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Chick Tract Trashing: Fairy Tales? Chris Zasada June 1, 2007 (Updated November 1, 2007) |
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Before I begin this installment of Chick Tract Trashing, I feel that I should issue an apology to Chick Publishing.
I made a grievous sin in speculating that Chick was losing his touch in a previous entry, and, to quote from the immortal Ghost in the Shell, once you start doubting, there’s no end to it. I started to question Chick’s ability to put out a quality tract that was deserving of my mockery, and began to wonder if the man was going senile. I also speculated that Chick had died some time ago and his followers were trying to pick up the slack, but couldn’t possibly best their leader in pure, unfiltered insanity. I also thought that maybe I had become so jaded from years of reading Chick tracts and following other potent psycho-Christians like Fred Phelps that I lost my ability to be affected by these things. Any of these possibilities are depressing, no matter how you slice them. I eventually gave up my frequent checks of Chick’s site, believing there wouldn’t be anything worthy of note. It seemed that the golden age of Chick had passed. Then I got the phone call. Selmek informed me that he had killed a lot of people because someone told him there wasn’t a Santa Claus, then explained I would understand the joke if I checked out the latest Chick tract. The next day, I headed over to Chick’s site, and sure enough, there was a new tract, and I am very pleased to announce that it seems our good friend Chick is back and as crazy as ever! I will grant that this isn’t the most offensive tract. It really doesn’t attack any serious beliefs or ideas, but there are some potentially-controversial references to school violence and Osama bin Laden, so this tract is no slouch. Our story starts in front of a prison, where a protest over a prisoner named Harry, who is slated for execution, is underway. The side that’s promoting the execution looks like they belong in prison themselves, but the opposition kind of looks like typical Chick-brand sinners, despite the “THOU SHALT NOT KILL” sign, so we’ll just brush these people off. More importantly, a news crew is interviewing Harry’s parents, though it’s doubtful they’re going to give any compelling insights. His mother insists that her “baby would never do a thing like that. He was so innocent.” The fact that she clings to this belief despite that fact that her son has become known as “The Monster” just goes to show how parental love can make parents as smart as coffee mugs. And a side note to all of you Chick tract fans, Harry does not appear to be a tyrannical corporate boss or a brainwashed, psychotic child from a near, dystopian future, so he isn’t related to other Chick characters. You know what I’m talking about. Time for Chick to come up with some new intimidating names. To figure out what went wrong with Harry, we take a trip back to his childhood, when he loses his first tooth. His mother tells him “that means the Tooth Fairy is coming tonight!” She explains who the Tooth Fairy is and the entire procedure for getting cash for teeth. Sounds pretty innocent, right? Of course not, you buffoon! She’s training him to believe in heathenish hogwash! We know this kid is in for some trouble when he falls asleep while passionately thinking “I know you’ll come Tooth Fairy… Cuz mommy promised. She’d never lie!” Uh oh… I’m not sure Harry would be too excited if the Tooth Fairy that was supposed to show up is like the one on the cover of the tract. If a Tooth Fairy like that fluttered through my window, I could only hope that I had a loaded firearm on hand. Next, his father comes in announcing “Santa Claus is coming to town!” Of course, Harry gets excited, so he starts cleaning up his toys and resolves to be on his best behavior. He almost wets himself when he gets to meet Santa at the mall (you just know he’s not one of those brats that would dare try to yank the mall Santa’s beard off, lest he be punished with coal). He rushes off to his parents and tells them “Now I know Santa is for real…” His parents seem a little shaken by this, but overall, it seems like a really heartwarming, if deceptive way to raise your child. Real or not, Santa is getting all the credit for the serious payoff come Christmas morn as he takes stock of all of the presents. What bugs me about these gifts is how specific and modern they are. We see a Superman scooter and a Godzilla doll, and I can’t help but wonder if these toys would even exist back then. I’m guessing this flashback takes place in the mid-eighties, since we eventually learn that Harry is at least twenty-seven when he’s captured. Since he’s just now losing a tooth for the first time (logically, his parents would have told him about the Tooth Fairy on the first occasion), he’d have to be about five or six, and (to cut ahead a little), he still has that same tooth lost sometime after Easter (this might not be intentional), so he had to be the same age around Christmas time. The point? Assuming Harry’s execution takes place in 2006 or 2007, I don’t think they were making too many licensed character scooters back when he was a kid, since this sort of product is a modern trend. Not sure about the Godzilla figure; I bought one just like the one pictured here in the early nineties, but I can’t say if they came out a while before then. There might be a connection between Godzilla and God mockers, though… Or I could be off on the entire timeline. Maybe the execution takes place in the future and his childhood is supposed to be happening today. This would explain the Superman scooter, anyway. What’s my purpose of pointing this out? It proves astute (read: chemically-imbalanced) readers can analyze any mundane details and make a big deal out of it. I may not be relevant at all, and perhaps the attention to such detail hadn’t crossed Chick’s mind, but that doesn’t change the fact that I just like making fun of Chick. Even if I’m mistaken about my timeline of plausibility, I still think it’s odd that Chick would pick a Superman reference. This might just be Chick trying to use modern fads to get add some relevancy to his tract, even though this scene takes place over a decade from when we assume the main story arc is occurring. Of course, with the recent Superman movie a year old, it’s not really all that current, but a year behind the times is really cutting-edge for Chick. (he didn’t attack Dungeons and Dragons until ten years after it came out). Maybe it has something to do with the movie’s ambiguous relating of Superman to Jesus (a link Selmek believes is painfully obvious). Again, I’m not sure why Godzilla is there. Maybe Chick believes Godzilla is a tool of Satan, or maybe he hates those pagan Japanese. But no matter. The important is that little Harry has just pledge an eternal love for Santa and swears he’ll “never stop believing in [him], ever!” At that point, his parents realize they may have a serious problem on their hands, so they argue over who’s going to tell Harry there is no Santa Claus. His dad refuses to “break his little heart,” and we can assume his mother doesn’t do a damn thing, because come Easter, we have a repeat of Harry's worshipping of false gods. This part really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. During church, the minister (or probably the priest, since this is obviously an evil Catholic Church that Chick readers know is built on corruption) announces an “Easter egg hunt right after sunrise service.” Because this is a chance to praise evil images, Harry wildly shouts in the middle of church “Wow! The Easter Bunny is coming!” Oddly, during the hunt, he goes up to a man dressed in a giant bunny costume (or a demon rabbit, who can tell?), a visage that clearly represents a conventional rabbit, and despite the fact he knows about the Easter Bunny, he asks the rabbit “Are you Jesus?” All the rabbit can do is look at the reader and gulp, because even he knows this kid is screwed. Really, though, the worst that could happen, at least in a Chick tract, is this kid dies in his sins believing in false deities and goes to Hell. Well, what kind of fun would that be? We’re taken to “The day that changed Harry – forever,” where we find our little idol worshipper being picked on by bullies who are telling him “There is no Santa Claus!” and “Your mom and dad lied to you!” So what does Harry do? He runs away crying and asks his parents if what the mean kids said is true, and this opens up a meaningful dialog, where he learns about the bitter realities of life, but is a better person for it in the end. What are you, stupid? This is a Chick tract! With flames of fury coming off his shoulders, Harry screams “YAAAAHHH! I’ll Kill YOU BOTH!” and the panel cuts to his mother, who receives a phone call from the principal telling her “Harry has been arrested.” You would think Harry just beat the kids up, but this is a Chick tract, so the results are much grimmer. A news broadcast reveals that Harry committed a “terrorist act” that “ends in the death of a student.” Yes, Harry killed one of the kids because he told him there was no Santa Claus. I love how Chick ups the ante by describing the incident as a “terrorist act.” I can’t imagine that Harry was involved with Al Qaeda (even though they’re in league with Satan too), though later events in the tract cast doubt on that speculation. Even though tragedies like Columbine could be considered terrorism, I’ve never heard them described as such. Harry wasn’t out to cause anyone to fear him, he just wanted to get revenge on a bully, and he went too far. His parents arrive at the hospital to find a bruised but largely intact Harry scrapped down to the bed “For his protection.” He explains that “Everyone said you’re liars, but I defended you.” He asks for his parents to confirm that “Santa is real,” to which Harry’s father nervously explains his mother and he “pretended to be Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny… and the Tooth Fairy.” This confession sends Harry off the deep end. You kind of knew where Chick was going with this. Harry demands his parents tell him if “God and Jesus are fairy tales, too?” But before they can explain, Harry accuses them of lying to him, even though they promised they would never lie (we don’t witness this, but it’s implied). Interestingly, it seems Harry still hasn’t grown in the tooth that fell out over four months ago (check out this handy comparison), or he lost it during his killing spree. The lost tooth is probably not a deliberate detail, unless this was meant to make symbolize how this entire problem began, though I don’t think Chick is that clever. His father rationalizes that “It was just a fantasy game,” but Harry won’t hear of it, calls them liars, and vows to “never believe anything [they] say again!” He’s moved to Juvenile Hall, but finds himself in court in short order, as he apparently strangled his cellmate because, as Harry puts it, “He deserved it!” His cellmate probably told him the Great Pumpkin wasn’t real or something. The judge decides he’s “throwing the book at” Harry and informs him he “will not get out until [he’s] 18.” Harry responds by telling the judge that after he gets out, “[He’s] next!” I have to hand it to Chick; only one of his works could make a six-year-old look like a deranged killer who could genuinely creep out a normal person. Seriously, this kid is nuts. Two years pass, and we find a painfully down-to-Earth chaplain named Lorenzo visiting Harry and his cellmate, the stereotypical Jamal. Jamal greets the preacher by stating almost matter-of-factly, “Yo, Chaplain Lorenzo, How’d you sneak in? The warden hates your guts.” Lorenzo explains he has “a Friend in high places!” Hmm, capitalized “F” on that “Friend.” Could it be… Jesus? Turns out Jamal has a “hard question” for Lorenzo. Well, not so much a question as a rumor, which is “Jesus is just another fairy tale.” This sets off Harry’s Liar Sense, as he immediately starts fuming in the corner as the preacher goes on to explain “Only a fool would believe that!” He continues with the reasons for Jesus leaving Heaven to come to Earth, and says “The world hated him, and still does.” Has the good chaplain ever thought for a second that maybe the world doesn’t have anything against Jesus, but rather the self-righteous egotists who justify their prejudices by hiding behind some loose interpretation of an ancient book? Naw. Lorenzo explains “The world is filled with evil people: liars, hypocrites, pagans, and God haters.” And look at the wide assortment! Most of them are pretty self-explanatory, with murderous Muslims, sadistic Satan Worshippers, conniving Commies, and wicked witches filling the roster. The only odd ones are the last two. Chick felt it necessary to point out that the bitter old woman in the middle was, presumably, a teacher against public prayer in schools, just to avoid any assumptions that God hates librarians or mean first-grade teachers (personally, I think he should hate mean first-grade teachers). Knowing Chick, I’d venture to guess the last guy is an archeologist who believes strongly in evolution and fossil evidence. I might have that one wrong; maybe God hates guys who collect bones and wear stupid hats? It’s find of funny that Chick thought it was a good idea to single out “liars, hypocrites, pagans, and God haters” and not murderers, rapists, homosexuals, Catholics, Dungeons and Dragons players, or about a million other abstract topics he his wont to do. Maybe if he brought up murder, perhaps Harry would have repented then and there, but I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s also a bit ironic Chick would use “hypocrite,” which seems to be the major complaint the world has with Christians. Anyway, Lorenzo tells the Jesus story, and Jamal immediately realizes he’d “be a fool to say no!” Harry, however, refuses to believe any of it, because his parents lied to him about Santa Claus. Jamal is shocked that Harry just “slapped Him in the face!” I think Jamal should be thankful Harry doesn’t try to kill him. Instead, Jamal gets out in three years. Things aren’t so bright and sunny for Harry, however. By the way, is it just me, or does Harry look way too old? If my time line is correct (and judging by his appearance in court two years before, it should be), Harry should be anywhere from eight to ten years old, and yet he looks like he’s well past puberty and about to puff out a beard any minute. I think it’s a big oversight, but I might be off on this one. Ten years after his release from Juvy, during which time we assume he’s gone on a murder spree, Harry ends up on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list, right next to Osama bin Laden! So perhaps the news reporter was right and Harry was part of a terrorist plot when he killed that student for telling him there is no Santa Claus! Maybe that student was trying to spread the truth, and Harry is part of an insurgent plot bent on destroying the Christian message! Or maybe Chick is just an idiot. Regardless, Harry is “soon captured and sentenced to death for his crimes.” Does this mean that Harry killed hundreds of people ten years later in quick succession, if he was “soon captured?” What was he doing in the meantime? Working at the post office? Or was he really a post-pubescent-looking eight-year-old? We’ll probably never know… On “The day before his execution…” another chaplain shows up to see Harry, who refuses to talk with him. The Chaplin barges in anyway, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Jamal! Harry stares in disbelief as Jamal explains “I’ve never stopped praying for you. It’s almost over, but Jesus still loves you.” It’s this defining moment, and “Harry blew his last chance” by saying “Well, I don’t love Him!” “We was executed 4 hours later!” and immediately sent to be judged by Jesus, who casts him away, but not before assuring Harry “I did everything I could do for you.” Right, the creator of the universe, and he can’t be bothered to personally notify everyone on Earth about how to get saved, not by a personal visit, phone call, or even a stinking flyer. Instead, we get the message forwarded to us by some yahoos. That’s really doing “everything” possible all right. The tract ends with a blunt, but plain warning: “Jesus is no fairy tale! You will face Him on the day of judgment.” That’s all. No exchanged between Harry and Jesus about where his life went wrong, with Harry inevitably realizing that he was wrong the whole time. No depiction of Hell with demons wearing Santa Claus or Easter Bunny costumes. It’s almost as if Chick came to the conclusion that this was a dumb concept and wanted to end it as soon as possible. In this sense, Chick might be going senile, which means, in his case, he might be turning normal. It is a horror I dare not dwell on. On the plus side, the entire concept of this tract is so inherently flawed, it’s obviously a genuine Chick tract. The point this tract is trying to make is if we teach our children the false is true, they may not believe the true is true. In the World of Chick, this means if we teach our children the false gods of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are real, they won’t believe that God and Jesus are real when they finally learn the “truth” about their made-up deities. The logic (keeping in mind that Chick and logic have not been a very good speaking terms for most of his life) in this argument is so idiotic, I have the urge to rapidly blink my eyes because of the blinding flash of the obvious. Both Santa Claus and Jesus are super natural beings, both have their own mythologies, and no one alive today has any verifiable claim to have seen either of them. How can you reasonably argue that one is real and one is not? Jesus has the advantage here, because he’s designed to be taken seriously. We’re talking about your eternal soul, and even if we can’t prove the universe works the way the Christians say it does, the thought is still daunting. Since we don’t know what will happen after we die (which is the real issue with religion), it’s comforting to think our eternal butts are covered. Santa, on the other hand, is a disposable practice God who only supplies earthly rewards and is discarded when a child reaches a certain age. Jesus also has the appeal of antiquity on his side. For whatever reason, we tend to scoff at new religions, but take seriously religions from times long ago, when people were stupider than they are now. While the mainstream brushes off New Age religions, they will return to their churches and, with no irony whatsoever, begin worshipping an invisible man. This tract points out that “over 500 eyewitnesses” saw Jesus after he was supposedly executed, and this is a little factoid that Christians like to throw around to validate their faith, even though proving something makes it impossible to call faith, something God is big on. I’ve never once heard any form of elaboration on this number. Who were these people? Did they ever exist? Would it have really been all that hard to find someone who looks like Jesus and make him walk around for a while, pretending to be the real deal? Does it bother anyone that back then, people were seeing goblins and unicorns too? These are all questions that Harry was no doubt asking himself, and it doesn’t take a killing spree to appreciate that these are valid questions. This is your eternal life, after all. Wouldn’t you want some solid facts? Are we supposed to believe that God is some petty egomaniac who expects people to believe what maniacs like Chick say about religion? This, to me, seems like an insult to God. The trick that Chick is trying to play here is to make you think that Jesus and God are entities that you can’t deny the existence of, and it probably makes perfect sense to him. However, as I pointed out, both Santa and Jesus have some key things in common, the most important of which is neither one has made a verifiable appearance in recent times. Therefore, you can’t logically argue that one exists and the other doesn’t, as they operate on the same principles. Anyone can tell you either one exists or doesn’t, but the opinions of one person (or even many) doesn’t make something true. Theoretically, Santa and Jesus could both exist. There’s no way to prove they don’t. Arguments from both Christian and Atheist sides discourage Santa Claus. Both point out that parents who perpetuate the myth are essentially lying to their children. While we can’t logically prove this is true (we would have to prove that Santa doesn’t exist), parents who tell these tales can be accused to spreading information they don’t know is true. As far as they’re concerned, they are lying, but it’s all harmless fun. Interestingly, the Atheists are against Santa because he’s TOO MUCH like Jesus and God. Atheists, don’t let your sons grow up to be Christians! The only useful advice anyone could glean from this tract is the concept of trust. By lying to someone, you could be doing a great deal of damage to their trust in you, even if the lie has good intentions. Unfortunately, the gravity is up for debate. Is there any harm in a parent telling their child something they don’t believe, as long as the intentions are good? This is something parents are going to have to figure out on their own. When a child suddenly believes there is no Santa, he or she may be disappointed or hurt, but I don’t there’s likely to be any lasting hard feelings. Certainly not to the point of homicidal rage. I can’t say for sure if I ever played the Santa game with any seriousness, but regardless, I somehow survived the transition from believing in Santa to not believing in Santa mentally unscathed. At least as far as I know. I haven’t killed anyone over it. It’s hard to say if the same thing could be said if people suddenly found undeniable proof that there was no Jesus, or at least the system of death and afterlife didn’t work the way they were told. I think many Christians would kill themselves immediately. I’m sure Chick would instantaneously turn to dust. The only way right now to know whether or not Jesus exists is by dying, at which point it would be too late to do anything with the information. It seems like a really cruel system, since God isn’t really giving us the ability to make an informed choice, but hey, if we’re to believe the likes of Chick, that’s just the kind of guy God is. Needless to say, the logic in this tract, as in most Chick tracts, is just broken. Just because someone says something isn’t real doesn’t make them right, and on the same token, just because a big, dusty old book says something is real, that doesn’t make it so, even if generations have fallen for it. So now that our faith in the unseen has been sufficiently shaken, let’s kill Chick for telling us there is no Santa Claus, because that seems to be the most natural thing to do.
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