Yep, someone’s bothering me.

I’m not sure how many people are aware of Chick Publications or Jack Chick, but I can assume that those who are in a place with a lot of different types of people, like a college campus or the New York subway system, have probably encountered the meek, self-conscious guy that hands out little comics about Jesus and scuttles off on his mission to scatter more of these books around. That’s a Chick Publications Bible tract.

For those you who are wisely hiding in the safety of your home, the Chick tract is a small comic booklet that claims that whatever you believe right now is wrong and you're going to Hell unless you accept Jesus Christ as your savior.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that this is not a hate message, and I am not trying to rally a bunch of protesting freaks to burn down churches. The purpose of this article is to explore the Chick tract and bring its methods up to criticism, which, to jump the gun, isn’t all that hard of a task. Take this article for its face value: a satirical piece chastising the use of religious propaganda, and not a strike against any religions, including the Christian sect that these tracts are promoting.

In fact, I come from a Lutheran background. The church I went to was fairly liberal about leaving people alone about their beliefs, so, in theory, the whole lot could be quiet atheists and there isn’t any way to tell. Topics of other religions and ways of living was mostly on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis, so we’d get the Word of God, thank Jesus, leave some cash on our way out, and wait for Monday.

I made it through confirmation, and eventually backed away from the church, in part because I was self-conscious about how to talk about God, and worried I would offend him. I decided that this fear was not what religion was supposed to be, so I stopped associating myself as a Christian, because I wasn’t. I soon realized I didn’t believe in a religion enough to accept it as truth, because joining one religion usually means that you believe all others that contradict your beliefs are wrong. I simply didn’t have enough information or faith to make a choice like that, so I stayed away.

I believe that religion has its purpose, no matter what you believe in personally. It can help fill in some blanks about the universe, which is necessary for human beings, who are way too nosy for their own good. Religion is also the basis for national laws, like the part about not killing people, because, frankly, if someone didn’t tell us not to do it, morning rush hour would be the Vietnam all over again, with disgruntled business men ducking into trunks to avoid the gunfire of other motorists.

And as shocking as it is, I have respect for Jesus. While I still have questions about his role in the world, I have little reason to believe that he didn’t exist, at least in the sense that I believe that any other historical figure really existed. I don’t think that Jesus’s existence is really the problem, or even that he was hung on a cross; people from other religions accept Jesus as an existing human being, some even regarding him as a great prophet. What happened after he was crucified is where the problems start. So, even if Jesus was a human being, not God, who died for the sins of all people, I can surely appreciate that, and would hope, forgiving my skepticism due to all of the potential misinformation there is in the world, that this appreciation would be enough to make me right with God. But it probably isn’t.

Chick tracts have been produced for over thirty years now, designed as a quick, attention-grabbing way to spread the word of God, since non-Christians don’t have the ambition to read a page of text that tells them that they are going to Hell. The idea of the Chick tract came from communist China, where the government would use similar media to influence the minds of children. No, really, and the best part about it is that this tidbit of information was disclosed by ONE OF THE TRACTS. It doesn’t seem like a great way to promote your idea in America by stating that it came from communists, but I’m not a religious revolutionist, so what do I know?

Chick tracts are notable because they’re out to get everybody. Muslims, homosexuals, teenagers, Catholics, Masons, witches, alcoholics, sexoholics, murders, pagans, and all-around non-believers are evil and are going to Hell. I was really surprised about the Catholics, and so was Selmek, who, upon reading the Catholic tract, stared blankly into the air for a while watching the last shreds of hope for the human race fly out the window. These tracts are blasphemous and offensive, and that's just they way Chick wants it, as stated in the series.

The problem is, most of the characters in these tracts are one dimensional husks that serve as one of the several possible roles in a Chick tract. I suppose this is meant to make a stronger impact, because no one wants wake up one day and realize that they are a loud, angry, ignorant, anti-Christian guy. However, these one-dimensional characters seem to hurt the cause more than help out.

Speaking of husks, now for a word about:

Bob Williams is one of the most frequent characters in the series. I’m not sure if Bob is actually a minister, but boy oh boy, does he love God and Jesus, and he sure as hell is going to tell you about them!

Bob knows a lot of people, all of whom seem to be connected to some very bad person who’s going to Hell. They call upon Bob to help guide these troubled souls into the salvation of Christ, or Bob just shows up at the right time. Evil people fear Bob, because he is perfect and never does anything wrong.

I’m not joking here. One of the characters in The Nervous Witch tract said something to that effect, and she was dead on. Bob knows everything; you don’t question Bob.

Because of this, Bob Williams comes off as “humbly arrogant,” unrealistic, and more than a little annoying. It seems like Bob is Jesus Junior at times, which sort of puts him in a position of superior Christianity. This is ironic, because religious hierarchy in the human realm is shunned by Chick.

To be honest, I wouldn’t have guessed that Bob Williams was a devout Christian by looking at him. My first guess would have been middle-aged Mexican porn actor with an LSD addiction, but who knows? Maybe he quit the specialty video industry, put down, and became THE Man of God. Without any hint of character development, we can only speculate.

Don’t think that Bob Williams is the only shallow character in this wading pool of insolence. Check out this list of other offensive oafs in the Chick tract series. I didn’t name names, because the cast can be defined as effectively by stereotypes, and sometimes there aren't any actually names for the characters anyway. There are a few consistent characters besides Bob, though, but let's get to the list:

Li'l Susy: Susy is a little girl, about ten-years-old, who has recently become a consistent character in the series. She’s basically Bob Williams in pre-pubescent girl form. She actually kind of looks like him, but I refuse to speculate on that matter any further. The point is she loves God and is always doing things to cheese off her Hell-bound teacher, Miss Henn.

Miss Henn: After li'l Susy’s teacher had a baby, Miss Henn comes in and starts teaching the class evil things like evolution and homosexuality and claims they are right. She’s in a constant struggle with li'l Susy, who seems to do everything she can to piss Miss Henn off. Going to Hell when she dies.

Fang: Fang is a dog. That's about it. He appears in a couple of tracts and contributes absolutely nothing other than some comical relief in the background. Apparently can see demons and doesn't like them. Can't say for sure if he's going to Hell, though.

Perfect Christian Guy: This person makes up the gears of the Chick track story arc. These guys know everything there is to know, not only about Jesus, but also about the Bible, other religions/organizations, proper moral choices, the United States Tax Code, and just about all the knowledge in the universe. This guy has read the King James Bible (accept no substitutes!) forwards and backwards, and memorized every comma placement and little superscript AND subscript number position. This guy is basically Bob Williams. He’s never wrong, he knows Jesus, and he’s coming to convert you.

Awkward Christian Guy: Same as above, but has quite a bit of leveling up before he reaches Perfect Christian Guy level. He believes in Jesus and is going to Heavan, but is too meek to convert aggressive targets. Frequently calls in Perfect Christians to help them convert resistant people. Angels frequently chastise these guys for having no spine.

Confused, Ignorant Guy: They are the grease to the Perfect Christian’s gears. This is the person who doesn’t know some vital piece of information about Jesus, their religions and/or organizations, or other concepts that could affect their passage into Heaven. They’re usually pretty amazed when Christians reveal even the most basic information from the Bible, and are highly malleable. However, it’s just as easy for these types to stumble into the darkness as it is to come into the light. That said, time is usually of the essence if these poor saps are to be saved, for half the time, they’re going to die at the end of the tract.

Loud, Angry, Ignorant, Anti-Christian Guy: These guys join the Confused Guys in the grease status. When presented with a (Christian) concept that challenges or offends their beliefs, they immediately start yelling and screaming, clawing for ways to prove their offenders wrong, but are ALWAYS proven wrong in the end. They are fleetingly confident about themselves. They are irrational and moronic, and usually die in the end of the tracts and go to Hell.

Wrong Religion Religious Guys: The same as above, but with their own religious beliefs at stake. They either follow the “wrong” branch of Christianity or some other religion entirely. They come in religious leader or follower forms, the leaders being the most aggressive. Surprisingly, the Wrong Religion Religious Guys seem easier to convert than Loud, Angry, Ignorant, Anti-Christian Guys.

Biblical Figures: Frequently, the tracts illustrate stories from the Bible. If you know these guys in the Bible, you know them here, unless, of course, you’re reading one of the corrupted, evil Bibles. More on that later.

Demons: Demons come in cartoonish and monstrous forms, as well as caped, skull-ish things. They are invisible to humans (but not animals, it seems, meaning animals are more perseptive about these matters), but can “talk” to them (though it seems more influencing than talking). They seem to have limited physical influence on the environment. Their job is to tempt people into turning their backs on Jesus. Obviously, they serve Satan.

Angels: Servants of God. While it’s not completely clear whether or not they are dead humans, they have human form, and their job is to foil demonic plots and bring people to the light of God. Actually, it seems more like they simply try to foil the demons, and spend more time condemning people than helping them. They are very critical of Awkward Christian Guys because of their lack of backbone when it comes to the Lord.

Satan: The head honcho of evil. Tries whatever he can to get people to join him in Hell. Doesn’t like cursing, but will (literally) call his minions “stupid” if they can’t grasp basic concepts. Loves the show Bewitched, because it is evil.

God: Creator of everything and omnipresent the universe over. Doesn't want to send people to Hell, but will if they don't listen to his religious yahoos. Has others do the work for him, even though it would require no effort on his part. I suspect he secretly likes sending people to Hell.

Jesus: Died for our sins. To go to Heavan, we must accept him as our savior, repent for our sins, and give ourselves to him. Since he hasn’t made an appearance on Earth in the last two thousand years, man has been a little skeptical in believing in Jesus. He ends up pitching a lot of souls into Hell. Claims to be God and to have created the universe before his “birth”. A big believer in tough love.

So this is basically the cast for every single tract, with different names and faces applied for good measure, except for Satan, God, Jesus, Bob Williams, and occasional the comic duo of li'l Susy and Miss Henn. My point is that the entire cast of the entire series is basically one sentence fragment long, since they’re all the same one-dimensional, wooden characters who have no other purpose than to fill their roles. I’m not sure how readers are supposed to relate with people with single-minded shells, but I’m not a big-time tract publisher, so maybe I’m just some ignorant heathen.

While I’m on a list kick, now’s a good time to talk about three of the biggest evils in the world, according to Jack Chick.

Other Religions: The first one pretty obvious. It’s pretty clear that Chick would be out to get other non-Christian religions, since they essentially oppose his beliefs. Now is the time to point out my thoughts that no religion can be proven, and it’s a matter of faith, as was the basis for another article on the subject. It’s pretty much a given that other religions are targets anyway. What is really interesting is that Chick is after other Christians.

In the Are Roman Catholics Christians? and Man in Black tracts, Chick claims that Catholicism is a false religion made by Satan to lure people away from Jesus. Supposedly, Catholics focus more on their religion than what they are worshipping, depending more on the religion than God. They also have their very own Bible that was rewritten by the forces of Satan to fool people.

While I’ve witnessed some of these ceremonies first hand, and though I haven’t spent that much time in a Catholic environment, it just doesn’t seem like that sect of Christianity is as far gone from "conventional" Christianity as it historically was. I believe that at one time it was used for a means to an end by the power that be, but nowadays, it seems like the smaller churches are more liberal about their religion, and are focusing on Jesus, even if the Virgin Mary is still a figurehead.

I believe Chick sees Catholicism as a threat because of its highly organized existence. Because of the inherent strictness and focus of the Catholics, they’ve managed to keep generations of followers, whereas other Christians sects seem to be looser by comparison. Now, churches are scrambling to form “contemporary services”, with lots of music, video, and special effects. It’s all a way to appeal to potential worshippers, who have the attention spans of house flies. I haven’t heard of a contemporary Catholic service yet, and it would surprise me to hear of one; it seems completely unnecessary for them. Of course, with all of the child molestation scandals and competition, causing parishes around this country alone to close, we may see a change to this.

But don’t think that Chick likes contemporary services. He has a vendetta against Christian rock bands, choirs, and anything that takes the focus off of Jesus. This is understandable, but clearly he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. And with lemonade. And napkins.

Chick does cut some slack to love worshipers. In the tract Bad Bob (not Williams, by the way), a (real) Christian police officer points out a love worshipper was “a little off base”, since he taught love, not repentance. This humble and loving Servant of God will go to Hell, no doubt.

Homosexuals: It’s one thing to act like a bigot when it comes to a certain group of people, but when you go around saying that Jesus himself would drop kick any gay person who tried to get into Heavan straight into the Fiery Pits, you better be ready to lose some credibility. Homosexuals really don’t fit well into God’s Plan. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, you heathen.

God apparently loves the people who are gay, but hates them because of what they are. This seems odd, because homosexuality really doesn't hurt anyone or prevent anyone from following the fundamentalists' rules, yet it seems no amount of love and repentance is going to save their fairy butts, and they can follow their rainbow straight to Hell. Seriously, murders and rapists, which are really always going to be murders and rapists, even if they stop murdering and raping, can get right into Heavan if they repent, but a harmless guy who just happens to prefer men is apparently not good enough to pass through the Pearly Gates, because God said so.

I’m thinking that Chick figures that if you’re truly Christian, you would give up on homosexuality, but that’s not really what it sounds like. Chicks cites the Ten Commandments every now and then, which seems like just about all of God’s Laws. However, while it clearly says not to kill or rape (well, you have to covet a woman’s goods or commit adultery to rape, so it counts), I never learned about the Commandment that read "Thou shalt not be a fruit."

You know, I think somewhere along the trip down from Mount Sinai, Moses dropped one of the tablets of the Fifteen Commandments, looked around to make sure no one was looking, and kicked away the rubble as if nothing had happened. I swear we must be missing something.

Instead, we get stories of Sodom, which I’ve heard different, non-anti-gay versions of. In fact, the issue with Sodom seemed to be that the people there were just rotten, and a few of them just happened to play on that side of the fence.

But I suppose homosexuals are pretty evil, if you believe Chick. In most depictions, the two men involved are ugly as sin and always shown kissing or about to, and they don’t look very happy about it as sweat runs down their foreheads and they have a “low fiber diet” look on their face. Chick must have sensed that people didn’t agree with gays who looked uncomfortable together, so he corrected this oversight in the tract titled The Birds and the Bees, where gays are just plain fruity.

The only time two women are involved is in the tract titled (I’m not making this up) The Gay Blade. One of the women finds Jesus and leaves the other, so no hardcore lesbian sex. This makes sense, because if male Chick tract readers got a load of two women making out and sweating, they would be too horny to convert.

Also, every gay person in the world has AIDs. I’m not kidding here. It seems like every time a gay guy has sex, he gives his partner AIDs. If he doesn’t have AIDs, then it just materializes out of healthy blood and infects him, because God is trying to prove a point. Chick even states that, seriously, the government will use gay men for “blood terrorism,” where they’ll contaminate the nation’s blood supply with the blood of gay men, which have AIDs. This will increase the medical community’s effort in the AIDs cure, because, hey, you can’t sell medicine if all of your customers are going to die soon anyway, so you might as well give the medical community an immediate goal to shoot for. Check out Doom Town if you don’t believe me.

In the tract Sin City, a single man (an African American, so at least other races aren’t evil) protests a gay pride parade, very peacefully, and leather-wearing gays and gay-looking-but-probably-not police officers accuse him of committing a hate crime and proceed to beat him nearly to death. In the hospital, the police agree to drop the charges of his hate crime if he apologizes. Just then, a gay minister shows up and tries to convince black guy that gays are great in the eyes of God. Suddenly, Bob Williams flies through the window, removes his cape, and points out, using the Bible, that God hates the gay minister and he’s going to Hell. After some dialogue, the gay minister is convinced that he’s going to Hell, repents for his sins, and turns straight. Actually, I’m just assuming that last part, since there really isn’t any indication that the gay minister actually hopped back over the fence, but I guess it’s implied. Men: Jesus will turn you straight! He must not have been a real looker.

Heterosexuality is the only way out of Hell, but what is God’s plan for two heterosexuals in love? Baby making, of course. The entire purpose of sex is not pleasure, but to have children that can possibly grow up and potentially be evil and go to Hell. God apparently wants the human race to continue until he engulfs the whole lot of us in flames on Judgment Day, but I’m not sure why. It’s all in God’s plan, which was probably written on a bar napkin and lost somewhere, so he’s doing the best he can to go along with what he remembered of it.

While we’re on that, I’m not sure why God is so pissy about sex. And it’s not just sexual preference, but all of sex in general. Okay, we have sexually transmitted diseases that God may want to protect us from, but we have cancer too, and cancer can be caused by non-evil (but stupid) activities. You can also die from other non-evil activities, like bear wrestling. Case in point, people who don't have enough common sense not to practice safe sex and not start fights with bears might just deserve what they get. And if a person is raped and gets and STD, where's God's protection there? Is it the victim's fault that they don't wear a chastity belt 24/7? In short, disease is not a valid reason to ban sex, so long as the participants no what they are getting in to. In summary: be careful.

If you ask me, there are a lot worse things you can be doing with your time, like killing and raping, as I’ve said already. I’m not sure why sexual preference is such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but this is obviously one of those things where we have to do it because God says so. Don’t bother asking why; that’s all you’re ever going to get out of him.

Evolution: This is a big one too, because it throws the opening of the Bible right in the face of its followers. It goes without saying that evolution is evil, as is thinking that the Earth is millions of years old. Chick hates this because it spends its time poking his beliefs with a stick, so it’s evil and its followers are going to Hell.

Ironically, in the tract Big Daddy, a perfect Christian guy “proves” his professor wrong by using the exact same type of reasoning and scientific methods and doubt used to debunk the Bible and prove scientific discoveries. In other words, one side is proving the other wrong using the same techniques that the other side used to get there facts that the first side claims is wrong. Simple, right?

One thing that annoys me to no end is how Chick is convinced that evolution believers worship apes as their gods. The professor in the tract in question has a big, nicely-framed portrait of an ape that is labeled "Daddy," and his students are really enthusiastic about the idea, as if they were cheering for an underdog baseball team of paralyzed children about to beat a team of evil, steroid-pumping, flag-burning terrorist scum team of Osama bin Laden clones by a slim margin, under rainy conditions.

Selmek pointed out that it sounded like a friend of his, who insisted that if a person liked something that she didn’t, there was some brain damage involved. She simply couldn’t wrap her mind around someone liking something she didn’t, so that person must be completely obsessed with that thing, as if they had some sort of mental deficiency. For example, Selmek likes cranberries (so send him some), his friend doesn’t, ergo, Selmek must have cabinets filled with canned cranberries, and if he doesn’t eat one can a day, he’ll die of mental anguish. This is kind of how Chick appears to think based on his work with Big Daddy.

Chick is very critical about science. Scientists, or those who believe they are well-versed in science, are depicted as people who know boatloads of facts that turn out to be completely wrong when the Bible is put on the table. Scientists believe that science can solve any problem, but it will take a while. “A while” is defined by “a time after the world goes completely to Hell and all scientists will have to endure demons forcing flasks into an uncomfortable region." Again, ironic, because it was science that invented the technology that printed Chick tracts. I don’t think he believes science is bad, just limited, and God will take care of everything.

But that’s not all that’s evil in the world. Here’s a list of some more things that are evil in the eyes of Chick. This isa partial list, because there are probably a lot of things I missed, implied or otherwise:

-Other religions -Homosexuality -Murder -Cursing -Gambling

-Pre-material sex -Cheating on spouse -Anything doing with the occult.

-Harry Potter -Alcohol -Drugs -Suicide -Violence

-Hippies -Evolution -Dungeons and Dragons

I find Chick’s insistence that God hates everyone who doesn’t love Jesus to have some flawed logic to it (and yes, I’m well aware that it is illogical to apply logic in religious matters, since it defeats the purpose). Firstly, God rewards those who have faith in him and his son, yet he punishes those who have faith in something else. So, what non-Chickians are supposed to do is throw away their beliefs and come to his side, which is based on the SAME TYPE OF BELIEF THAT CHICK HAS.

Think about it. Who would go into a religion if they thought it was wrong? Why would Catholics knowingly go into a religion that would send them skipping on their communion wafers straight into the fiery pits? Why do these people defend their religion from attacks? It’s not because they are evil, it’s because they believe in their religion.

What right does Chick have to say that everyone else is wrong? The First Amendment, that’s what. So while Chick is certainly entitled to his opinion (and based on how much we as a species know about the Universe, religion is mostly an opinion anyway), so am I, and so is every person in the world, Chick follower or no.

And yet, Jesus will send everyone to Hell who doesn’t have Chick’s opinion. Let me ask Chick this: what makes you sure you’re right? Can you conclude, without doubt, that your opinion is right?

Of course you can! You have the Bible! It says so! Or at least the King James Version. So how do you know, without any doubt, that that Bible, or any Bible, for that matter, is right? The Bible is the only way any of us would ever hear about God, Jesus, Satan, and the whole crew. It’s the only way we’d have Christianity, and the only way we'd have this argument. Has it ever crossed your mind that the Bible could be a fantastic work of fiction?

Of course not! While you can’t personally prove that the supernatural events of the Bible really did occur (the important parts of the religious argument, though a few historical items can be proven or have strong evidence attached), you know it did because you have faith!

Ah, faith.

That’s Chick’s evidence, his final say: faith in Jesus, God, and the Bible. This is perfectly acceptable, so long as Chick understands, and I don’t think he does, that every religion in the world is based on faith, a faith just as strong as Chick’s, and maybe moreso. These people don’t defend their religion because they’re trying to cover up the truth, they’re defending it because they honestly believe that they are right.

I’m not suggesting, though, that Chick ISN’T right and that the Bible is bad. Chick very well could be right, and the Bible, true or not, has given countless people help and guidance. It’s just that I have a hard time believing that God, who, in Christianity, created us and our flaws, would praise those who give up their conviction for another that just happens to be the “right” one and punish those who stick to their (wrong) guns. I have a hard time believing that God prefers people who stumble into his kingdom on blind faith.

In the end, I’m forced to conclude that Jack Chick is nothing more than a hate-filled egomaniac who makes his prejudices the prejudices of others. His tracts are offensive, shallow, and tactless; not something that you would want to use to sway the opinions and convictions of others. I recommend that you think long and hard about accepting any one faith as your own, only taking it in if you feel it’s right. But I’m an agnostic, so what do I know?

I know we all have our own views on religion. For some reason, our religious views turned out the way they did. It isn’t an effort to deny the truth (as Jack Chick would claim), but rather accept the truth as each person perceives it. Who is Mister Chick to say that his way is the right? How does he know for certain that all of his “proof” is actually the real lie? How can God possible let this yahoo into Heaven when he only perceives God’s diverse creations, the many different types of people of the world, in such a black and white fashion?

I refuse to believe that Jack Chick is a man of God, or a man of whatever power truly rules the universe. Perhaps he is, though, but the rest of the world can only perceive him as a hate monger because of his highly flawed propaganda. It’s all a matter of faith, and Chick’s faith has the same potential to be right or wrong as mine and yours. Believe what you will; it’s one of humanity’s greatest and most dangerous traits.

To see more of Chick's great work in greater detail, go ahead and check out the Chick Publishing site. Better yet, check out our own feature, Chick Tract Trashing, for some good, clean mockery.