Pessimistic Politics: Sometimes You Wanna Go...

This is one for the travelers among us; the businessman, military folk or just plain wanderers. This is for any loyally dedicated readers of this site (currently registered at 3) who occasionally find themselves in a whole other state and don’t know why.

This is for all the people like me who very occasionally like to visit the cesspools of sin I like to call strip clubs.

Because, like the title reads, “sometimes you wanna go” not necessarily to where everybody knows your name, but where they will learn your name and pretend to be interested in you for a certain amount of money.

And that is all I am going to give you of a warning up front, never, never, ever believe a stripper likes you for anything more than your money. Even though it is occasionally possible to take one home, and I have, it’s always a very complicated affair and not specifically healthy for either you or the girl. But, man, what a ride.

I also need to issue an apology for making this a more or less one-sided guide, but I can really only comment on the places I’ve been too. That includes Toledo, Topeka, Augusta and Columbia, but not much besides. I hope to make this guide a living document, assuming I feel like it later, and assuming I get to travel a few more places in the next few years.

(Hint: If you really care all that much, shoot me an e-mail occasionally.)

Now, I figure the least I owe you up front is a brief, easy to understand graph. More detail to follow after.

Location	Stages	Floor	Table	VIP	Chmpn	Sex	C says:
Seoul, Korea	0	No	No	No	No	+$200	Illegal
Ft. Riley, KS	1-2	$10	No	$25	No	No	Blah
Topeka, KS	1-3	$10	Chmpn	$20(p)	+$300	Ask	Great
Toledo, OH	1	No	No	$20	?	No	Good
Augusta, GA	1	No	$15	No	No	No	Sucks
Columbia, SC	2	No	$20	$15	+$500	Handjob	Wow
Dunn, NC/Darien, GA	1	No	No	$35	No	No	Okay

I remember my experiences in Korea, and one phrase I found myself uttering over and over again was, “Why can’t there be a good old fashioned strip club?”

Sure, there are bars and dance clubs. There are some nicer places to hang out there than I’ve ever found in the United States, but if you want to see something naked, you’re out of luck. The closest thing to it are the row of shops along the internationally renowned Hooker Hill, which the Military Police will arrest you if they see you entering.

But they don’t catch people nearly as often as they’d like to think, which is why I include them in this guide. In fact, they even have video cameras pointing down the lane so they can see when the patrols are coming, and the door is locked whenever the girls aren’t outside, um, “advertising.”

As the guide states, there are no stages and no waitresses, but you can pick a girl to take into a private booth. She’ll shut the divider, and for a mere $10 you can each get something to drink.

Then for about $50 more, she’ll give you a “special drink.”

And what comes after that, I’m afraid, depends on the girl. I’ve gotten quotes for only $100, and others for over $300. But I am going to stop talking about this because it is totally illegal and I, of course, would never do something bad like that.

Now we return to the land of milk and honey known as America, where good ol’ fashioned strip joints litter the horizon. There are times when all you want in the world is to sit in a comfortable chair while a naked girl brings you a beer. Call it an ego thing.

For ease of reference, I’m going to go from west to east across the country.

We start in Junction City, Kansas, located just outside the gate of Fort Riley. Because there are so many shaved-headed idiots swarming the place, including infantry grunts that get out of the field and want nothing but to get boners and punch one another, there are no less than four strip clubs in J.C. (maybe more since I last checked).

If you want to know which one to go to, my advice is: don’t. There is a much better, classier place just 30 minutes away down the highway, and it isn’t nearly as swarming with grunts. If, for whatever reason, you’re incredibly desperate and don’t have the requisite gas money, you should know that Mustangs is the most swarming, Foxy’s is the most run-down looking and Joe’s Club has the ugliest girls. That leaves G-Spot, which is located just next to the gay bar on Washington Road. You can’t miss it.

G-Spot is not actually that bad. They have a big stage that stretches all across one wall, with the customary mirrors. They also have some pretty girls; I’ve known a few that got picked up at nicer establishments later. The bar is self serve, but it’s convenient to the stage and not terribly expensive.

The girls will solicit you for lap dances, but generally lose interest if you don’t take them up right away. There’s also a separate room with a bed where you can have a thrilling romp with three girls at once, but I wouldn’t know about prices since I didn’t stick around there long enough to find out.

Now I delve into the much better place further down the highway, which last I checked was still called Club Orleans, but may have changed again by the time you get there. It’s conveniently located right alongside I-20 just outside Topeka to the west. Just look for the big yellow sign.

(Please note: the owners of Orleans also own a club in Topeka called Babydolls. You will not see me mentioning it in this article because it’s too expensive and the girls aren’t friendly. If, for whatever reason, you decide to check it out, and don’t let me stop you, stay the hell away from the 70-year-old Asian woman. She’s bony, cold and just plain messed up.)

Club Orlean’s most appealing aspect is that you can get in free with a military ID card. While this may or may not be a huge benefit to you, it was enormously attractive to me. That and the fact I had sex with one of the strippers.

I wouldn’t go in expecting to have sex, but I know this club better than any other, and I know some of the girls in the past have gone home with clients. If you’re really smooth, or rich enough to get one of the girls drunk, or happen to find one that is also a prostitute, you might get lucky. In my case it took three months of stopping in to see the same girl every weekend. The girls there seem predisposed to claim their territory, sometimes simply by leaving a drink on your table, so be prepared.

You can expect to pay around $4 for a drink, not unreasonable at all. Also, the girls will ask you to buy them drinks and they might think you’re rude if you don’t. Also note that the waitresses here are especially perky and nice to talk to, but do not confuse them with the dancers or expect them to do anything provocative for you.

There are any number of seating arrangements to choose from, including a velvet couch, high backed chairs, a dark nook in the corner (my favorite) or simply at the bar. You can also sit at the stage, but you aren’t supposed to unless you keep tipping the girl. Trust me, you will be removed.

Orleans offers lap dances on the floor for $10, for which you have to keep your hands glued to your sides. You can also buy a VIP bracelet for $20 and go into the private room in the back for $20 a dance, which I highly recommend. Technically, you should be able to touch anything except the crotch, but some girls have more or less strict rules and it’s always better to ask.

They also have a Champaign room for somewhere above $300 an hour. As with all Champaign rooms, make sure you’ve gotten a few dances from the girl to test her out first, that way you know what kind of entertainment to expect.

Toledo, Ohio is near my hometown, and the place you would expect me to know the most about. I love it there, and I love the strip clubs too.

I’ll mention Platinum Showgirls first and get it out of the way. Platinum’s advertises on the radio, so you usually know when they’re getting a special guest dancer. This happens about once a week, during which time it might be fun for you to get a dance from a genuine porn star. Otherwise, it reminds me too much of the grunt clubs in J.C., and it’s too busy. If you want to play pool, go to a normal bar and skip this place.

Platinum’s is just down the road from Scarlett’s, which I think is a much better place. I’d tell you how to get there, but I forget. Chris? [editor’s note: at the corner of Alexis and Detroit, next to a particularly entertaining adult book store… not that I’ve been in to any of them or even looked directly at them!]

It’s worth mentioning that Scarlett’s is owned by the same people who own Diamond’s Gentlemen’s Club, located all the way out in the country along Navarre Road in my hometown. Again, you’ll see the sign. Remember, if it is dark, do not turn until you are absolutely sure there is gravel there, or you will be stuck in the middle of a big field. I have experience with this.

For ease of reference, I am going to refer to them as one place, since they are altogether very similar. They are located at different ends of town, which is the main difference, and when I went the girls at Scarlett’s seemed more experienced, but less interested in having a conversation. Take your pick.

Both places have one large stage in the middle, which generally has one girl dancing on it at a time. There are also a lot of guys in the immediate area around the stage, but if you’re looking to sit in a corner and leer, you won’t be bothered. This place has something for everyone.

If you’re thinking about giving a girl a test drive, I recommend you wait for Showtime. Showtime happens once an hour every hour after 7 p.m. and until they close, but it might not be exactly on the hour so you have to feel lucky. During Showtime, all the girls in the club go up on stage to display the goods, then pick one lucky man to give two dances for the price of one. That price, by the way, is $20.

There are no floor dances, I’m afraid, but then, VIP dances are so much better. The girls are friendly and will eagerly sit down next to you (unless you make it clear you wish to sit in a corner and leer, which is okay too). They’re easy to talk to, sometimes more like normal girls than you can believe, and you can bring up the idea of dancing at your own pace.

There are any number of booths situated along a long hallway, each conveniently guarded by some kind of curtain. Unlike Club Orleans, the girls won’t stay back there and talk with you, and seem pretty eager to leave when they aren’t dancing. Still, they give good dances.

I don’t know if they have a Champaign room. I never asked.

I-95 is an interesting road. Not only does it connect Philadelphia with Miami, but it has two identical strip clubs two states and three hundred miles apart.

Actually, according to the website, there are six Café Risqué locations throughout Florida and Georgia, plus the one in North Carolina. My guess is they are all identical, but I have only been to the two up and down I-95, the first in Darien, GA and the second nearby Dunn, NC.

They’re nearly impossible to miss because they are the only two strip clubs on I-95, or at least the only two advertised by giant billboards. Being located on I-95, they cater mostly to truckers, who get no cover and free showers. If you don’t have a truckers license, you’ll have to pay $8 to get in, which isn’t that bad considering.

The first thing you’re going to notice is a bunch of signs promoting their strict behavior policy. This is a good and a bad thing, depending on what your in the mood for, because your car is safe as long as it’s in the parking lot, and none of the other patrons are likely to get rowdy. On the other hand, they don’t serve alcohol and you have absolutely zero chance of going home with one of the waitresses, even though they are quite good looking.

Even the dances are deliberately restrictive. In Dunn, you will spend the song (or two for $50) with your hands inside two leather straps, which you can grip tightly if you want to pretend you’re in a bondage situation. Signs all over the place indicate that the dances are not designed for you to have an orgasm, and if you have a problem with it then you should try going up to a random girl on the street and offering her $35 dollars to take her top off.

In Darien, the rooms appeared to have mattresses in them, which is something I’ve never seen. I didn’t ask, but I still wouldn’t try anything.

Café Risqué anywhere is predominately what it says, a café. They have better food there than you are bound to get at any other private club and waitresses that don’t mind you ogling them. If the brand of entertainment is more adult in nature, then that’s a happy situation for the weary driver. That’s why you have to spend $3.50 before you leave.

They also have a modest selection of toys and DVD’s, and you might pick something up nice there.

Proceeding south, should you happen to be in or around Fort Gordon, there are a number of options in downtown Augusta, on Broad Street near the entrance to Bobby Jones Highway, located in the same block.

The good news is that they’re less than 20 minutes from anywhere in Augusta. The bad news is, that’s about the only good thing I can say about them. If you find yourself without transportation, feel free to check them out. Otherwise I’d risk the hour-long drive to Columbia.

For the sake of argument, I’ll list them all here: Fantasy’s, Discoteque Lounge and the Vegas Club. Fantasy’s is, not to seem offensive, for black people, and I never went in. There’s nothing specifically wrong with Discoteque, aside from the fact that they have far too many blonde dancers and a kind of country-ish theme. Maybe you’ll like that sort of think, I didn’t. My choice to spend about three hours in (not consecutive) was The Vegas Club, because the name reminded me of Club Orleans, and because it occupies a rather slim space in the corner as though it were trying to hide.

Which is not to say the space is small at all. I was amazed, walking in, just how much free space there actually is, though still not to the extremes of the good places I’ve been to. However, just because a place is conveniently sized, doesn’t mean it’s not crap.

Take this for what it’s worth: the dancers have to pay for their own songs, and do not give lap dances of any kind. To make up for this, the announcers makes a point of saying between every song that everybody works for tips and tips alone.

There is a table set up with a pole, from which they will remove you if some gentleman decides he wants a table dance. Also, some of the dancers are very good looking, even if they hide in the back when they aren’t needed, or hanging out with the guys they know well.

But, the waitresses and the bar girl will pretend to flirt with you, and they’ll even keep it up if you keep tipping them. And isn’t that, after all, what you’re paying for?

For my final entry, at least at this point, I have skipped a convenient geographical order so I could save the best for last, I hope Columbia appreciates this.

(When visiting Columbia, you may discover a nearby club called Tropics or some such. I left there fearing for my life.)

I was going to say that Heartbreakers is the best club I have ever been to, anywhere, but that’s difficult to determine since it’s 1000 miles away from Club Orleans in Topeka. I’ll have to suffice by saying it’s the best club south of the Mason-Dixon line, and leave it at that.

Heartbreaks has, straight up, some of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. What’s more, they are outgoing and skilled in the art of pretending they are interested in you. There are no floor dances, but no extra cost for VIP dances, where you can view the other dancers to see who looks the best.

Once, on doing this, I discovered a girl who appeared to give the best lap dance I had ever seen, and it turned out to be the case. I decided to risk taking her into the Champaign room after she suggested the idea, and she… okay, I’m going to stop talking about this now. You’ll just have to guess what she did. But you know it was fun. [editor’s note to C’s family and clergy: This information will be provided to the highest bidder]

I might also mention that the sound system is excellent, and the girls dance in what appears to be a giant cage in the center of the floor, with a second stage opening up at the back if it gets busy. The music is also good, which means it is to my tastes, but you can make requests of the girls if you so desire.

Drinks are cheap and chairs are comfortable. The waitresses are pretty and will happily bring you a beer half-naked. You could talk to them but the dancers are just as easy to talk with, and naked.

There’s also Showtime on the hour every hour, with two for one dances. This is the same feature I raved about in Toledo, which is the only thing lacking in Kansas or anywhere else. Later in the evening, a half naked drink waitress will begin walking around with a giant container of Jaeger bombs on her back.

Remember not to drink and drive. You won’t have to, because should you happen to drink too much, there is a cheap motel located just across the street where the man-on-duty asks no questions, there’s porn in every room, and checkout isn’t till 11. All in all, a very nice feature indeed.

I’m going to complete my guide by re-issuing the one rule of strip-clubbing: never assume a girl wants you for anything other than your money. While the more frequent visitors realize that it is not how a girl looks that matters, but how she moves, the true consumers realize it’s even more than that. Though it may sound sad, you are paying to have a pretty girl pretend she is interested in you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Just keep that in mind, and don’t get carried away. Don’t give away all your money to some girl because you think you’re going to get laid. If you’re really going to get laid, as I have, the girl will not keep you guessing.

By the same token, don’t trade a friend for a girl. If you rant and rave about one girl, you’re just going to piss off your buddies. Don’t be offended if she gives another guy a dance, and don’t get offended by her if she slips into conversation about the dude she lives with. It’s just the rules of the club.

So get out there and have fun. Right where you wanna go.