Pessimistic Politics: Chick Tract Trashing

This tract is another one that holds a special place in my corrupted, heathen heart. Years after I read and forgot about Sin Busters, I was walking around my college campus, minding my own business, when an Awkward Christian Guy with a gargantuan overstuffed backpack shuffled up to me, shoved this tract in my face, and scurried off before I could hurt him. It didn’t take me long before I realized what I was holding in my hand My face lit up and I exclaimed "No way! I love these!" before eagerly stuffing the tract in my pocket, hurrying off to my next class, which wasn’t starting for a little while, but I thought I should at least be in the same building while I read my little present.

I sat myself down and started reading, memories of the absurdity of Sin Busters vague, but still accounted for. When I finished, I stared in awe, disappointed. The tract wasn’t funny at all. It was actually really depressing. However, Chick’s website was listed on the tract, which gave me access to his entire catalog, most of which are way funnier than this tract. But don’t worry, No Fear? is still really stupid, and I can't help but thank it for opening the World of Chick up to me.

Before I go on, I’m pretty sure the title of this tract is based on the No Fear franchise from ten years back. Great way to ridicule jocks with attitude while you’re at it, Chick. It’s sick and twisted, but this is one of the very few things we both agree on. I feel so dirty…

Anyhow, we start out with young Lance, who informs his girlfriend Dolly that he’s “had it” and is “gonna DO IT Friday night!” What “it” is, we’re not sure, until Dolly claims that she’ll “do it” during his funeral. Put two and two together, and we get that Lance is thinking about killing himself for good reasons that we’ll see later, and the demons in his room couldn’t be happier.

When I first read the initial panel of the tract, I was convinced that he was talking about having sex, but, to the disappointment of my gutter brain, it turns out to be snuff, which I am definitely not into.

Dolly is awed that he doesn’t seem to be afraid, to which Lance replies “Are you KIDDING? My middle name is NO FEAR!” I’m guessing Lance picked that one out for himself. Anyway, he urges Dolly not to tell anyone. Dolly seems to agree, but really doesn’t, as displayed in the dialogue “Okay… just my sister.” I’ll take a stabbing guess and say Dolly’s middle name is “NO COMPREHENSION,” but this little slip is important to the story later.

Lance explains that “suicide’s the ONLY answer” and, when questioned by Dolly about what awaits after death, answers “I don’t know and I don’t care, but it’s GOTTA be better than this!”

When I said Lance was going to kill himself for a good reason, I was kidding. We’re never told what’s going on with this kid that he’s so dead set on killing himself. I don't think it would be all that hard to make up something, but Chick, forgoing logic as usual, doesn’t see a point in stretching this detail out. I’m guessing it has something to do with adolescent depression or something. I’m not sure why Lance doesn’t just turn to drugs like a sensible white middle-class suburban teen filled with angst, other than Chick wanted to write a tract about suicide instead of drug use, which he already established is evil.

After saying goodbye to his girlfriend, Lance prepares to hang himself with a very determined look on his face as the demons cheer him on. I’m not sure why he doesn't jump off of a bridge or overdose on drugs or slit his wrists like a normal modern suicidal teen freak. Instead, he goes through all the trouble of tying a perfect noose when a simpler knot would have done the trick, if he was insistent on hanging himself. Do teens today even know how to tie a noose? Well, maybe he looked it up on the Internet, which is not evil because Chick has his own website. Where the hell is he committing suicide, anyway? Some kind of forest? And how did he crack his neck by falling an estimated four inches? Who cares? The point is that Lance is dead, and now the demons have a “BIG surprise” in store!

“Surprise! You’re in HELL!” Lance freaks out while one of the demons yucks it up. The demons go on to taunt Lance, telling him that he’ll be down there “Forever, and ever, and ever.” Lance believes that he ended up in Hell because he committed suicide, but the demons explain that he’s down there because he “REJECTED Jesus Christ!”

So what we get here is suicide is fine in God’s book so long as you accept Jesus. This isn’t unrealistic, since other tracts depict Christians as having a huge death wish. They can’t wait to see Jesus! I’m holding off suggesting that they all go there right now, because that would be too tasteless. Just a thought…

This is where it gets bad. Lance’s leg catches fire and he cries for help, but since he's in Hell, “There’s no way out.” Lance’s body ignites and he disappears into the “outer darkness” that God threatens to toss all “unprofitable servants” into. Sort of like corporate America. With that highly depressing note, Lance is lost forever.

After Lance’s funeral, Dolly’s little sister tells the preacher about Dolly’s suicide plans. The preacher and the little sister blaze off in his car, the preacher praying that he gets there in time. But a problem arises when Dolly exclaims: “There’s the house… but I don’t have my keys!”

No problem! The preacher heroically breaks down the door just as Dolly is about to take her final plunge. I love this scene because it’s so overdramatic. It summarizes Chick’s image of the Christians: courageously fighting the forces of Satan with as much zealous as possible. I love these tracts.

The preacher catches Dolly before her four inch drop snaps her neck. She yells at him for stopping her from seeing Lance, but she doesn’t seem that mad about it. The preacher explains that she was just “seconds from the flames of HELL!” Dolly explains that Lance and she thought suicide would end all of their problems (which we still don’t know ever actually existed). The preacher tells her that notion is “a lie of the devil” and goes on to talk about the “SHOCKING TRUTH” of where she almost ended up.

He tells us about how Hell is a terrible place and lists some of the Bible’s descriptions of it. Dolly is horrified that Lance ended up there, but is even more disturbed that she almost ended up their too. She states that she’s been lied to. Apparently, she was told “that hell was one big party” and all of her friends would be there.

Okay, this is just dumb. Before, Lance and Dolly didn’t know what happens after death. Now, it seems like they knew their destination all along. And never once did I ever hear Hell being referred to as “one big party.” Hell is synonymous with everything bad, so why would anyone believe otherwise? Because a lot of people are gullible and stupid, like anyone who gets converted by one of these Chick tracts.

Dolly demands to know how to get off of the path to Hell. The preacher explains that “God wants us all to go to heaven. So He offered us a special gift.” If this were completely true, he would either not send anyone to Hell or explain the rules himself instead of through Chickians, but that’s another article. I want to point out that the family cat seems pretty pissed at a passing fly. It might seem trivial, but for some reason, Chick has this thing about making animals do stupid things in the background for no reason at all, sometimes during a very important message. Just wanted to point that out.

The preacher explains that Jesus died for our sins, but “Jesus was sinless, so He didn’t have to die. When He died… it was for us!” Dolly confirms the rules with the preacher, and she and her sister decide to “get it settled right now!” So they pray for forgiveness, accept Jesus, and are saved! They joyfully celebrate their new-found eternal life, completely forgetting that the love of Dolly’s life is burning in Hell forever and ever. The End.

I don’t know about you, but this just depresses me. They just sort of forget about Lance and get on with things. At the very least, they could have went to his gravesite and prayed for his soul or something, but since he’s a heathen and they aren’t, it’s best just to forget about him. Yeah, Christian love my foot. With Christians like these, who needs Satanists?

Despite its apparent happy ending, this tract managed to depress me more than any of the other ones. And when you consider the rest of the heap from this company, there’s a lot to get depressed about. If you ask me, this tract just furthers the image that Christians only care about themselves and forget about their others if it’s too late. Compassionate little buggers, aren’t they?

All images are from Chick.com and are owned by them, as if anyone else would want to claim responsibility. If you want to check out this tract in its entirety, click here. If the address doesn't work, contact me immediately, since there's an off-chance our friendly Chickians decided to change the URL. What, they don't want MORE hits?