Pessimistic Politics: Chick Tract Trashing

For the first entry in Chick Tract Trashing, we present one of my favorite Chick tracts. Actually, there are plenty more that I like as much as this one. Trying to choose one to be the first entry was almost impossible, sort of like having to smash one of my anime DVDs with a hammer. But I think this one deserves the honors not only because the plot is a thinly-disguised setup to let heathens make fools of themselves, it’s also the first time Chick tries to make homosexuals look more natural together, but like everything else he tries, it fails. Well, except making him look like a spiteful ass; he’s got that pinned down pretty well. Li'l Susy also makes a grand appearance in this one, and we all love her.

Susy’s witch-like teacher, Miss Henn, announces to the class that she has a “big surprise” for them. For reasons unknown, two dentists decide to grace the class with their presence, but since they are “wonderful men” and “highly respected in the community,” Miss Henn is willing to look past that. Actually, one of them looks like a stereotypical psychiatrist while the other looks like a professional child molester, but that doesn’t really matter. All we know is that they’re heathens, and once you committed one sin, you’ve committed them all. You know these guys are trouble because little perverted demons are hanging off of them.

The child molester, claiming himself to be called “Larry,” introduces himself and his “wife,” Charles. The class goes along with it until they realize that something is wrong by saying, quote, “Hi… oops!, wife?” Meanwhile, as the two lovers hold hands, Charles is looking pretty giddy.

This is significant, because Chick used to depict homosexuals as looking very uncomfortable when they got affectionate with each other, like they knew it was wrong, but did it to spite God. Now, he depicts them as being fruits. If it weren’t for the fact that he was a yahoo that fell off the truck from Nutziland, I would say that if Chick hit the middle ground on his depictions, he might have something, but that’s impossible for a guy who teaches salvation through rage.

Anyway, Miss Henn goes on to explain with much fervor how the two are an ordinary family and how “God has blessed” them. Meanwhile, the loving couple kiss and explain how they’re going to adopt a baby together. It would be a touching moment if the little demons weren’t making out in the panel, so you know for sure that the couple is evil. The caption, meanwhile, sites parts of the Bible that say only men and women are to be married for the sole purpose of making babies. I explained before that it seems a bit odd to encourage the creation of more sinners, but it’s God’s plan, or at least that’s what Chick will tell you.

One of the students raises his hands and asks if Larry and Charles are “queers.” Miss Henn freaks out and proclaims that “that’s a forbidden word at this school!” I like the implications here. Because an evil sinner claims that “queer” is a "forbidden" word, since it decries homosexuality, then logically, Chick is saying that it's a good word for Christians to use against their Godless enemy. I think this is an accurate assumption, since he states that he wants people to be angry when they read his tracts, which I think we can all agree is one of the worst ways to try to convert someone to a religion. What’s next? Poking at those Satan-worshipping redskins? How about those whore-led Catholic wetbacks? Why not non-believing niggers? Chick, it’s not always what you say, but what you imply that gets you in trouble. Can it, already.

The student claims that his dad thinks homosexuality is wrong, Miss Henn and Larry both agree that he is “dangerous” and “should be in an insane asylum.” Uh, Chick, if God wanted us to let queer-bashers off the hook because they don’t like people who are different, wouldn’t we have to let racists off the hook? Oh, wait, God isn’t interested in equality, he just wants people to follow his rules! Now I get it!

After Miss Henn makes the student apologize, Charles, visibly distressed, explains that some people are intolerant of them, but one day, they will have those opinionated people locked in prison. He would go on, but he’s out of time, no clear reason for their visit ever revealed. I mean, they were there for around two minutes, tops, but even without the argument they got in, they wouldn’t have any time to meaningfully talk about being a dentist or being gay. So basically, these two were just there to make homosexuals look bad. Plastic, plastic characters.

As li'l Susy and her friends leave the school, they all turn to her for her enlightened opinion. She hesitates, saying that her grandpa told her “not to say anything” until she was off the school grounds. They insist on questioning her, though, asking if God really approves of homosexuality. Apparently unable to hold it in any longer, she proclaims that “God hates homosexuality and He warns us in the Bible to stay away from it.”

She then reminisces about the good old days, before she was born, when schools read from the Bible, because it was right and set people on the good path. But because of the evil tyranny of religious freedom, the Bible is forbidden in the schools and millions of children are walking on the path of destruction hand-in-hand with Satan and don’t even know it. Li'l Susy explains that if any of them even sinned once, they’re lost, but since God loves them, he sent his son to die for they’re sins (check out this very detailed map of his original route). He died and rose again, and “He is now in heaven and is coming back… VERY SOON!” All they have to do is pledge eternal loyalty to him. And they are saved!

Li'l Susy goes on to talk about the story of Sodom, an evil city ripe with homosexuality (I’ve heard different versions, but let’s work with this one for now). God decided instead of converting the people with his infinite power, it would be more fun to burn them to death, but there was one guy in the city named Lot who loved God. Since it wouldn’t look good to torch one of his own, God went though all the trouble of sending angels down to rescue Lot and his family, instead of, you know, plucking them out of there himself.

Of course, when the horny villagers heard of this, they wanted to do the obvious thing and have sex with the angels (excuse me: “do nasty things to the angels.” We don’t want to offend anyone). The angels blind the evil men and heroically save Lot and his family (although another version states that Lot offered his daughter somewhere in there, because it was the custom of the time to honor guests over family, even going so far as to sacrifice your own family for their comfort) before God burns the entire city to the ground, giving Satan hundreds, maybe thousands of free souls without any effort on his part. Great plan, God.

Li'l Susy goes on to say that Sodomites exist to this day, and they are known as “Gays.” Because of “new laws,” the school system had to bring these wicked men into the school. Of course, it’s all in Satan’s plan, and no matter what the law says, God still hates homosexuality. Li'l Susy warns her friends “if anyone tries to make you Gay, stay away from them!”

Whoa, there, li'l Susy, don’t you realize that most people who find themselves wrestling with their sexual identity try to convince themselves that they are NOT gay? Homosexuals are still considered a minority, and like most minorities, society handles them with great care so it doesn’t offend them. I also don’t think you can “become gay” because someone tries to make you. I’m not saying that homosexuality is a born-in or social trait (I think social, but I’m only qualified to rant, not make conclusions), but I’m pretty sure homosexuality isn’t like a mugging. A person can be raped by someone of the same sex, yes, but that doesn’t mean the victim is going to like it.

Li'l Susy finishes with the usual spiel about how Jesus loves you and you’ll be saved if you accept him. She assures you that you shouldn’t feel bad if Satan’s friends laugh at you, because if you’re a Christian, you’re right and everyone else is wrong. And you know what? That about sums it all up.

So what we’ve learned is that homosexuals are sinister heathens who have penetrated (get your mind out of the gutter) society and intend to make everyone in the world GAY, which God hates because it’s evil. We know this because there’s a story in the Bible about it. Also, you can only be saved if you accept Jesus as your savior.

This is just one of several tracts where Chick makes a complete idiot of himself by telling lies about the intentions of homosexuals and depicting them as unkempt, horrible people bent on the destruction of society. I also love how the government is supposed to have this big conspiracy against the majority. I mean, wouldn’t it be easier to wipe out the minority? Most of those in power are heterosexual, so if there was any conspiracy, wouldn’t it be against those who are different from them?

I think Chick is just upset that America strives for equality and acceptance to almost everyone, much like God. Except God apparently doesn’t accept everybody, not based on what kind of person they are, but who they prefer to be intimate with. I don’t know about you, but I’m at constant odds with how a child murderer/rapist/Neo Pagan who accepts Jesus seconds before he’s executed can get into Heaven, but a person who doesn’t hurt anyone gets kicked straight to Hell because he doesn’t accept Jesus, even if he, let’s say, worships God. But it’s all in God’s Plan, so what do I know?

I know that it sounds really dumb, as does Chick, who keeps embarrassing himself with these tracts. Not that I want him to stop. Hey, they’re a lot of fun.

All images are from Chick.com and are owned by them, as if anyone else would want to claim responsibility. If you want to check out this tract in its entirety, click here. If the address doesn't work, contact me immediately, since there's an off-chance our friendly Chickians decided to change the URL. What, they don't want MORE hits?