Like the pathetic punishments of grade school, eBay’s penalties for violating the rules only hurt the criminal if they know they’re being punished. If they don’t give a reserve price about their account status, then the consequences become inconsequential.

I decided to search eBay for a Playstation Portable system. This innovation was spurred by a bad deal with a local seller. I was at my favorite entertainment store, Allied Record Exchange, when a man was trying to sell an NES with a questionable power cord. They refused, but I took the guy outside and paid him twenty bucks for the system. He told me that he had a Nintendo Gamecube he could sell me for thirty-five. He also said that he had a PSP he would sell me for one hundred thirty with two games, a pretty good deal. I waited for a half hour, and he brings over the Gamecube and nothing else. When I questioned him, he said that he would bring the PSP by my workplace, but asked if I could put some money down on it first. I refused, and told him to come by and I would purchase it.

He never did, which was good, because I would have beat him to death with the RF adapters that he gave me with both systems, which didn’t work. I would have been comfortable with using the Gamecube to finish him off, since it had an internal error and couldn’t keep the time, something he obviously knew was an issue. I still managed to make a little money on the stuff, with a few replacement parts and a lower price, but the PSP itch was still there, so I set out to scratch it.

In fine eBay fashion, getting one was nearing impossible, since I was competing against frothing eBay eDiots who were willing to pay more than necessary just to win. I looked around for a while, bidding on dozens of units, until I won one, and for a good price, from vdubfox91.

The only issue was vdubfox91 asked for thirty-five dollars to ship the unit, which is around four times more than the actual cost. I called him out on it and asked him what it would cost to ship Media Mail. He got back to me right away, though the response was not encouraging. He asked if Media Mail was “like regular mail” and wanted to know my address, even though he should have had it. I sent him the information anyway, and waited.

This set off a series of e-mails and even a phone call, with no luck. He wasn’t replying to the e-mails, and his phone was disconnected. I pleaded with eBay to void the transaction, but they couldn’t seem to stay focused long enough to get around to it. I was tempted to send my payment in anyway, but after I found out the phone was disconnected, I decided it was time to call it quits.

Then after three weeks, I got a reply. Vdubfox91 started out by kind of apologizing and making excuses about things being “hecktic” and being a noob. Then he claims he didn’t get any shipping instructions or payment, even though this information was provided right away. Then it gets a little nasty, indicating that he was appalled that I would get upset when my hundred dollar plus sale is being ignored. He then gives me a confidence booster by saying he doesn’t care about his account. Here, take a look:

sorry about that, i have a some hecktic stuff goin on here. so report me to ebay if u like...it makes no difference to me, my first time selling anything and probably my last. sorry for your unsatisfaction. i am still awaiting payment, and am awaiting shiping instructions as where to ship it. thanks alot. by the way no real need for you to give me as much shit as you did. leave me all the bad feedback u want, whatever. i really don't care if i have the greatest e-bay account in the world.

Against my better judgment, I offered to buy the system from him if he cut me a deal. That e-mail was immediately returned “undeliverable,” meaning vdubfox91’s e-mail was now defunct. Perhaps, it seems, like his attention span.