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Gussy Up, Glass City, It’s Mayor Campaignin’ Time! Chris Zasada October 25, 2005 |
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It’s that time once again when the pleasant swelter of summer gives way to the persistent chill of fall. Not long from now, the day when evil beings come back to terrorize the living will be upon us, and I have little doubt these beings will show any mercy as they burden us with their infernal demands. As alluded in the Bible, there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
That’s right, it’s almost time to elect a new mayor. Like most of you, I don’t usually get into local politics, as the blasphemy factor is usually relatively low, whereas the retaliation factor is entirely too high to make it worth while. I live in Oregon, so I’ll take the time to focus on the circus that is the Toledo mayor race. There’s no real reason to talk about the Oregon mayoral race, because all of the candidates are extremely wonderful people who would never do anything to hurt me and are way too important to read things in brackets [actually, these candidates are usually boring old guys and no one cares, since Oregon is currently doing well for itself. The moment there’s a problem, though, then we’ll start to care. That’s a moot point this year, since there is a sum total of one mayoral candidate. Seriously. Come to think of it, this would make presidential elections so much easier...]. Toledo’s mayoral race, however, is heating up fast, mainly because they have two solid candidates who have presidential-level personality deficiencies. The first candidate is former Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who managed to run a successful two-term campaign that, by the end, had three-fourths of Toledo hating his guts. But this doesn’t bother Carty, who believes in the philosophy “when push comes to shove, shove back so hard that push rolls backwards down several flights of stairs and ruptures a few vital organs.” The major criticism of Carty is his in-your-face attitude, which was landmarked when he allegedly shoved an owner of an Erie Street Market store while he was still mayor, which you better believe Toledoans got to hear about approximately forever. Carty even had his own segment on a local news channel called “Carty and Company” after his mayoral stead, where he took time to talk about deeply important issues, like how the current mayor has the political fortitude of a crayfish. The other major candidate is the current mayor, Jack Ford. He doesn’t suffer from the enhanced testosterone levels that Carty is inflicted with. In fact, Ford doesn’t appear to secrete any enzymes, opting instead to sit in his office and look mayoral. Given Toledo’s relative size compared to New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and the like, the life-sized cardboard cutout method of politics is really all that’s necessary. Of course, when the recent riots broke out on Sweetest Day, Ford was suddenly struck with a crisis in his fair city, and his obvious reaction was something to the effect of “What the hell?!” Clearly, dealing with crisis like this wasn’t in his job description, and yet news venues from around the country started harassing him for information well into the night. At the end of that day, Ford appeared to have suffered several concurrent strokes, a natural mechanism his body was trying to inflict to make the reporters run for help, during which time he would escape. What his body didn’t take into account was these were news reporters, and as such, couldn’t be bothered to summon help in light of news. If his body tried anything more drastic, you can bet the reporters would stick around to cover it in great detail. The headline would read: “Mayor Jack Ford Spontaneously Combusts!” with a subheading of “Burns for three and four-fifths minutes before turning into a pile of ash.” All of the suffering and responsibly paid off though, as Mayor Ford proudly used the riots as a basis for a meaningful and stirring campaign ad, where, if you were to take the message at face value, states that he single-handily stopped the riots. I rather like this angle, and can’t wait to see more of these commercials, just to see how the epic adventures of Mayor Ford turn out. Early reports say he storms into the evil Neo-Nazi stronghold located in Alabama and, using nothing but pencil shavings and a single match, burns down the compound, but only after having a dramatic battle with a cyborg controlled by Hitler’s brain. I can’t wait for it to come out on DVD. Speaking of which, Ford had an interesting sign in Oregon (geography isn’t his strong suit, it seems) that, I swear, had a completely un-retouched Ghostbusters logo on it (he apparently doesn’t have any concept of copyright laws, either) with the informative slogan “Carty Busters.” I’m not sure what relevance Ghostbusters has to Carty. Maybe he really likes the movies, or maybe what the Ford campaign is saying that he’s a racist. If you consume a few refreshing beverages similar to those the Ford campaign staff was chugging, the ghost in the Ghostbusters logo kind of looks like a Ku Klux Klan member, if you squint enough. I’m probably reading too far into this, but it seems Ford is saying Carty invited his Neo-Nazi brethren into Toledo for a little Sweetest Day get-together with some city-wide riots for entertainment. The major political issue that both candidates can’t help but eject massive quantities of political spittle over is the revitalization of Toledo, or rather the failure of it. Both candidates are currently accusing the other of doing a terrible job of bringing Toledo back to its glory days, which was when the radio would have been featured in the World of Tomorrow exhibit, had it been built at the time. I’ve already suggested not one, but two fine ways of revitalizing Toledo’s economy. I should consider running for mayor myself, but not only am I concerned about the huge résumé splotch it would leave (“Mister Zasada, do you really expect a reputable organization like us would hire a former mayor of Toledo? Al Qaeda has no room for infidels like you! Is Ted Bundy still available?”), other, obviously more qualified third-party candidates have since dropped out of the race, like Crazy Bi-Polar Guy. I’m not making this guy up. I was at the immortal Easy Street Café with some co-workers and my girlfriend, enjoying a PB Army concert (or, specifically, enjoying the various levels of ringing in my ears) when suddenly, some random guy started shoving people around for no apparent reason. Security quickly threw him out, but I had a feeling with a level-head such as his, the guy would be back. Just as we started to forget about him and enjoy more hearing failure, the guy runs from the back, knocking my chair in the process, and attacks the PB Army’s drummer. Security quickly seized him and dragged him up to a back room, where I’m sure he was subjected to a variety of effective tortures (“Let’s see how many drummers you’re willing to attack after we put you on the Ford campaign staff!”) The PB Army, being the troopers they are, never missed a beat while all of this was going on, so the audience did not run the risk of retaining their hearing. I inquired around about the incident afterwards, and it turned out the guy was bi-polar (which is a really odd coincidence, considering his condition matched his name. His parents must have been partaking of some refreshing beverages of their own when they made that name up) and apparently was pretty cheesed off at the drummer for dating an ex-girlfriend or something like that. I quickly forgot about these sordid details when I learned that the guy was running for mayor of Toledo. I frankly would have supported him. If this guy ran a commercial about how he single-handily stopped the riots, I would believe him, even if he didn’t really do it, because I wish to retain my current bone structure where everything is not broken. I think a take-charge candidate like Crazy Bi-Polar Guy could really turn Toledo around, and if he couldn’t, at least we could take some consolation that I live in Oregon. But Crazy Bi-Polar Guy has since dropped out of the race, and if someone of this caliber can’t keep up, I surely don’t stand a Christian’s chance in Hell. Instead, I can only hope that no matter what candidate wins the election, they govern the great Glass City with the kind of wisdom and rationality that can only come from listening to my ideas, which I would happily donate to them for the knowledge that they would do the city and its people some good and earn me a large cash contribution. Thank you. |