Pessimistic Politics: I Like Jesus

If there’s one thing that’s evident on this site, it’s that we unmercifully question the methods of psycho Christians like Jack Chick who claim that they are right and everyone else is wrong without proof, which, ironically, would actually go AGAINST their beliefs, because then it wouldn’t be a faith inasmuch as a scientific fact, which would go on to cause all sorts of problems. Really, it makes sense if you're me.

It's easy to understand that if one religion was suddenly proven to be beyond any doubt the right one, I would imagine there would be a lot of people out there who would feel really dumb, and many would look at suicide as an atonement. The population would drop and there would suddenly be a lot of resources freed up that the heathens were hogging. Actually, that would work out to my benefit, since I have too big of ego to hop on that kind of band wagon. I believe firmly that the Pepsi Challenge is fixed and people actually prefer Coke the world over, even in the face of so called “evidence” and “facts.”

My point is that although I firmly stand by the opinions and discourse featured on this site (even C’s), I realize that we probably haven’t been very good at balancing things out. While I’ve conceded that fundamentalist Christians and Chickians may have it right, that little tidbit may have gotten lost in the shuffle. Besides, it may have sounded like I was attacking their core beliefs. And in many ways, I was, but more because their methods of communication need more than a little work. I can accept being told that I’m going to Hell, but I can’t accept people purposefully confusing faith and fact because they haven’t thought things through.

I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m tearing down Jesus and the whole Bible crew, but like any historical figure, I have no way of proving that any of those guys ever existed. In fact, I’m still not convinced that the world doesn’t revolve around everyone playing a big practical joke on me by making me think there is actually a world that centers around something else. For all I know, you guys out there are laughing it up, slapping your knees and thinking how cute it is that I think I’m onto you. I’ve seen The Truman Show, and I’m well aware that you bastards probably just made that movie to throw me off by thinking if there was a conspiracy, you wouldn’t make a movie that had a similar conspiracy to give me any ideas. You can cut it out now. Just break up the party and get on with your lives. Or give me a raise.

Okay, where was I? Oh, Jesus. The problem with this guy is that while most people agree he existed (I’m still not sure, but that's irrelevant), those people can’t all agree on what he was. Some say he’s the messiah, some say he’s a prophet, and some say he’s a hippie that had a few too many mushrooms. I think a lot of us agree, though, that he was an important figure. I respect him just because of the power he has over people. Dead for around two-thousand years and he’s still causing trouble. I only hope that I can be a nuisance for half that long.

Jesus sounds like a pretty cool dude, though, but I think the Christians go about interpreting him the wrong way. Jesus is always depicted as the perfect, sensible, drone-like bearded guy that's here to die for our sins. I’m not thrilled with this guy. He's way too stiff and pompous. With the elaborate fashion the Bible is written in, it’s hard to imagine the guy as being anything more than a hump that you’d love to punch in the face for coming into your turf and telling you that you’re wrong. Don’t argue with me, here. You know that guy at work that knows way more than you that constantly lets you know while appearing to be your best buddy? You know you want to punch that guy, too.

It should be no surprise, then, that I enjoyed The Passion of the Christ. Okay, it was pretty repetitive, what with the poor guy getting beaten up for half the movie, but the scene where he is building a table and casually talking to Mary did more for me than all of the Bible verses, Sunday school classes, and “Jesus Loves Me” songs ever could. Right there was the guy I was going to listen too, the guy who acted like me, the guy who was human, the guy I could grab a Coke and Hot Pocket and watch the latest Studio Ghibi release with.

I think human Jesus makes more sense. God put his “son” on Earth to die for our sins by making him human, so it stands to reason that the guy should act human. I think we get too carried away about how stiffly our ancestors were verses how casual we are today. Everyone assumes that people spoke like they did in Shakespeare’s plays back in the day, but little do they realize that the guy wrote his plays in the presentational style, which is basically the kind of style used in elementary school plays (not to mock Shakespeare, but after reading him throughout most of high school, I’m a little bitter). In summary, we did not invent idiocy, it’s been there since monkeys got smarter or Adam rose out of the dirt or whatever the hell you believe.

So I believe that Jesus was probably just one of the guys, laughing and drinking with his friends. Most people would probably like him, even though most people would think that his peaceful and loving philosophies made him a wuss. If you think about it, if Jesus walked over to the White House today and told Bush to stop sending our troops over to kill people, he would probably be beaten to death by the Secret Service for attempting to assassinate the president and later be dismissed as an unpatriotic, drugged-out hippie. Ironic, since Bush is supposed to be Christian. I’m pretty satisfied with myself that I was able to take a jab at Bush while I was at it.

I think that a typical get-together with Jesus didn’t go as awkwardly as you might think. If the disciples were putting back a few too many, Jesus would say “You know, guys, it’s okay to enjoy yourselves, but don’t drink too much, or you’ll become an alcoholic, and that won’t do anyone any good. I’m not dragging your sloshed butt back to the inn again” Or, if the group was at a bar and one of the disciples was talking about getting one of the waitresses in the sack, Jesus would casually come in and say “Sex feels great, but Dad made all these diseases you could get from having it, so you should wait until you get married so you won’t have as big of chance to get one. Then you can raise a family and increase the population like Dad wants. Do it, or your privates will ooze off, and I know you don’t want that.”

I’m sure Jesus let something like that slip when he was goofing off, inserting valuable advice in his usual discourse without grandstanding. And that’s why the disciples liked him so much, but the downside was that Judas wasn’t fearful enough to not sell him out (if you believe the tradition story, anyway). When he realized that he betrayed his good friend, he freaked out and killed himself, probably like most of us would if we handed over our friends to the king for some silver. Overall, I think there was more of a human in Jesus than religious scholars give him credit for.

In fact, I’d like to see some more works done with the Jesus legends. Particularly, I would love to see the Japan do something with this, preferably in the form of an anime’. And no, Super Book doesn’t count. Instead of trying to prove that Jesus is the messiah and we should worship him, I’d like to see a story about the human Jesus. That’s the reason The Passion of the Christ was an admirable film.

No, I still don’t believe that Jesus was the messiah, and I can’t even prove he existed, but fact or fiction, Jesus is a phenomenal individual who has touched more people than Madonna and Michael Jackson COMBINED. I think we need more information about Jesus and not Christianity, then maybe people would become familiar enough with the guy to decide for themselves what he really was.