Special Ingredients: WANTED: Kris "Bubba" Kringle

Good morning, and thank you for reading this special announcement from America’s Most Wanted: the Pocky Box edition.

Many of you know him as Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, or Bubba. While his true name is frequently given as Kris Kringle, even that much remains unconfirmed. While this suspicious inability to retain a single identity in itself opens him to close scrutiny, it is not the worst of his long history of misdeeds.

The professionals behind the scenes of America’s Most Wanted have had this man in their sights for some time now, but his transgressions are being given special attention this year due to the recent influx of U.S. troops into Iraq. It is believed that this year, Mr. Kringle may attempt to penetrate the no flight zone surrounding that section of the Middle East.

Amazingly, this would not be the first occurrence of Kris’s disrespect for international boundaries. In fact, he has illegally crossed boarders, offering neither identification or intent, in nearly every major war this world has ever known. He has even been photographed several times in Iraq, both last year and in ’91, speaking to platoons of soldiers, yet has somehow gone uncaught.

Mr. Kringle has no known passport, pilots license or Geneva conventions category, and utilizes a peculiar method of locomotion that deserves closer inspection.

Though the exact nature of the mechanism is unknown, military satellites have confirmed what they term “eight miniature organic lifeforms” or “tiny reindeer,” recently spotted along with a ninth who appears to have been exposed to some nuclear contaminant. This brings to mind the old model of a rat on a treadmill, though never before used on such a large scale. It’s fair to say that with the amount of work these innocent mammals are forced to accomplish in a single night, along with suspicion of cruelty involving the toxic muzzle of the ninth, this “Santa” is also in violation of nearly every existing animal protection law. PETA has been informed, but has had no luck contacting the violator.

Finding a landing port for the UFO has proved troublesome, but most aviators believe he has engineered an enormous production facility somewhere in the artic wastelands where the laws of no single nation truly apply. In order to accommodate everything necessary for “Santa’s” operation, the facility must be similar in scope of a James Bond villain, but we reserve our speculation on that subject.

Of course Kris Kringle is not doing the work himself, but instead purchases and then enslaves midgets to do the work for him, violating not only workers’ rights, but prohibitions on slavery as well. Whether Mr. Kringle derives any erotic satisfaction from these midgets is not yet known.

It is believes that Kris Kringle has been spotted countless times by many people, but has not been apprehended either due to his innocent demeanor or his alias as “Santa Claus.” Mr. Kringle has even been aided in evasion of the authorities, and given food on a certain night of the year by several individuals who believe that the benefits of his operation outweigh the risks.

But listen to what his operation includes: stealing toys from the factory (or the store, if he's procrastinating) and passing them off as his own product. Mr. Kringle has been wanted for over 75 years for copyright violation, failure to respect recalls, theft, trespassing, breaking and entering, and vandalism (when the light cord gets snagged around his boot).

The list goes on and on, but specific incidents are almost worldwide on one day of the year, that to list them all would take more time that we have available.

Perhaps the most horrific of his crimes: last year I specifically asked for DC comics and he brought me MARVEL comics. I shall make him pay.

Kris Kringle wears a full white beard and mustache and thickly rimmed spectacles. He is most often seen in red with a pointed cap and white fringe.

If you or anyone you know has any information on the whereabouts of Kris Kringle please call 1-800-GET-FCKD.