Pessimistic Politics: Rules No One Follows

Everyone has an opinion about the Bible. Whether you respect it as the infallible, divinely inspired cosmic rulebook or a questionable historic fiction written in dated language, the very least you can say is it deserves a reaction. Athiest, agnostic, humanist or conservative Christian, the Bible is important if only because so many people say it is.

It is for this reason and this reason alone, I’ve invested a significant portion of my time (isn’t any portion of your personal time significant?) into reading it for myself.

I’ll explain this in the same way I explained why it is important. I’m not the type of person who trusts easily, and I’m certainly not about to trust some kook on the street to tell me what his opinion on the Bible is; believe me, there are more than enough of them.

Neither am I going to believe someone who has made a fortune promoting his personal brand of religion. Nor anyone with the goal in mind of influencing my thought process. This last one pretty much eliminates anyone with an opinion about the Bible, which, as I already said, is everyone.

And to avoid being hypocritical, I need to mention that I don’t expect everyone who reads my articles to instantly jump up and agree with me. That would completely contradict what I’m trying to accomplish; I have no interest in being a cult leader. It is my hope that anyone who plans on discussing religion at any length read the book for themselves and establish their own opinion, without referring to mine or anyone else’s. At best, I’d like to inject a few thought-provoking comments for you to mull over while conducting your own research.

I’ve been coming up with thought-provoking comments for the past month, helped along by my sister, who although confused, at least allows me to see the Christian answer to most of my questions. So, in a strange way, I suppose I need to credit her for some of this.

Unfortunately, the Bible is a big book. You need to tackle it a few chapters at a time. And the chapter that is, hands down, best representative of the insanity that is religion is Leviticus.

Here’s a theology lesson for you. The first five books of the Bible (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy) are all supposedly written by Moses, the guy everyone remembers as being played by Charlton Heston in that Ten Commandments movie we all watched around Easter time when we were younger. They outline what is known as the Mosaic Code, and it’s very important to remember that context when trying to find out what it means.

I’ll go just a little more in depth before getting down to my argument. Genesis is, ultimately, the story of Moses’ family. Exodus is the book that inspired the movie, though I should mention there’s a lot of divergence on that score. Leviticus lays out the meat of the Mosaic Code and contains a lot rules (this is the book we hate the most).

Numbers is very boring because it’s basically Moses taking a census of his followers. And Deuteronomy wraps up the story by letting everyone know how cool Moses and his followers really are, just in case we missed the point of all his other books.

Interestingly, the next book is Joshua, who is the guy who succeeded Moses as leader of the Jewish people. If you can’t guess what the point of that book is, it’s “Okay, Moses was cool, but I’m really cool too, and I can do things he couldn’t.”

Even Lewis Black, a Jewish man who happens to be one of the funniest comedians in the world, frequently admits that these books were originally written to keep the primitive Israelites in line, who were little better than baboons at that point in their evolution (yes, evolution). He claims most Jews understand this and manage to take all the spiritual guidance it offers with a grain of salt, but Christians come along, read it, and they fuck it up every once in a while.

Lewis Black also mentions that you can turn on the TV almost any time of the day and see a Christian minister trying to interpret the Old Testament in accordance with it’s sequel, the newer, better book Christians wrote because the first one wasn’t good enough. Rarely will you find a Jewish rabbi trying to interpret the New Testament to concur with the Old Testament (Fred Phelps is a borderline example, in my opinion).

The Old and New Testaments couldn’t be more different, because whereas the New Testament God is a kind, loving God (unless you ask Phelpsy), the Old Testament God is kind of a prick. Kind of a raging alcoholic. I don’t know what happened in the course of God’s life, but possibly the birth of his son mellowed him out a little.

The fact that there are people trying to revive this mentality of God as a psychotic voyeur is downright disturbing. I could mention almost everything Phelps has said, much of what Chick has said, and instances in my own sister’s life, but I’m sure it will come up in another article.

In the entire Mosaic Code, you will not find one reference to human souls going to heaven when they die. God is apparently to be respected for the simple fact that he is God, without resorting to threats and bribes in the afterlife, which I believe is a much more honest way to live.

In addition, God is never referred to as the only true God, the way He is in the New Testament, but rather as being stronger than the gods of the Egyptians and demons of elsewhere. This too seems more honest, and paves the way for some kind of tolerance, albeit distorted.

The problem comes, as Mr. Black mentioned, when Christians fuck it up. They take rules that originally kind of made sense when used as guidelines by a traveling people in the desert thousands of years ago, then take them entirely too literally.

Or, worse, and I hate this about all Christians, entirely disregard them if they aren’t convenient. Get a load of these gems:

Lev. 11:12 – Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Lev. 11:27 – And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all fours, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcass shall be unclean until the even.

Lev. 15:19 – And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

Which in due course state that you can’t eat at Red Lobster, pet your dog or, for that matter, your wife. There are whole chapters devoted to what sacrifices you have to make, including after giving birth, and a rather useful spell in which you can transfer all the sins of a community onto a single goat, then let him go. This is where we get the term “scapegoat.”

There are laws that make it illegal to wear half-cotton half-polyester clothing, plant two types of trees in the same field, or to rape a virgin without making arrangements to buy her from her father. Then again, it does lay down the law about having sex with your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or step-relation (don’t do it). I’m pretty sure it also has a verse about murdering your children.

And for all this, Leviticus might never have gained the spotlight it so enjoys in modern times. Yet one verse stands out from all the rest, as apparently the only verse in the Old Testament that is still applicable in all its forms:

Lev. 18:22 – Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

For ease of reference, the immediately preceding verse is Lev. 18:21, "And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the Lord ."

18:22 famously applies to homosexuals. 18:21 apparently applies to men masturbating in front of a campfire while a guy named Molech waits on the other side. So, to the ancient progenitors of the Jewish nation, indulging in sexual gratification without the benefit of raising the population is taken just as seriously as pyrophiliacs sharing a quiet moment with Mr. Molech.

Neither of these are a problem today…

As you would know if you cared more about the Bible than you did about justifying personal prejudices, which people like Phelps and Chick, and an unfortunate majority of Americans, cannot claim.

Christians will sometimes dismiss those untidy, inconvenient verses about things they don’t want to take the time for, by claiming that the rules changed after Jesus died for our sins. And, I’m happy to say they are correct (this, again, is assuming you consider any part of the Bible “correct”).

I’m jumping ahead a bit, but I wanted to include these verses from the New Testament:

Rom. 7:4 -- "Wherefore, my bretheren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God."

Rom. 10:4 -- "For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth."

Gal. 3:24 -- "Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith."

All of which, along with others, state pretty clearly that the Mosaic Code doesn’t really mean jack-shit anymore. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it, but the fact is that when Jesus rose from the dead (according to the mythology all Christians have agreed on), he superseded and did away with all the rules of the former Mosaic Code.

And the New Testament, which encourages good living so Big Brother God will give you a big house and a nice car once you get to heaven, does little to discriminate against alternative religions, or against homosexuals.

Because Jesus is love and acceptance, and Jesus does not judge.

And whether you believe in the Bible or not, I believe that’s the part that’s meant to stick.