Paris Hilton and the Shaw-Skank Redemption
C June 10, 2007

Over the past few hours, I’ve sent about a half dozen text messages telling everyone I am enjoying this Paris Hilton coverage entirely too much. Mostly I’m bored, but in some way I consider this a strike against rich little white girl brats everywhere.

The trouble with rich little white girl brats is they seldom know when to identify themselves as grown women, mainly because they are predisposed to think of themselves as cute and sweet little girls. It’s hard to precisely define a rich little white girl brat, aside from the obvious, which would perhaps include an undeserved sense of self-importance and a complete inability to understand the illogic of their own actions.

A perfect example would be the Youtube video floating around of the girl whose dad buys her a car for her birthday, and she freaks out because it isn’t the right color. If you haven’t seen this, you really should, but there are more mundane examples, even from your own life. Personally, I always grouped my own sister in this category, which I’ll have to get around to explaining later, and probably an aunt or two who would fit.

But whatever your rating scale, or however narrow your definition (if your definition is narrow because you’ve tailored it to exclude yourself, you may want to re-read the above paragraphs), there is no question that Paris Hilton is the very archetype of undeservedly wealthy overgrown girls being treated well because of what they flaunt. She’s the queen of all of them, if not the creator, then certainly an aid to recruitment. She should be every working man’s enemy, and I’m glad of what’s happened to her.

In case you don’t have a TV set, or a radio, or a newspaper subscription, I am all too happy to offer a running commentary because I have followed this story with undisguised glee. And if you want the whole story, you have to go back to Paris herself.

If you’ve never stayed in a Hilton hotel, you need to get out more. Hilton is an international chain of hotels, which has grown and thrived by eating up small local motels and spitting them out into Hilton clones. And they’re good hotels. I’m not railing against the name Hilton here. In my opinion, big business has earned the right to be big because they usually give the customer what they want.

Hilton was founded three generations ago by Conrad Hilton, whose son Barron had a son named Richard who, of course, has a daughter named Paris. And like all men who have earned their place in the world, he wanted to make sure his family would be taken care of once he was gone. Once again, the blame does not lie with him.

The misfortune, it is never anything less, came as the Hilton family divorced itself more and more from the hotel chain of their name. Richard has no formal position within the hotel chain itself, though he has made over 300 million dollars though his own real-estate firm, which you could argue he earned though his own hard work.

(Feminists look away: is it just me or do most males try to become independent and earn their own living, whereas females seem all to fine with taking whatever they can for as long as it’s being offered? Okay, rant over.)

Paris, in contrast, has not earned herself a life. A few years back she starred in a reality show, you may remember The Simple Life, for no better reason than because she was rich. That show rocketed to fame when her, um… private video made its first screening. I would sympathize, except she seemed far less concerned with the video being sold without her consent than she was with the fact that she wasn’t getting any money.

I myself have not bought One Night in Paris, but I’m thinking about it. I can appreciate the beauty of her surgically enhanced body, though her face gives me nightmares. When she smiles, it is always just slightly too broad, and she never shows any teeth. It frightens me, and I can never look directly at her photo, but I wouldn’t mind seeing video of her being taken advantage of.

After that, she recorded an album, one song of which went to number one not because it was good, but because she was famous. I never heard “Stars are Blind” when it was on the airwaves, because I don’t listen to that kind of music, and, as you may have gathered, I hate her. But in performing research for this article (yes, I perform research), I found a clip on Youtube and almost listened to the whole thing. The first thing you’ll notice about any of her videos is that they are mindlessly self-indulgent and generally reference all the men in the world who want her. You also have to wonder that her voice is synthesized to hell, which is hard evidence of the fact that she can’t sing worth a damn without spending a million dollars to computerize the sounds and produce a distracting video.

This, becoming famous because she was already famous, marked the start of her career, which really coined the term “famous for being famous.” Nightclubs, mostly in Los Angeles, would actually pay her millions of dollars for the publicity they would get if she spent a night at their club. She was perhaps the worlds first professional slacker, and would have only climbed higher if not for the universe’s rarely noticed sense of justice.

Divine retribution struck Sept. 7^th 2006, when Paris was caught swerving down a highway on a late-night hamburger run, which just slightly too little blood in her alcohol stream. If you or I were caught in such a situation, we would find ourselves spending the night in prison, but Paris was sentenced to a couple hundred dollars fine and a mandatory driver’s education class, which she still has not shown up for. It seems even God can do only so much.

Several weeks later, Paris was pulled over yet again, driving with a suspended license due to the aforementioned incident. Now, those of us who might not still be in prison from the DUI would certainly expect further incarceration, at least community service for this level of flaunting the inadequacy of the justice system. Paris got to sign a sheet of paper acknowledging she had done wrong.

Now, this may be a joke circulating the internet, but given Paris’s past, it almost seems likely. She presumably thought the officer was merely asking for her autograph, and she readily admits she didn’t read the paper she signed. On her third DUI in less than six months, at which point it’d hard even to apply the rules of the justice system we know, she was finally called into court. The judge ruled that Paris would serve a 45-day jail sentence, specifically ruling out any kind of house arrest or electronic monitoring.

A California state law, originally meant to relieve overcrowded jail conditions, requires one day off for every four days of good behavior, meaning Paris was expected to serve only 23 days, through no fault of the judges.

However, rather than being carted off immediately to jail, Paris was again encouraged to turn herself in when it was convenient to her. Making a surprise appearance at the MTV Music Video Awards, she then told reporters “I’m going through a very hard time right now, but I’m trying to be strong.”

She finally got around to turning herself in at 11:15 PM on June 5^th, the next 45 minutes being counted as one day of her incarceration. Details about the next three days were not released until much later, but it seems that Paris refused to eat prison food and cried herself to sleep every night. She also stopped taking a psychoactive drug prescription she was on, while psychologists “were unable to explain her sudden deterioration.”

Personally, I feel that when Paris was three, her parents shouldn’t have let her leave the table until her broccoli was gone, maybe then she’d eat her prison food. Even that sounds better than the excuse given: she was terrified one of the guards would take a picture of her on the toilet. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. The fact that she cried almost constantly for three days (and probably had the sweats from going though withdrawal) did not help her dehydration.

Finally, after three days in prison, the sheriff let her go. Draw your own conclusions about the sheriff, Hilton’s millions, and his attempts to promote the reality show “Sheriff to the Stars.” Paris threw a huge party at her mansion to celebrate her release from prison.

Meanwhile, Judge Sauer is furious. Remember, he specifically instructed she was to spend her time in jail, not grounded in her room with all her toys throwing parties. Plus, he’s the only person in the entire world trying to hold Paris Hilton to the same standards we have all agreed should apply to every decent American, and for that I expect he will find a huge mansion of his own waiting in the atheist afterlife.

The judge insists on an immediate re-trial, which Paris mistakenly believes she is allowed to participate in by phone. No can do, and the trial is paused while the judge sends deputies to go to Paris’s home, handcuff her and drag her into court. She isn’t even given time to put on makeup!

On a side-note, the sheriff is held in contempt for violating the judge’s order, and the judge routinely interrupts to yell out the time, and that the paperwork describing Paris’s “medical condition” still has not arrived to his office.

Paris’s lawyers plead with the judge to meet them privately so they can describe her “medical condition” (let us bribe you!). Paris can be seen sobbing and visibly trembling, it has been suggested because of the drug withdrawals. She routinely turns around and mouths “I love you” to her mom and dad (bribe him!) and starts praying (can I bribe you?).

I’d like to dwell on this more, but I think you know my attitudes. It seems rich little white girl brats WILL turn to God if it helps them seem innocent.

But God’s either not listening that day, or the judge’s sane humanity overpowers even God’s will. When he announced the verdict, Paris screams out, “NO! It’s not right!” just like a five year old girl complaining that “it’s not supposed to be that way!” She cries for her mom, but deputies quickly grab both her arms and drag her kicking out of the courtroom. Her parents start sobbing.

Now comes the part I really like, because photographs started popping up all over the internet of Paris crying her little eyes out in the back of a police cruiser. CNN showed video from a helicopter training the police vehicle, and when it first rolls out a mob of photographers go sprinting down the street trying desperately to stay up with the window.

I casually remark, “Someday, that will be my job.”

By shear luck, the sentencing occurs after five o’clock on a Friday, meaning the government offices will hear no appeals until Monday. Meaning, Paris has to spend the weekend in jail.

Further news at this point is mostly speculative, but there has been one major announcement that Paris will not return to the VIP luxury cell in which she had been afraid the guards would take pictures of her on the potty, and into the arguably nicer prison medical headquarters. She gets to spend the next three weeks reclining and receiving visits from her sister and boyfriend.

“She’s being strong.” said sister, Nicky Hilton.

Another aside, which should not be specifically related to gender, but tends to be nonetheless. You will very rarely hear a man tell you he is “being strong” through any kind of emotional turmoil, he will either assume you know or, this is called being macho, attempt to demonstrate it. Women who have no choice but to face up to the consequences of their own actions, meanwhile, get loads of hype and praise for their “strength.”

I do know that Al Sharpton will or has already visited the prison, with specific examples of blacks in Paris Hilton’s situation who were not treated with nearly so much sympathy. His viewpoint is that race plays a role in how people are treated, though I think it’s less a race issue and more one of upper versus lower class. And Al Sharpton is cool.

I do not think she will serve the full three weeks, even though she says she will take the punishment she has earned without appealing. She said that before when she was “being strong,” and events just seemed to unfurl happily for her.

Admittedly, this cannot be seen as a very serious strike against rich bitches. While incarcerated, Nicole Richie and others are jostling for the vacant “queen bee” position, playing a game of personal politics you will see in any group of snooty females from officers wives to friends of my sister.

I doubt this will even be a major setback for Paris Hilton, who I expect will donate several thousand dollars to the Veterans Relief fund, visit Walter Reed Army Medical clinic and regain the idolatry of millions. She’s already prepping for it, throwing out comments like, “I’m amazed people are paying attention to me rather than the Soldiers in Iraq.”

Really. You think I’m joking, but the sad part is nothing in this article has been made up.

But, you have to hope for an upside, slim and temporary as it may be. Our culture has always, will always be obsessed with celebrities. But with Paris in jail, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in rehab, and Anna Nicole Smith dead, maybe America will decide it has had about as much as it can take for the next couple months. Maybe, in all the nation, one or two young kids will wise up, and maybe they’ll grow up to be doctors and lawyers rather than the rich little white girl brats they idolize now.

Yeah, doctors and lawyers. Moving out to L.A. to perform cosmetic surgery and palimony suits for the celebrities who are going to continue to have a stranglehold on the majority of the population for a long, long time. Wake up, America, you just missed your chance.

BONUS! See the video of the whiny rich girl! And don't forget to check out her rebuttle, which is may or may not be more idiotic. You decide!