Pessimistic Politics: Chick Tract Trashing

Here, Kitty Kitty! is a subtle anti-Halloween tract aimed at children who find The Family Circus comic to be a work of dramatic genius. Seriously, this tract reads like Bill Keane himself wrote it, and looks like he drew it after consuming a respectable amount of communion wine. The tract has neither gravity nor realism, and it violates the very tenants of Chick tracts, which is get people to Christ or send ‘em to Hell. If Chick himself wrote this one, it’s clear that he’s losing his touch. Seriously, this thing looks terrible and reads worse.

The story starts out with a trio of kids who are obviously planning something evil. This theory is confirmed when they sound off the things that they brought from home to carry out whatever form of mischief they had planned; everyday things like candles, chalk, and a book of “majik” spells. Uh oh…

The three kids think that they’re “all set,” but a fourth larger kid states “No, you’re not! You forgot the most important part. A black cat! And a knife!” He nonchalantly pulls out both from behind his back, and the girl in the group, Betsy, discovers that it’s her precious cat, Fluffy! The evil little heathen!

Take a look at this panel, which illustrates, well, the lack of illustration in this tract. This is seriously as much detail as that poor cat gets in the entire tract, and just look at the idiotic, three-year-old-style head on our unnamed bully’s neck. And get used to the fact that the entire affair is zoomed out and without much detail. There’s only one close-up, and it isn’t very detailed.

The other kids insist that she not whine and “ruin everything,” despite her pleas to spare the cat. The bully threatens that “Don’t be a baby. Or bad things will happen.” Meanwhile, the lone black kid grows a few ominous inches and scowls menacingly at Betsy. There’s no way he’s going to let that white trash ho’ screw him out of casting a “majik” spell!

Betsy eventually gives up and lets the bully put Fluffy in a “cage ‘til the moon comes up tomorrow night.” This displays some poor judgment on his part, as we’ll see in a little bit. Later on, “In Class,” the black kid is trying to calm Betsy down, since she’s crying up a storm right in the middle of class, and he fears that “Miss Johnson will hear” her. Sure enough, the teacher asks her to stay after class, and the black kid becomes nervous and wonders if Betsy is going to narc on them.

She explains that the reason she’s crying is because “They’re gonna kill my kitty.” Understandably curious, Miss Johnson asks, perhaps a little too matter-of-factly, “Who’s going to kill your kitty?” to which Betsy replies “My brother and some other guys.”

Miss Johnson calmly wonders “Why would they do a thing like that?” and Betsy explains that they’re “gonna cast a spell on somebody on Halloween night.” Since Betsy seems to be a big fan of Twenty Questions no matter what the circumstance, she doesn’t explain any further until Miss Johnson asks who the spell is for, and Betsy confesses, while pointing accusingly, “YOU, Miss Johnson!”

Miss Johnson explains that “spells don’t work on me,” and now it’s Betsy’s turn to ask all the questions. Miss Johnson reveals that “Jesus protects” her and explains that Jesus is important because “everybody does wrong things, And he won’t allow any sin into heaven.” She stresses that we all need to be cleaned before we can go to Heaven, and after explaining the story of Jesus, tells Betsy that the only way is to believe in Jesus. So she does, and she’s saved.

“Later,” Miss Johnson asks, “Where are they going to cast the spell?” Surprisingly, the geniuses decide to do it literally in Miss Johnson’s backyard. I’m not sure that “majik” spells require that close proximity, but when you’re not putting a lot of effort into a tract, it makes things a lot easier to condense the plot as much as possible so you can get the whole thing done quickly.

It’s only at this point does Miss Johnson bother to ask what kind of spell they’ll be casting, not that it really matters. Betsy tells her it’s “To get better grades!” without elaborating any further, probably in hopes that Miss Johnson will ask how that’s supposed to have worked out. Now, I’m not sure what kind of ancient “majik” there is out there that makes teachers grade at a more liberal bell curve, but I’m certain that there are real-life spells that are said to promote intelligence, and it would have been a lot easier for the kids just to cast a spell that makes them smarter. At least then they could apply it to everything in life, and not just one teacher. But I’m just a stupid heathen like them, so what do I know about “majik?”

By the way, despite the fact that her precious Fluffy’s life hangs in the balance, Betsy seems to be pretty content with herself now that Jesus has her back. Typical Chick Christian; as long as they’re safe, who really cares about everyone else? Sure, if you can help them, fine, but the most important thing is that Number One gets to Heaven. Just like Jesus would have had it!

We assume that Betsy returns home, because she comes out the backdoor of what we can assume is her house and discovers that the cage Fluffy was in is empty! This just shows how stupid the unsaved are. Only a bungling group of idiots would decide to leave the cat they want to sacrifice overnight in the backyard belonging to the owner, who doesn’t really want to sacrifice the cat. You know what, it could be the front yard, too, and Betsy didn’t notice the cage because she was so elated about being saved, only to have it dawn on her that her cat was still in an easily accessible cage on the front lawn.

What I’m saying is that leaving the cat out in Betsy’s yard would make it pretty easy for her to spring the cat. The only logical explanation (within Chick logic) is that the bully figured that her brother would make sure she didn’t try to save Fluffy. However, we’re never let on to who her brother is. It could be the bully, because he’s a slightly different age and seems to talk down to her like an unsaved brother would, and since they would share the same backyard, he could keep an eye on the cat. It could be the white kid, since they look alike, and he was the one who pleaded with her not to interfere with the spell. Or it could even by the black kid, though I’m not sure what Chick’s stance is on interracial marriage, but it’s probably not good.

Or she’s coming out of the bully’s house, committing a serious B and E in the name of Christ.

In any case, the cat is gone, and Betsy immediately confronts the bully, who is dressed in a realistic monster costume, consisting of a grimacing face mask He questions why she’s “not dressed like witch.” She stays she doesn’t “want to” and demands to know where Fluffy is. The bully replies “You’ll find out!” and immediately produces a little squirming sack.

He explains “I thought you’d chicken out… So I took her!... And there’s nuthin’ you can do about it!” And he’s right, except she could have just as easily told her parents, or called the police to get the boys arrested for animal cruelty, or ran to a random stranger and begged for help, or told the boys that spells won’t work on Miss Johnson, or wrestled the knife away from the devil-dressed black kid (was that a coincidence?) and stabbed the bully in the kidney. But these obvious solutions wouldn’t serve the purpose of the tract, which is so readers can witness the wonderful salvation of Christ by having Betsy save these misguided boys. So she prays to God to “Please save Fluffy!”

Hours pass, God still hasn’t jumped in, and Betsy hasn’t run off for help, despite the fact that the boys won’t sacrifice Fluffy until the moon is up. But now it is, and the bully claims “We’ll sacrifice her NOW!” Betsy screams in protest, but we can assume she’s been doing that for the last few hours, and it still didn’t sink in. I doubt that at the 11^th hour, these guys are going to think, “Huh, maybe this cat means something to her! Maybe it would be easier just to find another cat!”

I can say from experience that black cats are in abundant supply, as I currently have approximately 93 of them running around by my house. If the boys were smart (which they aren’t, since they feel the need to cast a spell on their teacher so they can get better grades), they would have plucked a non-consequential cat off of the street, but again, they’re moronic heathens.

I should note that I like cats and condemn cruelty to any animal. I'm just speculating how these morons could have pulled off their caper better.

Just then, Miss Johnson bursts onto the yard, ordering them to “STOP right there!” The bully acts surprised to see her, even though it’s her backyard, and it doesn’t occur to him that she might have noticed all of the screaming. The boys know that they’ve had it (even their pumpkin basket knows it, since it has a different facial expression than it’s sinister one from previous panels) and the bully asks “What are you going to do to us??” as if she’s coming at them with a running chainsaw and some Hefty bags.

She sternly scolds the boys and tells Betsy to “take your kitty!” while handing the cat over in what looks to be a very forceful manner, making me wonder if the cat wasn’t safer with the bully. She continues by saying “You don’t have to do spells to get good grades…” And we know what time it is: time for her to save these filthy souls!

She looks them straight in the eye and says: “Don’t do witchcraft… Do your HOMEWORK!”

The end.

Seriously. We see that Fluffy survived the “rescue” without having key organs burst, and Betsy points out that they “both got saved this Halloween,” but Miss Johnson doesn’t give them the Jesus lecture. The boys agree in unison to her demands and apologize, as if they were just late for class or forgot their homework and not just thwarted from sacrificing a cat to Satan. It’s comforting to know that if they died soon after, they would go to Hell because Miss Johnson is a terrible Christian who apparently doesn’t care too much for boys, especially those who celebrate Halloween. Which is why she’s “Miss” Johnson.

So while this tract didn’t directly attack Halloween like other Halloween-themed tracts, it’s likely enough to scare kids into thinking that Halloween is bad because the bad kids dressed up just like everyone else would and the good kid didn’t. This tract might sway a child whose age consists of lower single digits, but considering how poorly it looks and is written, I can’t expect it to have much of an impact on the potty-trained crowd.

That said, this tract is a good primer for kids to get into the harder Chick tracts. It doesn’t scare them by mentioning Satan or Hell, but it’s enough to make them nervous about the ghosts and goblins that walk around on Halloween night, possibility searching for their pets to kill. It also subtly takes a jab at Harry Potter and the like with its anti-magic stance. These subtle elements are probably the only good part about this otherwise mediocre Chick tract: it may stealthily convince children that Halloween and magic are bad.

Besides that off chance, this ill-conceived tract is a low point in the wonderfully blasphemous Chick tract lineage. It’s not outrageous and offensive enough to adults, and designed in a way that will be enjoyed by almost no one. It may be too early to say, but this cat call might just be the sign that the World of Chick is slowly crumbling.

All images are from Chick.com and are owned by them, as if anyone else would want to claim responsibility. If you want to check out this tract in its entirety, click here. If the address doesn't work, contact me immediately, since there's an off-chance our friendly Chickians decided to change the URL. What, they don't want MORE hits?