|
My New Best Friend Fred Phelps and his Phollowers Chris Zasada March 16, 2005 |
|
First of all, I’ll make an open statement to Jack Chick: I’m sorry, but you’re not my best friend any more. You’re very, very close, don’t get me wrong! I love how you use your Chick tracts to paint all other beliefs and pastimes that even remotely rub Christianity the wrong way as vicious, cruel ploys of Satan to bring the masses to a fiery afterlife! You’re a great guy! I just found someone more insane than you.
Now that that messy business is over with, let me tell you about my new best friend. I was checking my e-mail when I caught a CNN video blurb about religious zealots protesting at a soldier’s funeral, and I knew instantly who was involved in this farce. Now I know what you’re thinking: how could anyone find anything wrong with a military funeral honor a young serviceman who lost his life defending his country? Fred Phelps can! Fred became my new best friend after I read about him and his exploits months ago. C had been urging me to go to this ridiculous-sounding website called God Hates Fags. For some reason, I put it off until he bugged me enough. I clicked on the link, and I didn’t take long before my brain threatened to explode. I can’t even begin to cover this site with a single article. Hell, a solid book would hardly do it justice. I don’t even know where to begin, and once I do, I know I won’t have any fun, because all of the content is basically the same message, and it’s all HATE, plain and simple. Fred Phelps is insane, there’s no two ways about it, and I say this without any humor or reservation. This man makes Jack Chick look like Gandhi. Seriously, he’s a loon. I urge you to go over to his site, but first, let me prepare you mentally for his “logic” and provide some comfort that at least one other person in the world thinks that this guy is nuts. Plus, I’m going to finish talking about the CNN video that revealed Phelps’s true form, and boy, is it a happy ending! Fred Phelps is a pastor and founder of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, which consists of about 100 members, most of which are related to Fred (and eleven of his children are lawyers, ironically. Seems like a conflict of interest with the Ninth Commandment). After reading the website, I began to think that the entire thing was a big joke. It was all too moronic to be real, so I asked C to head over to WBC while he was on a trip in the area to get me some proof, either pictures, a bulletin, or Fred Phelps’s corpse. Fred’s big message (in fact, his only message) is that homosexuals are an abomination and are going to Hell. Pretty standard Chick stuff, right? Nope. For starters, Fred doesn’t use the politically correct word “homosexual,” or even gay, fruit, queer, fairy, or whatever. He doesn’t see the point. His word is fag, and he uses it constantly. I know word choice is almost irrelevant when you’re saying you hate someone (especially if God is doing the hating), but in this context, it only serves to solidify Fred's status as ranting lunatic. I can’t lay all the blame for this atrocity on Fred. Actually, I can. He’s managed to corrupt his family and Phollowers, who all share in his insanity, having themselves a big orgy-porgy of two-minute hate. All of his Phollowers sound the same (idiotic, if you haven’t guessed), so if I accidentally attribute any psychotic doctrine to the wrong person, I apologize and assure those who it concerns that I don’t want to spend the time or effort on your stupid site, because I’d like my brain intact at the end of all of this. From a fundamentalist stand point, Fred’s got a good argument for his gay gouging. He points to a few verses, including Leviticus 20:13, which says "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” and ties it all together with Jeremiah 6:15, which states "Were they ashamed when they had committed abomination? nay, they were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush: therefore they shall fall among them that fall: at the time that I visit them they shall be cast down, saith the LORD.” Fred’s argument is homosexuals are evil, and they can never be saved, because they are proud of their evil. He concedes that a few can be saved if you tie them to a chair and beat the Word of God into their heads, but it’s unlikely this is going to work. I don’t suppose he’s ever tried extending a loving hand to anyone. I give a little commendation to Chick, who at least says “God hates homosexuality, but loves the homosexual. Here’s how you can get fixed.” Good old Fred just says “God hates you.” So how do military funerals fit into this? Simple! Fred’s maladjusted brain tells him that since America is allowing people to be gay, well, America must be evil too! And anyone who defends this vile and evil country must be equally as evil! Hence, soldiers are evil and deserve to die. No kidding. In addition to Fred’s other delightful chants, he also stands behind the slogan “When a solider dies, God laughs.” Seriously. I’m all for free speech (obviously), but even I take offense to this. I find it ironic that Fred cheers on the death of soldiers and claims God is against this country, yet he doesn’t have a problem fully utilizing his First Amendment rights. Rights that are defended by the very people whose deaths Fred is rejoicing, by the way. And this sicko gets pleasure out of the idea that the country is willing to “tear down” the First Amendment just to stop his “preaching.” If you want my opinion, I think we should let the foreign invaders right into Topeka and see how happy he is with dead soldiers when Al Qaeda is flying airplanes into his church. Needless to say, Fred claims that Hurricane Katrina is God’s miniature version of the Great Flood, a platform other psycho-Christians have taken, wiping out sinful (and, you know they want to say it, black) New Orleans. More disturbingly, he actually celebrates the September 11th attacks as the Wrath of God brought down upon this evil nation. Again, I’d like to see how he appreciates some Wrath of God when an airplane brings a building down on him. Fortunately, Fred realizes that he’s in an unpopular position, so he uses his website to create an open forum for rational discussions of his views using mature, thoughtful word choice to make him appear to be an intelligent human being. Ha, ha! Just kidding! In reality, Fred uses anti-logic, assumptions, and language below the standards of a slow-to-develop first grader to make his point, which is “I’m right, you’re wrong, and you’re going to Hell, and you know it.” Don’t think that one or two Biblical knocks against homosexuality is enough, no sir! Fred has to make up meanings and twist Bible verses to meet his ends. He claims that pretty much every use of the word “dog” in the Bible refers to gays. For example, he claims that Proverbs 26:11 is referring to homosexuals, the one that goes “Like a dog that returns to its vomit... Is a fool who repeats his folly.” This is a bit shocking, considering that Fred and his Phollowers know that only some people, and not just homosexuals, have this sort of fetish. Ha, ha! Kidding again! Fred firmly believes that all homosexuals are puke pumping, crap chomping freaks of nature. I’m not making that last one up. There’s a few times in his website that he refers to gays as “shit-eating fags,” because, in his warped mind, if you commit one sin, you obviously commit every one, even though the Bible doesn’t really forbid the consumption of feces. If so, Hot and Now is in a lot of trouble. Not to insinuate anything, but do you know the belief that if someone fights against something really, really hard, even if it doesn’t come up in conversation, they could be just covering the fact that they secretly love the thing they claim to hate? Just a thought… Anyway, at least Fred addresses everything in a mature, adult manner… ha, ha! Just… oh, wait, I already said that he writes with the skill of an angry chimpanzee on speed. Just check out the reader mail they have. A lot of people write in with thoughtful questions or concerns, suppressing their anger towards WBC so they don’t appear to be psychotic dolts. That’s the job of writers Margie and Shirley, who reply to the mail with the finesse of a rock drill. Seriously, they are not above name calling, as evidenced by replying to a letter and addressing the sender as something to the effect of “Perverted Patty Pissy Pants.” This isn’t a joke. You know, if you’re having an argument and have to resort to name calling as your sole defense, you’ve lost. These guys never got out of the gate. Now I’ll tell you about the people that follow this guy. Most of them look like normal human beings, but we know better. I’ve seen some video of these guys in action, and they’re way of getting the point across is yelling and condemning people to Hell. Anyone with a scrap of reasoning would figure out this isn’t the way to win support, so I don’t know why they bother leaving their fortress at all. My guess is that they’re just angry white trash who want attention, maybe someone to play with them. I also think it’s a case of too much lead in their drinking water. But these people are in our society (well, not OUR society, but in Topeka’s), being angry and resentful because no one but their god loves them. I’m surprised any of these people hold jobs, because I sure as hell would never work with anyone like this, because I would kill them, and the court proceedings would be an inconvenience. Their kids must get a lot of wedgies, too. Yes, they bring their kids to their protests, ordering them to thrust “God Hates Fags” and “When a Soldier Dies, God Laughs” signs in the air, or else God won’t love them and Mommy and Daddy will lock them in the closet until they believe the right things, or else. This made me upset and sick, but it makes sense within the context of their views. Corrupt the kids early and make sure they believe what Lord God Fred believes before satanic influences of tolerance and peace seep into their fresh slates. Now let me tell you about the CNN report that prompted me to write this article. It’s seems like Fred and his gang were picketing a military funerals recently, so to protect the family, a mass of bikers know as the Patriot Guard Riders hoisted American flags, escorted them to the funeral to make sure these loving Christians didn’t hurt anyone. Unfortunately, Fred developed an ion of reason and stayed away, which is disappointing, because I would have paid to see the results. I have this image of the Phelps Phollowers raging as usual, and then one of them hurling an egg or something at the soldier’s families, and that’s it. Westboro Baptist Church and its congregation would be wiped off the face of the Earth, and I would get perverse joy from this. And no, Fred, God or Jesus won’t save you. I doubt they even want to touch you. It didn’t stop someone from egging the family’s house, though. There’s no proof, but I’m laying blame on the Phelps Phollowers, just because they deserve it anyway. But seriously, seeing this kind of support against religious idiots like Fred does something for me that rarely happens: it makes me feel patriotic. Imagine seeing those bikers, the kind of people many associate as roughnecks and outlaws, protect the family of a dead soldier from moronic Christians, who we usually associate as being good, upstanding people, trying to hit home the point to everyone that these “Christians” are just hateful people led by a bitter old man that puts himself up on a pedestal. It doesn’t get any more American. This is how we should be, helping each other out. I almost shed tears everytime I tell someone. And this leads to the other good part:: I saw the true face of Fred Phelps. I envisioned him as an aged, yet distinguished man who had some physical fortitude to back up his insanity. Instead, I beheld a frail, pathetic old man (with a pink neck brace, it looked like) yelling and screaming without dignity like an angry old man who hates everyone for no reason other than he’s miserable and old. This really says it all. This is the face of the man that provides the only motivation for the Phollowers to be insane, and they treat him like a god. I’m not kidding. A reader sent a letter criticizing the Phelps Phollowers’ presence at military funerals, and asked if people who don’t agree with them should picket Phelps’s funeral. The Phollower invited them to do so “IF” he died before Jesus got here. If he croaks before then, I’m sure it’ll be a big letdown, but by the implication, that’s a big “if.” Fred is a god, after all, despite the fact he looks like he’s already laying in the coffin and about to pull the lid over. Overall, this was a pretty exasperating article to write, mainly because I haven’t even scratched the surface of Fred’s insanity. Also, I have to concede that when you stack Chick next to Phelps, good old Jack just doesn’t measure up; I actually feel a little bad for ragging on him so badly, because at least he offers up a “solution” to the problems he foresees (but Chick is more influential because he’s not blowing people off as hard, so I can’t give him too much slack). So let’s summarize Fred Phelps’s message: homosexuals and those who support them are evil. That’s all. The best way to get people to believe them is to picket at military funerals about how everyone in the world but them is going to Hell (in this case, Heaven is going to be really empty). That’s it, too. No solutions, no guidance, no logic, not even coherent sentence structure. Just yelling and screaming. Yeah, you're God’s people, all right. Jesus used that exact strategy. Now for my personal thoughts about Phelps and his Phollowers, and their influence on Christianity as a whole. I don’t see how these idiots are doing God any good. They’ve personally made me take a step back from Christianity. I’m sure it’s doing no amount of good for other people, either. Who would want to be associated with these loonies? In fact, I’m going to take a rare atheistic stance and tell Fred about the validity of his Bible. First, it was written, translated, manhandled, manipulated, and otherwise violated by humans, who shouldn’t be trusted with anything. God’s laws could have been long lost and this “Bible” could be nothing more than rules made up by an ancient culture that wanted to control people, much like Fred’s doing to the poor suckers who’ve swallowed his twisted teachings. Or the Bible could be a collection of fairytales that the lot of the world thought was real. Look at our history; we aren’t immune to a scam or idiocy. Fred’s living, breathing proof of that. Not for long, though, by the looks of things, so Jesus better hurry up and get here. And I don’t see how it matters either way. I’ve already debunked the literal Bible within the first few pages. Actually, it sort of debunked itself. As the Bible stands on its own, it doesn’t make sense if taken literally. I’ll forgive Fred if he gives up this nonsense, says he’s sorry, and stops making an ass of himself. It’s clear that Phelps and his Phollowers have no love for America, so I don’t see why they don’t just leave. They’re still some islands that no one has ownership of, so why doesn’t he steal some money from his parishioners and buy one of these, then he can sulk all day and condemn monkeys to Hell to his heart’s content. Or he can move to God’s holy city, Jerusalem. I’m sure his god will protect him from all of the artillery fire that’ll be heading his way, especially after he tells the Muslims how he feels about them (it’s not good, as you would know if you’re paying attention).
If Fred is going to continue being a spiteful rube, he might as well learn how to develop some cognitive thought. Try developing some logic and use words that might be out of the grasp of a four-year-old. If he stops putting people down, he might “improve” the Christian situation in this country. Jesus wasn’t an ass, and he convinced Fred that he was right. Well, sort of. On that note, Fred should try to put up content that doesn’t make his Phollowers look like their mothers ingested massive quantities of church wine while they were pregnant with them. I’m not even talking about the articles or the letters. Check out the video on the site that supposedly depicts a police officer hitting one of the Phollowers. It doesn’t actually show this, but they are yelling a lot, so I guess that accomplishes their task. I hope that officer did hit one of them. Don’t forget to check out the four-year-old holding the anti-gay sign; it’ll chill your heart. Finally, if Fred thinks the rash of wars, diseases and hurricanes are an indication of the End of Times, he’s not the first person in history to be wrong. Overall, the world isn’t any worse off than it was thousands of years ago. There’re just more people, and technology has allowed us to communicate even more, so we can really piss each other off more efficiently (as Fred well knows). It wouldn’t be a big surprise if we blow ourselves up, but it would be a surprise for some if Jesus never showed up afterwards. It’d be even more interesting if Fred died and stood before God, who I would imagine would throw up his arms and say “Get the hell out!” I’ll leave you with my simple protest to idiots like Fred as part of the Pocky Box Correct Church campaign. This is a parody of the psychotic little boy wielding blasphemies and an upside-down American flag. I love this kid. He looks like the kind of uncontrollable, crazed brat that would yell anti-gay slogans all night without knowing their meaning, because LGF told him to. This is the image of the Phelps Phollower. All I needed to do was fix that flag, take the bags out from under his eyes, give him a natural hair color and a good shirt, and hand him a big sign filled with my truth. And because an animated GIF says it, it must be true. I encourage everyone to copy this graphic and put on their websites. And be sure to check out C's experience doing the black op for the site. And if you want to say “Hi” to Fred himself, Westboro Baptist Church is located at 3701 W. 12th Street, Topeka, Kansas. Services in the Fortress of Death start at 11:30 AM Central Time on Sundays.
|
