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Chick Tract Trashing: The Little Bride Chris Zasada April 13, 2006 |
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Most Chick tracts can’t be considered timely, since a lot of the settings are fairly generic (it’s almost impossible to tell some of his earlier work in the seventies apart from his current crop). When September Eleventh happened, though, Chick struck while the iron was hot, and kept striking until it was beaten into everyone’s heads that Muslims are evil. The Little Bride is the most recent of the crop, and while it isn’t the most insane of the anti-Islam tracts (I’ll have to give that honor to The Sky Lighter), it has its moments, and it has l’il Susy.
We start out in l’il Susy’s class, where the wicked Miss Henn has just assigned homework. We’re not told exactly what the assignment is, but we can only assume that it’s something anti-God, because we know Chick is a man who wouldn’t waste paper on pointless panels. Anyway, two of l’il Susy’s friends rush towards her with “some exciting news,” to which l’il Susy seems pretty apathetical about. They explain that they just met their new neighbor, Amir, and in addition to being “really cute,” he also talks about God! It seems l’il Susy’s friends are seeking approval here, and they just might have gotten away with it, too, if they didn’t let it spill that Amir is trying to turn them into Muslims. Uh oh… While l’il Susy can bust up the theory of evolution with the best of them, she has absolutely no clue what a Muslim is, so she asks her grandpa, who turns out to be Uncle George, aka Colonel Eye Patch. Here’s an interesting side note about Grandpa. If you’ve kept up on your Chick tracts, you’d know that Grandpa looks a lot like Uncle George, the sinning judge from The Last Judge tract; he’s even got the same stuffy white shirt and stupid bowtie in addition to the overly-obvious eye patch. We later see Uncle George seated in the congregation of a church in Who’s Missing? But wait! Look at that eye patch! It’s on the wrong eye; the right instead of the left! And it’s on the right eye in this tract, as well as a later tract, The Devil’s Night! At first, I was willing to dismiss this as Chick trying to appeal to people with eye patches and not being very creative about his characters design, but Colonel Eye Patch first appears in his right eye-blinded glory in Who’s Missing?, which was released BEFORE Colonel Eye Patch is revealed to be l’il Susy’s grandfather in The Devil’s Night, so it has to be the same guy, because why else would the right eye-blind version be in Who’s Missing? This is further evidenced if you check out the way Uncle George’s hair is parted between The Last Judge and Who’s Missing?; also the wrong way. So essentially, Chick flopped the artwork and created a continuity issue while he was at it. Also, in The Last Judge, Uncle George used a walker and looked pretty feeble, whereas in this tract, he looks pretty healthy and spry (we can’t tell in the other two tracts, because he’s sitting). So either Chick dropped the ball on this one, or there’s an interesting back story about God healing Uncle George and things not going so well: Uncle George: Lord, I’ve accepted you as my personal lord and saviour, as illustrated in the unquestionable The Last Judge Chick tract! If you find it in your will, could you please have mercy on your humble servant and heal me of my ailments? God: It shall be so! Uncle George: Praise God! God: It was the power of your faith that healed your body and your hair. Go and serve me and spread my word. Uncle George: And I can see out of my left eye again! This is wonderful, I’m so… hey! Wait a minute! I can’t see out of my right eye now! God: Yeah, about that… I’m sure plenty of you Chick supporters and skeptics of my work have probably rolled your eyes so far back in your heads that you can’t get them back to normal anymore (and that means you probably can’t read this, you poopy heads!), but rest assured I made such a big deal out of something so seemingly insignificant because I like to make fun of Chick (duh). Besides, if he’s made this kind of grievous mistake, what else has he gotten wrong? Can you really trust a man who can’t even remember what eye his Perfect Christian Guy’s eye patch is on to steer you away from eternal damnation? Think about that one for a while… Okay, back on topic. Colonel Eye Patch grills l’il Susy about why she’s asking about Muslims, probably to make sure he doesn’t have to lift her veil of ignorance too soon. He asks her if she’s told her friends about Jesus, which she confesses she hasn’t. Colonel Eye Patch informs her that her “little friends are in danger. Because those girls are about to be sucked into a very dangerous religion called ‘Islam’” Ooooooooooooooo! Let’s pause again, because this is where Chick is using the same scare tactics as the government to get you to hate Islam, though he’s actually somewhat right. Like Christianity, there are many divisions of Islam, the two major ones being the Sunni and the Shiite. The Sunni are the equivalent of Chickians and Phelps Phollowers if they actually believed everything the Bible said and lived in a government that would tolerate it; they are the radical fundamentalist who would kill thousands of innocents for the fulfillment of their twisted interpretation of their holy book (I’m talking about the Sunni here, though Chickians and Phelps Phollowers would burn down entire cities if they could get away with it). The Shiite, meanwhile, don’t generally subscribe to violent parts of their religion, just like Christians. To understand this more clearly, you’ll have to understand that the Islamic holy book, the Qur’an (or Koran) teaches about jihad, or “holy war.” There are two types of jihad, the first being said to be the “greater jihad,” which is the struggle within one’s self to be holy and fight against sin, much like the struggles of Christians. The “lesser jihad,” however, is a struggle against the external world, against everything that’s not Islam. Islamic terrorists justify their actions with various verses taken from the Qur’an, one of which being “the infidel, or unbeliever, must be converted or conquered.” Great rewards in the afterlife are promised for Muslims who die in the name of Allah (God, by the way. Allah and God are the same, the Muslims just have a different view of him, much like the Jews have a different view). This isn’t all that different from Christianity, with it’s condemnations of everything not Christian, except to say that the Islamic extremists have the balls to carry out their beliefs. Not that I’m saying they’re right or justified. I think the terrorists are waaaaaaaaay in the wrong, as does everyone else in the world except for them and a few idiots. There’s no excuse for the slaughter of innocents, and I can’t picture a God who would extract great joy from the death of his creation. That’s right, Phelps, you’re wrong too. Not every Muslim believes in an external jihad. In fact, the word “Islam” means “to submit.” If you’d stop believing everything the government, Christians, and Osama bin Laden tells you about the Qur’an and thumb through it, you’d see that a lot of these verses are taken out of context and distorted (so do the Christians with the Bible, if you can believe that). Islam is a religion of peace, but like every other religion, has since been molded to suit the means of a few psychos. So next time you hear about an Islamic terrorist blowing something up, remember that there are plenty of Muslims right here in the United States that mourn the loss of the innocent. And also remember there are “Christians” hoisting signs that say “When a solider dies, God laughs.” Okay, back off my soapbox. Colonel Eye Patch explains that “Since [Islam] is starting to spread into our neighborhoods, I’ll tell you what I know.” Just like it’s some evil heathen conspiracy and he’s privy to some secret knowledge. That’s why he’s Colonel Eye Patch, after all. He explains that “In Islam, their #1 book is the Qur’an and they call their god ‘Allah,’” with emphasis on “their god,” not our God, the real one. Wrong, but we’ll let it slide. He goes on to explain that “Their #2 most holy writings are called the Hadith and it tells all about Mohammad,” who “taught and did some strange things.” Scary! Colonel Eye Patch states that “The god of Islam is not the God of the Bible.” He reminds her that she “must listen very carefully” because she “must know these things.” I’m climbing back up on my soapbox again, because it’s time for a religious history lesson about Islam. Chick is going to try to give us one later, but I’m going to beat him to it. Islam’s main prophet, Mohammed, was born around the year 570 A.D in Mecca (now lower Saudi Arabia). Around 610, he had visions that he originally believed were from Satan. His wife convinced him that these visions were from God. Chick suggests that his wife was actually a spy of (surprise!) the Roman Catholic Church sent to corrupt Mohammed and have him spread false teachings so the Catholic Church could rule over Islam. It fits in pretty nicely with Jack Chick’s Conspiracy of Everything. Anyway, Mohammed’s teachings weren’t that popular in his hometown, so much so that there was a rumor of someone plotting to murder him. He fled to Medina, where people took him seriously. In 630, he returned to Mecca with an army in tow. He conquered much of the Middle East and parts of Europe. I’m sure Chickians will be quick to point out that this PROVES Islam is a violent religion. Let’s just ignore all the times God destroyed entire cities because he didn’t like them. Pushing the soapbox aside again, l’il Susy makes it to Becky’s house just in time to stop Amir and his sister from talking her and her stereotypically-black-name-sounding friend, Tashana into making the worst mistake of their lives. Actually, l’il Susy is sort of standing around calmly before she steps in. Come to think of it, Tashana isn’t anywhere to be seen in the first panel, but suddenly appears right next to Becky! The work of Satan is strong indeed. Anyway, Amir is about to reveal the “words to become Muslims,” but l’il Susy dramatically jumps in and shouts “NO!! Becky… Tashana… STOP! Don’t ever say those words!” Sort of like the moment they say them, Satan would jump out from behind the bushes and shout “Gotcha!” before manually dragging them off into Hell. Amir looks pretty pissed off and demands to know why she stopped them from muttering the Magic Muslim words. L’il Susy starts asking him to confirm that the Qur’an and the Hadith are their holy books and that Mohammed cannot tell a lie. Amir is impressed that she knows so much and confirms her inquiries. By the way, what Amir was saying is actually part of the phrase you’re supposed to recite, and truly believe, to formally become a Muslim. This is called the shahadah, and is sort of like the sinners who collapse to their knees and beg Jesus for forgiveness in Chick tracts, except standardized and for Islam. I didn’t mean for the “Magic Muslim words” joke to be offensive (for once), but rather poke fun at the fact that Chick makes it sound like a bunch of made-up satanic gibberish. Suddenly, a Muslim women pops her head over the fence and orders Amir and his sister to get back home because they’re “leaving for the airport… right now.” I assume this is Amir’s mother, thought this is never explained. For all we know, it could be an Islamic terrorist co-conspirator rallying the troops together. Considering how firm she is about getting to the airport, I think Chick is trying to make us believe this. This theory looks a little more plausible when Amir tells her that he’s “not finished,” to which the terrorist lady sharply replies “Yes, you are… let’s go!” Becky tells l’il Susy that Amir told them about “wonderful Mohammed” and how “He was a man of God… he never lied.” L’il Susy isn’t convinced, and has more than a few things to say about “wonderful” Mohammed. Firstly, she points out that Mohammed said that Adam (yes, they believe in Adam, as do they most of Biblical stories) was, really, ninety feet tall, which Tashana angrily points out is a lie, despite the fact that she was about to become a Muslim. Clearly, this girl has no knowledge of scripture, whether it be Christian or Islamic, so how would she know? She’s using logic, and if you try applying that to the Bible, or any religious document, don’t expect to walk away with too much success. But let’s get out the soapbox yet again and tackle this ninety feet figure. I was fortunate enough to take a religion class with a devout Muslim. If you take Chick, convert him to Islam, took him down a couple of notches, and performed significant cosmetic surgery, you would have this woman. She talked about her religion as fact, was quick to defend it (to a point that some serious class time was sacrificed) and knew a lot about it. I stopped and talked to her about this tract, just to clear some things up. I asked her, and I was quite embarrassed to do this because if Chick was wrong, I would look like an idiot, if Mohammed taught that Adam was ninety feet tall. She thought about it a second and said that it wasn’t ninety feet, more like sixty, but it was very tall. She pointed out that that was from the Hadith and that Muslims tend to regard certain facts to be less relevant or reliable than others when it comes to that book (but not so much the Qur’an, which is as set in stone as the Bible). Basically, no one can agree if that’s exactly true, but they don’t seem to care, since it’s not the most important part of the teachings. Don’t laugh. Christians have been picking and choosing their rules from the Bible for centuries, even going so far as to exclude entire books from the Bible because they couldn’t “authenticate” them (read: they didn’t like them). Even Chick and Phelps have been doing this. They’re no different, except they try to fool you by preaching against the stuff they can still get away with. Unless you’re not eating pork and selling your daughters, you’re not following the rules, so get with it. But really, I don’t see why teaching that Adam was ninety feet tall is any more ridiculous than anything else in the Bible. The Bible acknowledges that there were giants; the story of David and Goliath is one of the most famous stories. More importantly, Chick even mentions that people grew to be enormous because of the ideal living conditions on Earth, courtesy of the great water canopy in the sky that was later torn down by God, causing the Great Flood (well, not really, but in the World of Chick, that’s the case). So the idea that the first man was ninety feet tall isn’t all that odd when you compare it to a book that talks about a guy who walks on water, turns water into wine, and raises the dead. And if you think the idea of a ninety foot Adam is heresy, what would you call it if anyone else pulled off the stunts I just mentioned? You’d call it elemental magic, alchemy, and necromancy and would label the caster an evil witch. Evil Witch Jesus. I should really hide that soap box. Next, l’il Susy points out that “Mohammad said Allah once turned some Jews into rats, and other times into pigs [the irony!] and monkeys,” to which Becky interjects “That isn’t nice. He’s a man of God?” Keep in mind that during the Jewish exodus from Egyptian slavery, l’il Susy’s God allowed the enemies of the Jews to murder them when they stopped playing his divine board game, and when the Jews learned their lessen for that week, God turns around and destroys their enemies, who technically were doing God’s will (Chick admits this). I’ll tell you, that isn’t nice! L’il Susy explains “Mohammad also had 16 wives and 2 slave women.” Note that she states this specially to Tashana (“He owned slaves?”), who, being a young black girl in modern America, knows exactly the gravity of being a slave. As for Mohammad’s collection of wives and slaves: big deal, there was nothing wrong with that according to the Bible. God gave laws describing how people should treat their multiple wives and slaves, so as long as we follow that, polygamy and slavery are fine. This is just Chick picking out the rules he likes. And if he says this law is obsolete because of its age or application to Jewish law, then please note that the story of Sodom is even older (since it’s found in Genesis), so if Chick is subscribing to that logic, God’s law against homosexuality (or at least the relevance of the story of Sodom) is moot. Either that or someone is picking and choosing which of God’s laws are still right. This guy can’t say anything without getting it up the ass. L’il Susy continues the Mohammad mashing by revealing that Mohammad’s youngest wife was nine years old, and was engaged to her when she was six. From what I got from my conversation with the Muslim woman, this is also true, but apparently, he didn’t have sex with her until she was around thirteen, or until she was menstruating, because doing anything with her before she was would have been against God’s law. I’m sure a lot of you are sneering and saying that it’s still gross that an adult would have sex with a thirteen-year-old, even if they are married. I advise you to get your head out of your ass and take the situation in context. Back then, life expectancy was drastically lower than it is today, so it makes sense that it was practical to start reproducing as young as possible. Because of this time scale, children “grew up” much sooner than they do now. A “child” would probably be working to support the family before their age hit double digits. Besides, some Gospel teaches that the Virgin Mary was thirteen when she had Jesus, though this isn’t a generally accepted Gospel. In any case, the Bible doesn’t say “Thou shalt not get married until thou art eighteen.” That’s just a pseudo-Christian value imposed on us by the American government, just like the laws outlawing polygamy and slavery (not that I’m saying any of these aren’t necessarily good laws to have, especially the last one), so stop thumping your Bible to these secular tunes. By the way, I’m assuming the title The Little Bride is referring to sick, perverted old Mohammad and his satanic preferences for children. I can’t really see any other connection. I guess it’s more subtle than The Pedophile Prophet? or something like that. After Becky and Tashana agree that “Yuk… That’s gross! That makes me want to throw up!” and “Only a dirty old man would do a terrible thing like that to a little girl,” l’il Susy confirms that “The ‘prophet’ Mohammad did! He was a pedophile!” Chick explains in a footnote, for those sheltered Chickians, that a pedophile is “An adult who sexually abuses children.” Actually, it means “An adult who is sexually attracted to children,” not that I’m validating it, but I feel like I have to throw water on Chick’s flames of propaganda wherever I can. L’il Susy establishes that “His [Mohammad’s] god is not the God of the Bible.” She goes on to make a connection between the Arabian Moon God and Allah, stating that they are one and the same because “the crescent moon is on their mosques and flags.” For once, Chick’s conspiracy theories are somewhat correct. These symbols originally were symbols used in Central Asia and Siberia to worship sun, moon, and sky gods, before Islam was formed. The early Muslims didn’t adopt this symbol for centuries. In actuality, it was adopted by Osman, the founder of the Ottoman Empire, in the 1400s. In reality, many Muslims reject the use of this symbol, and really don’t have one at all. In either case, stealing another religion’s symbol doesn’t seem as bad as stealing the image of the most feared execution method of the time. It also doesn’t mean that the organization stealing the symbol steals the beliefs associated with it. Otherwise, Christians have some explaining to do. L’il Susy states that “There’s no way ‘his prophet Mohammad’ can get you to heaven. His body’s still in the grave!” Here’s Chick conforming the views of others into his world. Because other prophets didn’t come first (because Jesus has always been around) and because no one died and rose from the dead for the sins of mankind, that automatically makes those religions inferior and wrong. “But when Jesus died, it was a different story. They put His body in the grave… and 3 days later, he rose up from the dead. Over 500 people saw Him!” This has to be true, because the Bible said so! Sorry, Susy, but you’re using the same logic that you used to say that Mohammad was a crock of crap. Becky is amazed by this and asks “How could He do that?” Duh, “Because Jesus is really God!” L’il Susy goes on about the creation story, so Becky and Tashana run in and grabs some drinks while she rambles. At that point, I would have just stayed indoors and waited it out, but these two tolerate l’il Susy as a friend, so how smart could they be? She talks about Jesus and his ultimate sacrifice and informs them that if they don’t get with the program, they’re going to Hell. Becky exclaims “My goodness, Susy! We almost became Muslims!” Whew, close shave! So Becky and Tashana give themselves to Jesus and “never want to sin again.” Unlike most Chick tracts, though, the Christians actually want to help the “lost” Muslims who’ve “been lied to,” so the best solution is to pray and hope God appears and tells everyone how the game is played. Good luck, kids. I’ve been barking up that tree for quite a while. Meanwhile, we can only assume that Amir and his band of terrorist scum attempted to hijack a plane and crash it into an important building, but were foiled by courageous passengers who sacrificed themselves and brought the plane down some place harmless, like the White House, and saved the lives of hundreds of Americans. Of course, most of those passengers are likely “unsaved,” so their heroics only bought them an express ticket to Hell, because that’s the kind of guy God is, at least according the Chick. Thanks to Wikipedia.org, About.com, Dictionary.com and Religion in American Society by Dennis Cole for providing much-needed references for this article. |