around with my Palm Pilot, inputting important appointments, such as the next time I should watch pornography (you’d be surprised how easy it is to forget). I just hope that as our technology advances, men begin to realize that the kid with the best toys is not necessarily the best kid. They also better keep their hands off my computer cable.