Pessimistic Politics: Just Pick Obama

I think “tired” best describes the state we Americans are in. We’re tired to the lingering feeling our elected officials are using their terms in office as one long trip of power orgies to make up for their lack of self-esteem. We’re tired of companies sending jobs overseas, allowing them to save a few bucks and pass the saving onto their grossly wealthy big wigs. We’re tired of being told death looms behind every suspicious piece of baggage, unusual weather pattern, or Middle Eastern face. This is why we haven’t fought back, why we were about to impeach Clinton for lying about getting to third base with an intern while on the clock, yet won’t even touch the guy whose approval rating were the lowest ever recorded because we no longer trusted him as our leader. We just don’t have the energy.

How did we get to the point where we let the court jester sit on the throne and make fools of us? Despite my overt criticism of Bush, I’m fairly certain he didn’t plan for things to go down this way. I’m sure he would have been content to just be the Baby Ruth floating in the pool of American prosperity when he was first elected. His supporters were hoisting their chins up high because their team had one, and his detractors sort of shrugged their shoulders and resigned to spending four annoying years with a bumbling moron as their leader, but that was okay, because it wasn’t the first time this had happened, and he would spend his term pretending to be president and then we could get back to reality in ‘04.

And then September 11, 2001 rolled around. Suddenly, the veil of ignorance we had over our eyes shielding us from the rest of the world was torn off, and we, as a nation, turned to our Commander in Chief for guidance through a crisis we had never encountered before. Meanwhile, our fearless leader was reading a book to school children in Florida, where he stayed after receiving the news, an action that has given rise to any number of theories as to what he was thinking as he sat there.

Regardless of your personal conspiracy theory, the fact of the matter remains Bush declared a “war on terror,” one of the stupidest things to declare war on when you think about it for more than half a second. Yet we weren’t in the mood for thinking. We were in the mood to get back at the scum who hurt us so deeply, and if the village idiot was rallying the lynch mob, maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

This was our first mistake. We put out full trust in Bush, giving him free reign to do whatever he wanted in the name of stomping out terror, even though this was as futile of an effort as He-Man defeating Skeletor once and for all. We spent the next few months (and thankfully not longer) reaffirming our love for America as Patriotic Fever got out of hand, and when we came down from our patriotic high, we were talking war.

Suddenly, we were being bombarded with news of the elusive Osama bin Laden, who was somehow in league with Saddam Hussein, who had Weapons of Mass Destruction that were as elusive as his supposed terrorist buddy. While everyone was willing to go along with it for a while because we were told Saddam and Iraq were evil, we started becoming concerned when bin Laden, the leader of the attacks, stopped coming up in the conversation except as a footnote to Saddam. As the war dragged on and the lives of soldiers were lost, we began to distrust our leader, but by that point, he was far too entrenched in America’s political system to be touched, and continued running amok despite fatal approval ratings.

When we tried to catch him and hold him accountable for his actions, he would throw the smoke bomb of homosexual marriage or the presence of “under God” in our Pledge of Allegiance at us, and we focused our obsolete moral outrage on pointless issues while he snuck off. We let morality, something we as a race designed to make life better for us, get in the way of making our world a better place. Instead of using our heads, we were stroking our self-righteousness because that’s about the only thing we have left to keep us from throwing ourselves off of a church balcony.

It baffles me that we could be so mind-numbingly moronic to elect this fool a second time. Granted, the other prospect wasn’t thrilling, but Kerry was without a doubt exponentially more qualified to be our leader than Bush. Yet you timid sheep were too concerned with switching out coaches right in the middle of the big game, despite the fact we were hurting out there because of him. As a result of this severe lapse of judgment, we were stuck with Bush for another four years so he could let the country take on the Titanic as a role model while masturbating his ego until he was satisfied that he had run things to the end of their course in 2008, where no one would care about him because they were looking at the newer, better models.

I’m not convinced Bush is so much a tyrant as a self-satisfying opportunist. If he had any real ambition, he would have spent the last year trying his darnedest to rewrite the Constitution, probably with some secret clause hidden in an anti-gay Amendment, so he could run for president as much as he wanted. Or, why not, extend his term for one-hundred and forty-two years, even if he dies before the end. And I have a feeling those post-mortem years would be his best.

But that’s all over now, friends. Come the first of the 2009, Ol’ W is going to be taken behind the barn, and we’ll have someone better to be our leader. At least I hope so. I don’t see how it could get worse, but then against, I would have voted for Saddam in ’04 over our incumbent, so take my definition of better with a grain of salt.

In any case, here’s my somewhat-contradictory opinion about the presidency: it doesn’t matter as much as you think it does who gets elected. We often forget about the other governing bodies we have swaying on Capital Hill, the people who make a bulk of the decisions. The president’s most important job is a figurehead, and I wouldn’t mind seeing this position dissolved in favor of a nation run by Congress and the Senate.

Yet because we live in a symbol-minded society (rest in peace, G.C.), we’d waste too much time assigning blame when something goes wrong. With our current system, we just blame the president, which balances things out because we do what he wants most of the time anyway. This works great when we have someone competent at the helm, but during the last eight years… well, you know the drill.

The sad thing is, though we have a nifty checks-and-balances system, you know how well we, as a people, balance our checks, as evidenced by all the credit card debt we have piled up. In reality, if the president wants to do something, no one important is going to oppose him, and it ends up happening, because no one important wants to find themselves suddenly unimportant because they made a smart decision that goes against the president. In light of this, I’m not going to dismiss the blame I place on Bush, because although he shouldn’t have as much power as he does, we have enough people sticking their lips where the sun doesn’t care to shine. He made some poor, self-serving decisions, and we let him do it, but he knew we would because he’s the Most Powerful Man in the Free World, and who’s really going to stop a guy with a title like that? So it’s mostly his fault.

Now he can’t hurt us anymore (as a president, at least), and you buffoons can make up for two elections worth of bad decisions and vote Obama. Because he’s going to completely turn this country around and we’re going to be back to those glorious times when we had nothing to worry about and we can expend our energy concerning ourselves with the bedroom affairs of our leader. The country will be doing great, but we’ll be too busy being voyeurs to notice.

What are you, simple? I don’t think Obama is going to turn this country around. If it were that easy, Bush would have thrown us a bone so we would stop bothering him with our stupid problems like unemployment and fear or terrorist attacks. I think Obama has what it takes to steer us back on the proper course, but it might not happen during his term. A lot of damage has been done, and the problems aren’t going to go away just because we have a new boss. But remember, for every Herbert Hoover, there is a Franklin D. Roosevelt.

On a quick aside, can’t you people see a correlation here? We have a Republican who is blamed for an economic crisis, and then we have a Democrat cleaning it up. This alone should force last rational part of the Republican-minded to switch sides automatically. History is repeating itself, and we know the fix.

I stick by my figurehead theory, however, and I think we need to look at the personalities of the candidates. A candidate can say whatever they want to get you to vote for them, but they don’t have to do it. Whether they dismiss their broken promises by saying “Oops, looks like that didn’t turn out to be a good idea after all!” or “Darn, not allowed to do that!” or “Screw you, I’m in charge now!”, once they’re in, we can’t really get rid of them for four years unless they mess up. So they can send our young people to die in the desert if they can make up a good story, but they’re not allowed to fib about what happens to their wangdoodles, so it should be fairly easy to keep on the straight and narrow.

Because what candidates say could be on a plane that crashed in the ocean before reaching reality, personality is the best indicator of what kind of figurehead they will be. I know what you’re think: personalities can be hidden by some solid acting, but it’s a lot harder to lie about issues than personality. It doesn’t take much for the fantasy to be shattered, whether it be a belligerent demeanor at a debate or an overly negative campaign.

McCain’s campaign quickly turned nasty and remained that way until nearly all of his ads were attack ads. As I made it clear in a previous article, I find attack ads counter-productive, forcing me to question the qualifications of a candidate when they can’t fill a thirty-second commercial spot with their accomplishments. McCain and his supports have accused Obama of being a Muslim (what the hell this has anything to do with his qualifications anyway is beyond my fanatical idiot emulator), a terrorist (like the overblown Bill Ayers scandal, which I’m staring at a flier about now), and a baby killer. While the Obama campaign hasn’t been clean, at least McCain will get his suit back from the dry cleaners the same day after all of the mudslinging. Obama will have to burn his.

Although I have to balance things out and say McCain has pulled back from taking things too far. He has defended Obama when the attacks get too personal and outlandish, so he may not be as out-of-touch with reality as many think. I’m still not voting for him, though.

Earlier in the year, there weren’t attack ads from Obama’s side, and I thought for a fleeting moment that I had found the candidate who would realize the futility of these attacks and spend his campaign funds on something more worthwhile. I was very disappointed to see his side couldn’t hold back, though I imagine it must have taken a great amount of restraint to make it as far as he did. Still, I would have fired anyone in my entourage who attempted to run an attack ad. God’s blessing will fall upon the candidate who only presents hard facts, though he will be the only one running, because Hell would have swept over the Earth by then and killed all of the others.

Despite his faults, Obama seems to be the man with the nicer personality. He has more charisma than McCain, something that could be used for selfish gains through persuasion, but isn’t that the job of every politician? At least with his charisma, his detractors won’t hate him as a leader and will feel more confident about the county’s future, which is rarely a bad thing. Plus, Obama seems to be the kind of guy who would actually listen to both sides and work out a compromise, whereas the last guy was too hopped up on power to care.

As a figurehead, aesthetics are also important, and Obama can bring change in that area if nothing else. Obviously, Obama is black, making him the first black president and by default a landmark in the eternal struggle for equality. Not that his race should be the deciding factor, but when you’re going for the visually appealing, Obama is a nice change from pasty white guys we’ve had leading us since this country was founded. After spending the last eight years with nothing but and eye lemon, Obama’s image is enough of a symbol of change to give the nation some hope.

One thing Obama lacks in aesthetics for the ignorant among us is a name that conjures up images our government told us were negative. We all know his middle name is Hussein; ha, ha, that’s so freaking hilarious, a Saddam joke! And it’s easy to switch one letter in his last name and suddenly we have Osama. Yeah, Nine-Eleven jokes are fun! It probably wasn’t in his best interest to pick old Joe as his running mate, though, because now I get to see signs that say Obama Biden. All they need to do is open a specialty kitchen utensil store and call it Obama Biden Ladles and we have a real hit!

Yeah, I swiped that one from a half-decade-old SNL, but I modernized it, so it’s all mine, mine, mine.

I admire Obama for having the guts to do what he’s doing (and by that extension, I admire Hillary Clinton a little). Despite his non-American name, his darker skin, and a childhood that makes conservatives uneasy, he’s stepped up and made a magnificent run at the presidency. He’s not a cookie-cutter candidate, and while this has worked to his disadvantage, I think it speaks volumes about his character as he stands up against the odds place before him by a society who shuns those who are different despite slapping every foreigner upside the head and telling them how free America is.

What sickens me is how clueless the general public is about not only truth, but logic. There are still redneck Republicans out there who firmly believe Obama is part of some Muslim conspiracy to bring down America. Obama is not a Muslim. He is a Christian, though any logical person would know this has little bearing on a person’s ability to lead. Look how well we did with Bush and his faith-based initiative Christian ideology. If this is where Jesus tells are leaders to go, I say bring on Mohammed.

And I don’t want to get hit with millions of e-mails filled with pony and rainbow Christian ideology verses the vicious Muslim doctrine. Christians violate the rules of the Bible all the time, which is a good thing, because they’re pretty nasty. Read the Bible sometime, specifically Leviticus.

Speaking of ignorance, I’ve had some concerns about the white supremacist, both hardcore and sub-conscious, having an issue with Obama’s race. This is another twenty-seven degree incline against his uphill battle and one I admire him all the more for. Maybe now that we have a black president in charge, us twitchy white crackers can see them there colored folk ain’t so bad after all. I think this is a good step towards tolerance.

Economic issues are the big-ticket issue this time around, and I’m willing to go with whatever Obama says as long as it’s the opposite of what we’ve been doing. This may force the righteous right to crucify me on their capitalistic crosses, but I have no problem giving money to those who need it and paying higher taxes as a result. Unlike most Americans I’ve observed, I understand that in order to get all of those nifty government services like roads and defense, we need to foot the bill for it. I’m perfectly fine with this, so long as the money isn’t wasted on idiotic pork-barrels, like the Wisconsin Wax Cheese Museum.

The thing is people like me, the kind who need every paycheck to get by, won’t have to pay as much in taxes. That burden goes to those who have more than they need, the people who figured out how to make more than the rest of us. While I don’t think the rich should be punished just for being rich, I think they can afford to pay out a little more percentage-wise than those who will acquire a disease because they can’t afford enough food or adequate shelter, and that’s with their paychecks.

I’m not sure why socialism is getting such a bad rap today. McCarthyism died over fifty years and it’s time to move on. In a culture that celebrates Robin Hood-style stories, we sure don’t want to legally take from the rich and give to the poor. No, we want to keep it for ourselves, screw those who hit a rough patch in their life and are living on the street! We’ll just give them some change if we run into them on the street. Or not.

The problem is, this system doesn’t work for a couple of reasons. First, people like their stuff and their territory. If you try telling an American he doesn’t own his house anymore, but he can stay there until the government decides otherwise, you’re going to have one pissed off Yankee going Second Amendment on your ass. Secondly, equal distribution of resources would be overseen by people who would be in a position to take a little more than their share, which history has proven they will. So we’ll stick with capitalism, but understand it isn’t perfect either, and the other options have their valid points. It isn’t a religion, so don’t treat it like one.

Of course, there needs to be regulations for this sort of thing. Helping someone get back on their feet is something the government should be doing, but they shouldn’t be carrying them. I know a student who’s allegedly getting four grand a month because he has two Native American bloodlines running through him. This kid is a white boy who goes to college and spends your money on Xbox 360 games while still mooching off of others while living in a government-subsided apartment. This is the kind of person who needs the magic carpet pulled out from under him.

I’m sure a lot of you are going to bring up Joe the Plumber. All I can say is: boo hoo. You’re in a position to purchase a company that generates over two-hundred thousand a year (new information indicates they make twice as much). Maybe instead of dooming the country to another Republican rule for a possible temporary gain, you can purchase the business later or tighten your belt a little, assuming Obama’s tax plan doesn’t actually benefit you. Or you can live your life happily because YOU CAN BUY A COMPANY WORTH OVER TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND DOLLARS! Not bad for a guy who isn’t a really a licensed plumber and owes backed taxes from under Bush’s rule.

Don’t think I agree with everything Obama says, and once the election settles and he’s standing as the victor, I’m sure the reality of some of his ideas won’t align with mine. However, I’m more compatible with him the McCain, who wouldn’t even pay for dinner on our first date!

McCain may make a fine president as well. I’m paranoid about his alignment with Bush, and while he may not be Bush, his policies are too close to the man who gave me my first ulcers for eight years. If nothing else, we should vote the opposite just to get the bad taste out of our mouths that Bush forced in there. Take that joke as you will.

That’s my rant. Go vote for Obama. Or McCain, if you were going to do that anyway. No matter who you pick, just exercise your right to vote and become part of the process and shape your own destiny and the destiny of your fellow countrypersons. You have no one to blame but yourself if the candidate you didn’t want gets elected if you didn’t vote. And I’ll have no one to blame if McCain gets elected.