Pessimistic Politics: Chick Tract Trashing

Here we feature yet another Chick tract denouncing homosexuality as a terrible, horrible sin. While these anti-gay tracts really start to blur together, this one is unique because it takes open discrimination to a whole new level. It’s also disturbing and infers some “facts” that are just plain wrong. In other words, it’s the perfect Chick tract.

We start out with a civil rights rally where the speaker is calling out for a nation where homosexuals will not be discriminated against, pointing out that twelve percent of children our growing up to be homosexuals. According to Chick in another tract, this figure is wrong, and the number is actually two percent. I don’t know why he bothers pointing out a lower number. A higher number would make it seem like the poor old Chickians are being oppressed even more by an evil society that hates Jesus. It’s not like most people aren’t Catholic or Jewish or some other evil religion that’s going to Hell, so why try to make it seem like you’re trying to stomp an evil force that you outnumber? It makes the Chickians seem like bullies, which they are.

Anyway, things turn sour when the speaker vaguely claims “If research money for AIDS is not coming to a certain level by a certain date, all gay males should give blood. Whatever is required to get national attention is valid. If that includes blood terrorism, so be it.” What does this mean? One of the news crew, an obvious bigot himself, because he put two-and-two together right away, exclaims: “Man, they're threatening to infect the nation’s blood supply… with AIDS! That’s cold-blooded MURDER!”

Yes! Chick has officially stated that all homosexuals (or at least the males) have AIDS! And since the good politician is trying to save their lives, he wants to increase AIDS research by adding some gravity to the situation. Let’s see them deny these evil heathens their rights when half the country is dying of a gay disease!

If this isn’t one of the most obvious acts of bigotry, I don’t know what is. It’s like Chick's saying that once someone becomes gay, their DNA structure changes and their blood produces AIDS automatically. One of these days, I really should really put Jack on my knee and explain to him how the world works (not that I want to; I don’t want my kneecaps to burst).

In all seriousness, this is one of the most horrible statements this idiot has ever made. Not only is Chick candidly stating that he’s a bigot, he’s also undermining all of the victims of AIDS, including rape victims and children who acquired it from their infected mothers. He’s also indicating that finding a cure for AIDS is a terrible act of heathens, as if a cure would destroy God’s plans for the destruction of corrupted sinners. AIDS is not just a problem for same-sex couples, it’s a problem for humanity in general, and inferring that AIDS research is against the will of God isn’t just an unpopular opinion, it’s a bad opinion. Osama bin Laden bad. Terrorist…

Anyway, the camera man, this tract’s Perfect Christian Guy, informs his bigot partner to settle down and establishes that “these poor souls need Christ.” The bigot tells him to stop preaching, because “these people are so filled with hate, they’d tear us to pieces.” Wow, those heathens are so evil, even the other heathens realize it. And all at a civil rights rally, too.

During breakdown, the Christian pleads to God to let him speak with at least one heathen to “prove I love them.” Er, not the best way to phrase that at a pro-homosexual rally, my Chickian friend, but we’ll let it slide for now. God was apparently feeling merciful, because a Confused Ignorant Guy shows up and asks the Christian what he thought of the rally. He claims “You guys are 4000 years too late. This is Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.”

I’ve read and re-read this, and the phrasing just doesn’t make sense. According to Chick, most of Sodom was gay anyway, so they really didn’t need gay right rallies, because evil sinners aren’t going to oppress themselves. I’m willing to let this go, but I’m quick to question this Gomorrah thing.

Like most knowledgeable Christians, Chick never elaborates on this, so let me take a second to set the record straight on this Gomorrah business. Gomorrah was part of a group of five towns, the other four being Admah, Zeboim, Bela (or Zoar), and, of course, Sodom. In keeping with Biblical tradition of vagueness, inconsistency, and missing information, neither Admah, Zeboim, or Bela are even mentioned. Research suggests Admah and Zeboim were also destroyed along with Sodom and Gomorrah (Bela's fate is argued). So there, because the Christians refused to explain it to you because they didn't know, that's what the deal is. Not that it changes the meaning, but it just shows how the Bible isn't the best historical document in the world, among many other points.

Instead of clarifying this like he should, Chick only tells and re-tells and re-re-tells the story of Sodom, which seems to interest him way too much. And if you think we’re going to get around to explaining everything this time, think again.

Not that he doesn’t tell the Sodom story a little differently this go around; he never tells the story with all of the same details. Don’t think you’re going to learn anything new today; Chick just wants to hate homosexuals. Since this story varies a bit from the last time I mentioned it, I’ll give the full version in a minute, just don’t except me to do it again (and believe me, Chick does tell the story again, just with some different details).

The Ignorant Guy figures out that this is a “Bible thing” and refuses to listen, but the Christian reminds him that he spent three hours taping “his” event, so the Ignorant Guy can at least spare five minutes. The Ignorant Guy agrees, but warns the Christian not to try and convert him. The blatantly homosexual biker guy in the front provides sheltered Chickians an accurate depiction of at what heathen gays look like.

The story starts out with Abraham and his nephew, Lot. Apparently, there was a lot of fighting going on between cattle herdsman (you know how prone to violence those cattle herdsman are). Fortunately, Abraham (the “man God chose to change world history”) came up with a plan: he would divide the lands between Lot and himself. How claiming ownership over land is going to stop irate herdsman from beating each other up I haven’t the foggiest, but what we do know is greedy ol’ Lot decided to take the good land of Jordan for himself.

Little did he know, the evil town of Sodom was in Jordan. Not that he seemed to care. While Abraham was off being a good servant of God in Mamre, Lot was settling down in Sodom. You know, if it was such a terrible place, he could have probably found somewhere else on his land to live, but it really doesn’t look so bad.

Oops, spoke too soon. Just check out this lovely montage of Satanic activities: homosexuality, idol wish, coveting, GAY pedophilia (although, ironically, pedophilia isn’t listed as a sin. In fact, some religious scholars believe that the virgin Mary was thirteen when she had Jesus, which almost states that, at least, giving birth when you're not married is all right, so long as you don’t have sex, but we’re not going to get into that argument now).

I’m giving Chick and his legendary artist Fred Carter credit here for making the last panel, which is one of the most famous panels in Chick history, so utterly disturbing, what with the really hairy guy and his pedophilic lust and all. It’s also pretty funny, since Chick doesn’t find any fault in depicting a fat hairy ape ready to rape a child to prove his point, but he refuses to use curse words. It’s good to know this guy has standards.

I’d also like to point out that, once again, Chick depicts homosexuals reacting unnaturally to their evil lusts. Just look at those two in the front sweat away, like they know that they’re evil and they’re just being gay so they can spite God. They also look ugly as baboon’s butt covered in hives, because, after all, you don’t want the homosexual lifestyle to look good. Unnatural and unconvincing, but that’s not the point here. The point is to prove that people who go against God are hideous, wicked human beings.

God decides that it’s time to take action, and so begins the story once again. God sends two angels to tell Abraham that Sodom is going to be destroyed. Because Lot was there, Abraham begs them to spare the city if he could find fifty righteous people. Since he was a good servant, God agreed, but it wasn’t long before Abraham realized that this was too hefty an order. He negotiated the offer down to ten righteous people, but even that was too much. The entire city was rotten to the core, so it was time for the barbeque.

The angels wandered into town looking for Lot, who immediately noticed them and knew that he had to get them off of the streets, or else the perverts would be satisfying their homosexual cherub fetish. The angels agreed to stay at his house, but it wasn’t long before the mass of twisted heathens figured out that there was some fresh meat in town. They knocked on Lot’s door and demanded he send out the angels so they could do the nasty with them.

Lot begged the crowd to leave his guests alone and take his virgin daughters instead. Aw, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it? Apparently, it was proper custom at the time to treat guests with the utmost care, so tossing a few of your own daughters into a sea of depravity instead of total strangers is the best option in this situation. Who cares if their virginity is torn apart by these heathens, so long as the guests feel right at home?

Well, the crowd doesn’t much care for women, being evil homosexuals and all. Since they can’t have any hot gay angel sex, they decide to take Lot for a spin instead. “Lot was terrified as the swearing, clawing perverts lunged for him.” Gasp! Not swearing! We could have looked past the pedophile thing (well, if it were with a girl, and the party involved was married), but not swearing! Lot is sure in a lot of trouble.

Fortunately for him, one of the angels pulls Lot back inside and blinds the heathens (or, by the looks of things, turns them into zombies), who were still trying to get at Lot, but quickly lose interest and give up. As soon as things settled down, Lot begins warning his relatives about Sodom’s impending doom. Of course, “they laughed at God’s warning,” so the angels force Lot, his wife, and his daughters out of the city. What’s funny is in the panel, one of the angels tells him “Hurry! Or you’ll be killed!” but also tells him “We can’t destroy Sodom until you’re safe!” Sounds to me like Lot could have slept on it and had a relaxing breakfast before he left. Make up your mind.

If it were me, I’d take this opportunity to pick up a few things from other people’s houses, since the show wouldn’t begin until I was gone and it was all going to be destroyed anyway, but I’m just a lowly heathen. Anyhow, Lot escapes and God launches a blazing hell fury upon the city, erasing it from existence and, as I said before, effectively providing Satan with a lot of free souls. Abraham, meanwhile, looks over the city, probably relieved that he didn’t get the land of Jordan for himself after all. Just think of the drop in property value after this! No one is going to want to live in a land where the city may be obliterated by a rain of fire, no matter how superior it is to Mamre.

The lesson learned here is “GOD DOESN’T PLAY GAMES! He destroyed the entire city because of the sin of homosexuality!” We also learn that “All who rebel against God will be cast into a lake of fire.” He also learn that Chick can’t remember the Ten Commandments (if you can’t either, here’s my handy reference).

This is the good part. Chick states that “God gave his laws to Moses, and like it or not, God condemns the sin of homosexuality.” The humor in this is, God doesn’t actually outlaw homosexuality in the Ten Commandments. The only way you could possibly interpret this is with the seventh commandment, which forbids adultery. And this only applies if you subscribe to the belief that adultery is also the act of sex outside of marriage. Ergo, if gay marriage is legalized, then homosexuality wouldn’t violate any of the Ten Commandants! Isn’t logic fun?! Whee!

God, of course, outlaws homosexuality in Leviticus 18:22, which is the only part of the Mosaic Code that anyone even pays attention to these days. Everything else in Leviticus is too damn inconvenient.

Back in reality, the Ignorant Guy tells the Christian that he’s going to piss a lot of people off and wonders why he’s “sticking [his] neck out like this.” The Christian replies, “Because I really care about homosexuals… and I want them to know they will face a horrible judgment.” Aw! What a way to show you care: tell someone they’re going to burn in Hell for all eternity!

But wait, “the good news is God loves homosexuals and wants to save them… and set them free!” We learn that Jesus died for our sins, so the Ignorant Guy (whose name, it turns out, is Sean) immediately gives himself to Christ. A somber message states: “Reader: Some one loved you enough to tell the truth. The ONLY way to escape the sin of homosexuality is through Jesus Christ. Please trust him as your own personal Saviour right now.”

Holy crap! I’m gay and I didn’t even know it! And it looks like the only way I can turn straight is to turn to Jesus! Wow, and to think that I thought what I was doing was going to keep me from the sin of homosexuality, all that liking girls and stuff. I’m glad we cleared that up!

And that’s another one of Chick’s anti-gay tracts down. What we’ve learned from this one is that the government is thinking about killing everyone with blood terrorism and you can have sex with children so long as you’re married to them. We also learn that we’re gay even if we don’t lust after the same sex, so consider that, men, the next time you find yourself turned on by a Brad Pitt poster. It’s not your fault! It’s sin! Oh, we also learn Jack Chick can’t keep his facts straight, but we already knew that one

Special thanks to Wikipedia.org and Bible.com for providing me with information used for this article.
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All images are from Chick.com and are owned by them, as if anyone else would want to claim responsibility. If you want to check out this tract in its entirety, click here. If the address doesn't work, contact me immediately, since there's an off-chance our friendly Chickians decided to change the URL. What, they don't want MORE hits?