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Jesus Shmeezus C January 15, 2005 |
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It has come to my attention that, despite our best efforts, some of you out there in the real world still cling to the Bible for answers. But have you actually read the Bible for those answers, or do you actually just get your answers from the minister?
Well, here’s one boy that isn’t going to buy into the conspiracy. Having actually read the Bible (military issue, I have no idea if it’s King James or what) I think you’ll find my conclusions somewhat surprising. The following are real Bible verses copied directly from the Book of Matthew. For your benefit, I’m henceforth going to include my own comments in italics. All the rest is really real, I swear. Matthew 1:1-2 A record of the genealogy of Jesus Christ the son of David, the son of Abraham: Abraham was the father of Issac, Issac is the father of Jacob, Jacob is the father… If Jesus had a genealogy, he descended through a lineage, meaning no virgin birth. Big surprise there. I honestly don’t see how you can contest this. Matthew 1:16 And Jacob the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ Jesus was Joseph’s son. His mother's name was included as an afterthought. Sorry to spoil your fun. Matthew 27:45-46 From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani” - which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” It was nighttime. My idea: when he was being tempted in the desert by Beelzebub (which probably had a lot to do with hallucinogens, Jesus was a hippy you know) he kept saying "no" because he figured God was going to give him all that stuff eventually anyway. He held his breath through the beatings and waited for God to come smite them. After nine hours of hanging on the cross, the shrooms started to wear off and Jesus thought “This sucks.” Matthew 27:50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. Matthew 27:51 At that moment, the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom… Matthew 27:57-66 As evening approached, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who had himself become a disciple of Jesus. Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus’ body… Joseph took the body, wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb. The next day… “Sir,” they said… So give the order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day… …Pilate answered. “Go, make the tomb as secure as you know how.” So they went and made the tomb secure… Then one of the guards said, “Hey, how do we know you really put him in there?” “Honest injun…” said Joseph. “If you don’t believe me just ask his mother and girlfriend over there. I’m sure they’d be objective witnesses if he wasn’t really dead.” It gets better… Pilate is worried that some of his followers are going to steal the body and pretend he gets resurrected, so he sends guards to the tomb THE NEXT DAY!!! They make a point of saying THE NEXT DAY!!! Because, obviously, any of his followers who had been anticipating his death for days would have waited and gotten a good nights rest before doing anything nasty like that. Not to mention the bastard that built the tomb. Matthew 28:18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. So all that stuff I said before about all men being equal under God and loving your neighbor as your brother, yeah, love me now. You’re also supposed to donate to this website. God said. Seriously, I talked to him and he said to donate all of your money to Pocky Box. God thinks this is a great site and will curse you if you disagree with him. Hate mail, death threats and marriage proposals can be forwarded to me at cphantom9@hotmail.com |