Pessimistic Politics: Morons, Jellyfish, and Other Hazards of the Road

Anyone who has had anything to do with the driving process, including glancing at car commercials, knows that all of the people who operate automobiles are complete morons. This is, of course, a false statement; the number is closer to 99.8%.

For the .2% of the good drivers on the road, the problem of bad driving is a serious annoyance and a potential tragedy waiting to happen. Think about it: what if a careless mistake by a nineteen-year-old, who, of course, always has control of his car, even if he happens to be driving in the middle of a tornado, hits a curb going 106 miles over the speed limit, sending his car flying into the air and crashing majestically in a ball of flames. Wouldn’t that be great?!

No, that would be tragic. This is not what should be wished upon out fellow motorists, even though they will NOT STOP FOLLOWING ME AN ESTIMATED THREE CENTIMETERS FROM MY BUMPER WHEN I’M ALREADY GOING 42 MPH IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA!!!

This is not the moron’s fault, however. Due to some unknown magnetic force that amplifies inside of a motor vehicle, most drivers suddenly experience a halving of their overall intelligence and common sense. Since a lot of these people are pretty stupid to begin with, you can imagine the impact on the intellectual capabilities of the brains behind the wheel. You may as well have a jellyfish driving for all of the quality you’re going to get out of a standard road idiot.

Besides the sharp drop in intelligence, I have surmised that a lot of the problem has to do with the amount of effort expended to drive over other modes of transportations, as well as the maneuverability and mobility factor.

Take walking, for instance. It takes a lot of effort, so you have a constant reminder that you are in motion and not sleeping. You don’t have a lot of mobility, as you are moving as fast as meat on a conveyer belt, but you can move in many different directions instantly and have fairly good control your body, unless you are aided by alcohol or are a United States president. If you had to wait in line, you would be somewhat grateful that you don’t have to walk anymore. Plus, if the line makes three feet of progress, you are ecstatic.

If you were in a car, however, you realize it’s a simple matter of moving your foot up and down to make the car move forward. You can go very fast (multiple this figure by five for the jellyfish-brains), but can only move forward with a hint of left or right. Your personal space is unchanged, save for the extra multi-ton metal body you are riding in with subtlety of an avalanche. When confronted by a line, you wish for nothing more than to keep going fast, since you don’t see much of a difference, effort-wise, to standing still or out-pacing a rather peppy cheetah. Three feet of movement is unacceptable and cause for you to blow your horn in an attempt to make the estimated 254 people in front of you move just for the sake of your itchy lead foot.

The obvious answer to the problem of safety is to accept the inconveniences, be patient, and drive carefully, but we all know that the idiots haven’t done this since they got their license and they surely aren’t going to start for stupid concepts like “safety” and “avoiding a horrible, flaming death.”

The next best thing is to identify the various moron types and develop counter measures. Now I expect that all of you, rock-level wit or not, can be accused of doing at least one stupid thing at one time or another. I understand there are extreme circumstances, I just find it hard to believe that every person I see driving recklessly has to compromise safety because they have a dire emergency, such as they are about to miss a critical episode of Fear Factor, at the exact time I encounter them on the road.

The following is a breakdown of the various types of road idiots:

The Lead Foot: This is one that I can safely say that we are all guilty of at some time or another. Who hasn’t sailed ten miles over the speed limit on an open highway or barreled through a small street when late for an important meeting? I, myself, have done this quite a few times. The idiots, however, do this religiously; if they don’t speed at all times, then they will do to Hell and be stuck behind the Demonic Old Lady Driver and be forced to putter along at two miles per hour for all eternity.

The main problem is that the speeders “pad” the speed limit. For example: while the actual, legal limit in Ohio is three miles above the speed limit (that only complete dorks like me go), the “unwritten rules of the road” state that five miles over is acceptable.

Say an idiot is driving in a 35 mph zone. While the legal limit is 38, the Rule states that the actual speed limit is 40. The idiot decides that 40 is a tough speed to keep at, so he lets it slide up to 42. Then he decides, what the heck, to go 45 to even things out. After a while, the idiot reasons that he’s done a pretty good job of going to speed limit, so he deserves a little treat. He cranks it up to 54 mph, and decides, hey, he might as well cushion some more and make it 67 mph, or, rounding off, 90.

So speeding is a big problem, as it can lead to accidents or a much shorter commute. The obvious solution is to drive slower, but, of course, the morons have no time for this. They are much too busy to worry about the wellbeing of innocent motorists and small children that are playing on the street. You can try to stop them, but outside of road spikes or high-caliber guns, there isn’t much that you can do. Sooner or later, they will evolve into the next idiot level:

The Bumper Humper: A lot of people find tailgaters to be very irritating, especially me. I’ll be driving down the road and suddenly I’ll see a pair of headlights covering my rearview mirror, the bumper moving on to other matters somewhere in the space that my car is currently occupying.

Most of us learned in driving school, at least if we weren’t busy adjusting our undersides because we have been sitting in the same granite-like chair for the last three hours, is that we should remain a car length away from the car in front of us when stopped or at least two seconds away from a car when moving. Unfortunately, the idiots interpret “car” as meaning “Matchbox car” and “two seconds” as the amount of time they will need to use the car’s “brake” feature per hour traveled.

This results in a potential rear-end accident if you have to make a sudden stop or if someone rear-ends the idiot behind you (clearly, two idiots don’t make a right when it comes to traffic issues). Besides this, a tailgater threatens the victim’s very manhood (or, for a gender-friendly term, “car-hood”). The tailgater is saying that you aren’t “car” enough and they will make you go faster, or you die.

There are two main ways to counter this. The sensible way is to slam on your brakes, making the tailgater hit you. While this will probably get your point across and the tailgater will most likely be at fault for the accident, you risk injuring yourself, not just the moron. Plus, the idiot will likely protest that you violated his right to break the law, which is discrimination.

The litigation may be a pain, even though a sensible judge would look at the case, roll his eyes, smack the idiot on the side of the head, and demand that he pay you for damages plus compensation for breathing the same air as him. The judge you’ll get, however, will condemn you for your hate crime and demand that you personally build a wheelchair ramp for the idiot’s house (even though he wasn’t injured) so he doesn't have to be concerned about complicated matters such as stairs.

The other option is to maintain your speed and let the tailgater be. In fact, slow down a little as punishment. Reward him by speeding up again only when he backs off. If the tailgater doesn’t like your on-the-road training of etiquette, he will most likely evolve into:

The Pompous Passer: People have mixed reactions about this type of driver. Most would be glad to get a tailgater off of them, but some (me) view it as an insult to their law-abiding driving. On a multiple-lane road, the passer isn’t quite as annoying, though can still get under the skin. The real zingers, however, are the one-lane passers.

You know the type: they shift one inch from your bumper, only to take the trouble to shift out into on-coming traffic as if to say “I’m going through all of this trouble to let you know that I am a better human being because I lack the concept of numbers, but really know how to work this pedal-thingy!”

There isn’t much that can be done about the passers in either case, at least not something that won’t potentially result in a fiery doom. Multi-lane passers may be thwarted by dodging in front of them as soon as they switch lanes or trapping them next to other cars with a similar (if unknowing) mission of justice. The single-lane passers are much harder. The best bet is, when in Rome, be an idiot yourself and speed up in hopes of stopping them. You never will, of course, because every idiot has a car specially tuned to go as fast as they want it, which is defined as “faster than sound.”

Chances are, if an idiot is guilty of any or all of the previous crimes, they’ll be guilty of being:

The Turn-Signal Operationally Challenged: A lot of people don’t use turn signals when turning or changing lanes. This may seem like a minor thing, but when you’re traveling five times faster than you were built to travel (increase this figure to fifty times for Star Trek fans), clarifying your intentions to other people who are going a similar speed when you decide to turn is helpful. Idiots don’t see it like this because once they enter their cars, they’re complete cut off from the influences of the outside world, like some sort of life-supporting dome. You, one of those other drivers, are just an inconvenience.

So they change lanes whenever the person in front of them is going one mile per hour slower than they are, back and forward, like a defective yo-yo, without clearly broadcasting their intentions. Other drivers have no idea what the hell is going on. There isn’t much you can do, since hitting them will result in you getting in trouble. Making helpful hand gestures might solve the problem, but it is doubtful. These morons are more than likely guilt of being:

The Drifter: You’re driving down the road, coasting at a comfortable distance behind someone (that distance is of one REAL car length, not a Matchbox car length) when, for no apparent reason, the guy in front of you slows down slightly. The deceleration continues with no purpose in sight until, wait! He must be changing lanes! No, he’s not moving over all that fast. Wait, he’s going, but most of his car is still in my lane! No! GET OUT OF MY LANE, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!

The drifter rarely, if ever, uses a turn signal, opting instead to move forward with a hint of sideways until they reach their target lane, which only takes most of a mile to accomplish, slowing down ever so slightly all the way. You know that the drifter is going to change lanes even though you don’t have any solid evidence of this, so you stay where you are, wanting desperately to accelerate, but unable to because most of his big butt is in your lane yet. You can assist them in getting over in the lane they were thinking of getting into by not slowing down, but that could get noisy. Be careful, as an encounter with the Drifter may enrage you enough to transform you into:

The Chronic Honker: You know who they are. These are the people who somehow got it in their head that sounding the car horn will magically make the entire world confirm to their will. These people honk at EVERYTHING. They honk when someone is cutting them off, not going the second the light turns green, driving too slow, not moving, obeying the law, coming into their visual range, or when an air molecule crosses their path in a way they don’t like.

Traffic jams are the breeding ground for these people (and why not, since there’s nothing else to do in a traffic jam?). They firmly believe that by honking their horns, the 527 people and huge, flaming oil spill in front of them will move out of their way so they can get a move on and do more important things, like honking.

I’m sure Chronic Honker justification is that the car horn is there for a reason. I agree, but defibrillators are there for a reason, too, and you don’t use one to get rid of a cold. You might be able to use it to calm the kids down, but like misused honking, this can lead to some problems. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do to thwart honkers outside of shooting a magnum at their hood and hoping you hit the horn. Sadly, this is considered illegal in most states, which really need to take a long look at their policies, especially while stuck in a traffic jam.

And it surely won’t help the Chronic Honker when he meets:

The Road Sign Rube: These are the people who believe that road signs and signals are suggestions. Not just speed limit signs, but also Yield signs, Do Not Enter signs, Stop signs/Red lights, and Deaf Child Area signs. Here are some examples of how road signs are interpreted by the Road Sign Rube:

Green light: Go really fast and reckless.

Yellow light: Go even faster and with complete reckless abandon.

Red light: Go the speed of light. If someone gets in front of you, it’s their own fault for existing.

Traffic Light Ahead sign: Possible inconvenience ahead. Speed up.

Stop sign: Slow down slightly and then gun it, weaving past the fools who are in the intersection. Rules don’t apply at night or during other slow hours; just run it.

Yield sign: Means nothing. Don’t stop, slow down, or anything. Try to avoid the idiots who won’t get out of your way for some reason.

Do Not Enter sign: Come right in!

One Way sign: Two ways.

Deaf Child sign: Child in front of your rapidly-approaching car may not know you’re there if they aren’t looking. Honking is useless. At least they won’t known what hit them.

The way to solve this problem is to go to whoever is in charge of street signs in your city and demand a dozen full-sized signs of each type (you can demand fewer of the less popular ones, like the Siamese Twin Crossing sign, for instance) and carry them with you in your front seat everywhere you go. When a Road Sign Rube does his thing, do everything possible to get in front of him, even endangering the lives of other motorists. Once in position, hurl the sign that corresponds to the one he ignored at his car. Repeat until one sticks in his hood. The purpose of this is that the Rube will get home and hopefully notice the signs that are stuck to his car. (“Hmm, another one of those octagonal red signs. Weird, third one this week!”). If we’re lucky, he’ll get curious and look up what the heck that sign means in the first place.

These are just some of the many defects of American drivers. Remember that not everyone is free of these corruptions; we all make mistakes, like getting our license in the first place. Also remember that there are no pure breed morons; many that you encounter will have more than one of these traits. Just remember to keep an eye out, stay safe, and keep your handguns loaded.