Random Acts of Nerdness: A Thirty-Minute Haunted Extravaganza

At some point two days before Halloween, I got it in my head to do some decorating. I’m not taking about throwing some random air-powered decoration on the lawn and calling it a night. If I ever reach that point of celebratory contempt for my fellow man, I’ll probably do it while escaping the police, who would be hunting me down for breaking into a preschool and skinning all of the children. I’ll make shoes out of the skin of the young before I would show such disregard for humanity by putting out a blow-up decoration.

I figured since I have my own place now, it was about time I bring out the frights by setting out some creepy exhibits. I was also motivated by the fact our house might actually see some trick-or-treaters, since we live in a subdivision where lazy modern kids are most likely going to tread. My mother’s house is located on a main street where the houses are spread out to a point where you can’t lean your head on one and rest your feet and another, a distance too great for today’s children to attempt without oxygen tanks and Sherpas. There were some years we didn’t get one trick-or-treater.

I figured it was about time I use the massive quantities of Halloween paraphernalia I’ve gathered over the years, acquired mostly from post-Halloween clearance sales. While I’m a sucker for cheap creepy crap, when I get it home, there isn’t a whole lot I can do with it, and I’ve never really bothered to decorate outside since no one ever showed up. This year would be different.

I’m no stranger to pulling of ghoulish scares against Halloweenies, just a passing acquaintance. Years ago, C and I, decked out in black suits (because they were the coolest fashion we had ever known), handed out candy and frights at his house. Our entire routine consisted of one of us lying on the ground next to the sidewalk, then reaching out and grabbing kids as the walked by. While this sounds like a really stupid gag, it actually worked a couple of times. Who says kids are jaded?

My crowning achievement was sending a kid screaming down the sidewalk, most likely scarring him for life. It may not have been that much of a challenge, since he was maybe three, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he grew up to be a teenage serial killer. It’s the little things you do in life that make a big impact.

Shockingly, not everyone was fooled by our brilliant ruse. One set of skeptics pointed to C when it was his turn to be dead and said he was real and probably going to jump up at them. Not wanting to miss an opportunity, I told them “No, no! He’s not getting up! He’s not real!” while kicking him a few times in the side. Apparently, the kids felt I would never consider kicking someone in the ribs just to pull a Halloween pranks, so they cautiously took some candy and was about to go on their way when C reached out and grabbed them. Had he not gotten an immediate pay off, I’m sure he would have kicked me in the ribs later that night while I was pretending to be dead by sleeping.

This ingenious concept disintegrated the following year, where my big scare tactic was walking around C’s neighborhood dressed as a kindly old woman who offered other children treats. The trick was there was a monster head in the bag for them to discover, thus sending them straight to the nearest mental institution. Unbelievably, this might have only worked on one kid, who was probably more concerned than scared. In retrospect, walking around at night dressed as an elderly member of the opposite sex and offering children a treat from my bag was probably an activity that sat on the borderline of illegal, but it was all in the name of fun, and it’s not like I don’t carry a real machete around these days.

My main inspiration for attempting this demented decorating this year was the haunted prison I visited the weekend before. While I was by no means equipped to present a series of scares on the caliber presented there (I didn’t have any shrill screaming mannequins, hired goons to jump out at people, an abandoned prison, or tens of thousands of dollars of nightly revenue to play with), I wanted to experiment with some options and see if I could come up with something better with some time, effort, and more discount Halloween gear. For now, I would try to make my front porch as unsettling as I could in thirty minute or less. Here are the ultimate results:

If this doesn’t strike terror in your heart, you might as well skip Hell, because it ain’t going to faze you. This shot would have been way creepier had I taken the time to use a better camera, but at this point, I was over my thirty-minute mark and not willing to waste any more time taking photos no one is going to give me money for. It’s a shame that Guardian sign didn’t glow like that all the time. It would definitely scare potential burglars away all year long. After all, if someone has glowing security signs, what else are they packing in that house? Same thing with the reflection of the light makes it look like there are two evil little ghouls at the door. Yep, those are definitely not servants of Satan I summoned to Earth for the occasion, so Jack Chick doesn't need to show up at my door! No sir! Wait, why wouldn't I want him in my house, preferably without telling anyone where he was going, so we could have a little chat? Drat...

BRRRR!!! Here’s a shot of the red light. Nothing special, but it did make the porch sixty-three percent creepier. The real horror was getting that damn light cover off to change to bulb, as it was a cheap light fixture, just like everything else the trailer trash who lived their before us left behind (something I’ll rant on later). It took me fifteen minutes to figure out how to get the cover off, and I was surprised that it did come off without the entire ceiling coming with it. I was also surprised I didn’t stir up a nest of hidden, dormant wasps.

[post-modern update: turns out when I put the original light back on, I didn't secure it properly and it caught on the door during a windstorm, hurtling the cover to the porch and shattering a section of it the following March. Figures the door could get the damn thing off more easily than I could...]

It actually looked better with the cover off, allowing more light to ooze over everything, but the porch was already looking pretty rundown with the posts, and a bare bulb might have added to the effect. Actually, this would have looked good, but I’m not taking the damn thing off until the bulb burns out, the fact that it provides no useful light be damned. Actually, the street lamp across the street drowns out a lot of the light, so it probably doesn’t matter.

GASP! The first thing my victims will encounter is this light-up tombstone. I had half a mind to write “The last kid who wore a ‘This is my costume’ t-shirt” on it, but I was worried I couldn’t fit all that on, and laziness had set in by this point, and this was the first thing I set out. I shoved a skeletal hand in the bush next to it for good measure.

Fun Fact #1: If you grew up in the early- to mid-nineties, you might remember those toy arms that you stuck your hand in and pulled some tabs with your finger, causing the fingers on the toy to curl. Yeah, it’s a pretty redundant toy, but it gives you the chance to have a decent looking skeleton or cyborg arm with working hand. Or in this case, a cheesy, last-minute prop for a poorly-thought out display.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?! Next up, we have this little cutie. A while ago, I found someone throwing out some parts from some life-sized dolls for girls. I figure I could use these for something disturbing, a sentiment I’m sure anyone who saw me haul off naked doll parts from someone’s trash. So take heed, you perverts: I wasn’t using these parts for some twisted sexual desire, I was using them for a twisted violent desire. That’s so much more acceptable!

Fun Fact #2: That burlap sack was a trick-or-treating bag with adorable designs on the outside before it sprung a leak. Rather toss it, I turned it inside out and used it for various deviant Halloween pranks, Once again, we find something sweet and innocent turned into an object of abject horror. Not so sure about the doll, though. Those dead eyes that stare back at you when you tilt them up are the stuff of nightmares.

ARGH!!!! After shivering at the dead doll for a while, the trick-or-treater will avert their stare and land on the next horror: chunky blood! Actually, it’s just old strawberry jelly I grabbed out of my mother’s refrigerator. In reality, this stuff is probably scarier than blood, since it expired over seven years ago. You think I’m joking.

I wanted to smear this stuff on the dolls and that, but I’d probably have to toss them afterwards, because this jelly may have turned toxic. Naturally, it isn’t going to bother me that small children can sample this noxious delight if they were foolish enough to eat chunky blood they found lying around the ground, but I’ll be damned if it’ll get on my Halloween stuff. In any case, should he or she survive the venomous jam, the innocent child will follow the increasingly-thicker trail of jelly blood until they discover…

AAAHHH! A MONSTER! Yeah, not nearly as disturbing as the dolls, but I figured there were bushes next to the walkway, so what the hell. If there’s one person who turns around and gets startled by this thing, it’ll be a small miracle. One granted by Satan, but a miracle none the less. But after that one person stands there fighting off cardiac arrest, they’ll peer a little higher and see…

OH MY GOD, SHE’S DEAD! Here’s the other doll I fished out. I didn’t have a shirt for the poor girl, but at least she can save some of her modesty with those fun khaki pants I found her in. Not that it really matters, because SHE’S DEAD! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I loved the way this turned out, especially when the wind turns to body around ever so subtly. The problem with this is when she turns around, people can’t see her open, dead eyes. I absolutely love this touch and wanted to use it with the other doll, but I didn’t have time to glue the eyes open. I tried propping her up, but this didn’t look natural. Not that the other position did look natural, because she’s a broken doll in a burlap sack laying on the ground. Aesthetically, I think both of them complement each other well, and I’ll look for more dolls in the future to mutilate. This is what happens when you don’t have a younger sister who has Barbies to take these urges out on.

On the topic of the shirtlessness, I seriously had concerns someone would be offended. Not because of the depiction of a lynching, mind you, but the fact it’s a female doll who’s topless. I just can’t wait to walk out and discover the police pulling up to talk to me about my indecent exposure hanging off my porch.

You think this won’t happen. Clearly you’ve never thought about America’s completely idiotic taboo logic, wherein depictions of extreme gore, violence, and death are merely thin ice for a five-year-old, but nothing a little talking to can’t fix. The moment a boob comes out of its hoister, however, it’s Moral Red Alert, with shouting, waving of the source of the boob (this is especially drastic if the direct source of the boob is an actual person), and a thick layer of shame topped with disappointment. This is despite the fact nudity is natural. A woman bares her chest every time she changes clothes or showers and the world keeps spinning, yet if you bury a knife in that same chest, the results aren’t so pretty.

As I was putting this up before heading off to other endeavors, my fiancée, Christy, actually demanded I cover my hanging girl’s chest up because she thought she had too big of breasts (two jokes: 1 – both of them 2 – this is an oxymoron). Again, the hanging didn’t disturb her as much as a bare-chested doll did. I’m not making this up.

I’m also not making up the fact I argued with her that it was a doll and no one would care. But because Christy is going to be my wife within the year (although I have my doubts with her attitude towards my artistic creations) and she threatened to take it down when I wasn’t there, I conceded and used an old rag to cover up the offending bumps. This Halloween, artistic integrity took a backseat to marital bliss.

However, God apparently saw how idiotic this was and commanded the wind to blow the top just enough to reveal the blasphemous doll rack. If you are responsible for this, God, I apologize for everything bad I’ve ever said about you.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! So if the indecency doesn’t finish off my guests, our final main attraction will: Death! I picked this cute little bugger up at Wal-Mart after Halloween for a heavily discounted price. This is because he didn’t have the package, his left hand wasn’t attached, and the left eye doesn’t work. None of these were a problem; I need to open it to use it, the hand wasn’t hard to fix, and the single eye looks kind of cool. Notice the little cat statues at his feet. Not scary, but it adds to the mood.

The problem I discovered while decorating, however, was the sensor that makes him light up and spout idiotic Halloween phrases at passers by didn’t work. You have to tap his skull to make him work, as if he suffers from severe narcolepsy and has to be bonked back into consciousness. It’s probably just as well, since most of what he has to say is so far from scary it’s not even in the same state, save for one phrase, where he calls his visitors victims, then corrects himself.

WHAT THE?!?! At this point, the trick-or-treater is probably running down the street by now, which is a shame, because they would miss out on the window decorations. On the right, we have some wonderful skull snow globes. I found these babies at the Dollar Tree, and though most of the stuff there is poorly made, these guys are actually really detailed. I loved the way the looked in the window, though I’m sure no one would notice, which is crime against Halloween that’s four degrees less severe than Holyween.

Finally, in the left window, we have a CRAZY MONSTER HEAD! YARGH! This was just a mask I had since the eighties, and I wanted to throw something in the other window. Since it’s thin enough to fit between the window and blinds, it won the spot by default. That’s not a camera imperfection, by the way, that’s humidity, since that’s the bathroom window. It kind of makes it a little creepier, but fairly week. I wouldn’t feel bad if someone keeled over from the sight of this, though, because let’s face it: if anyone dies from this thing, they wouldn’t make it past this upcoming presidential election anyway.

The trick-or-treaters won’t even be able to get their treats without being terrified, as they have to wrest them from the SKULL BOWL! YIKES! I also picked this thing up at Wal-Mart on clearance. To think I felt stupid for buying it. Who’s stupid now?!

So there’s my spooky Halloween thrill-porch. Sure, it’s fairly lame, but ultimately not a bad job for thirty minutes of work using random Halloween props I had lying around. I only wish I could see people’s reactions to it, but sadly, I’ll be taking part in my usual Halloween tradition: trick-or-treating.

However, this display does inspire me. C will hopefully be around Oregon next Halloween, and I’m thinking of converting the garage into a haunted house. My plan is to hit a couple of stores the day after Halloween and stock up, because now I have a purpose. Of course, who knows if this plan will go through, because I should be married by then. And that’s a horror I can never hope to convey.

Wait, not because of who I’m marrying! Because of the fact I’m getting married! No! I didn’t mean it like that! I meant it’s frightening because an immature imp like me is getting married! Yep, that’s it!

Man, that was scary.