Pessimistic Politics: When Slinging Mud, Use Catapults

And a few hours later, Candidate B will gather his crack team of political mudslingers and throw together a commercial that will be on the air within minutes, telling everyone that Candidate A is a filthy, unpatriotic liar, and that Candidate B actually voted to LOWER taxes, while Candidate A really voted to RAISE taxes, so don’t believe that scum, believe me, because I have a new TV commercial. If our government had this kind of efficiency and passion in other areas, we’d be able to sort out the national deficit in a solid afternoon.

Instead, we have two nobody politicians battling it out on the airwaves. Actually, this is probably for the best, because without these informative commercials, I wouldn’t know what issues were important to me. Besides letting everyone know about their stance on taxes (high equals bad), these candidates also let you know where they stand on other issues that you would never think about unless they told you that they were, in fact, important topics, you fool.

The hot button issue right now is gay marriage. In America, we’re split on the issue, and while most people prefer marriage to be the tradition man and woman pairing, more than half the country supports a civil union, and most people don’t have a big problem with homosexuals. So you would think since it’s still a debated subject, a candidate for the Senate wouldn’t bother to touch it for fear of losing votes. You would be an idiot.

I’ve seen a few commercials where candidates state that they will fight to keep the institution of marriage between a man and a woman. Others have voiced support over keeping taxes lower for married couples. Others have gone out and stated that same-sex marriage is bad. The implication on these is that homosexuality is considered at best tolerable to a degree, and at worst undesirable. They’re also promoting tradition values, subtlety shutting out not only same sex couples, but people who prefer to be single.

It seems to be a risky gambit, but it might just pay off. Ohio is, for all intents and purposes, an undiversified state. You’ll see a lot of wide-eyed white suburbanite puttering around in their SUVs on their way to Wal-Mart, believing that they are a well-adjusted, freethinking people, but still freeze up when they see a black person stroll up next to them in line. I admit that I’m still heavily influenced by my white suburban Christian upbringing, so it’s hardly something you can blame on any one person. But to lord promises of intentional oppression goes too far. Then again, it will probably snag a lot of votes.

I don’t plan on voting in these elections for a number of reasons. To make things perfectly clear, I’m not one of those despondent young people who believes “my vote doesn’t count.” Clearly it does. It counts for one vote, so it just doesn’t count for much. I’m aware that if one hundred thousand people thought the same thing, that would drastically affect an election. This doesn’t faze me, though, because I don’t really care.

Seriously, the significance of a state election doesn’t prompt me into action. For one, I don’t know the candidates. Even if they’re elected, the only time I ever hear about them is when they make headlines by stealing workmen’s comp money or doing some other boneheaded thing that makes me feel like a boob for supporting him. And all of the political education in the world doesn’t mean squat if the candidate says one thing and does another. If you think about it, your elected officials really don’t have to do what you ask them to. The worst thing that would happen to them in most cases is that they won’t get elected again, which they wouldn’t mind if they were done having their fun.

Plus, like many Americans, the significance of the local election has escaped me. I frankly don’t care what my elected official is doing, because, in the end, the decision will be in more hands than just one person. And currently, both sides aren’t offering anything that the other doesn’t, so it really doesn’t matter who I pick. Unless someone wants to pay me for my vote.

A lot of you are likely pretty critical about my defeatist attitude about our political system, and that democracy is not about what I want, but what everyone, as a whole, wants. I would really feel like a heel if I came to find out that everyone wants politicians to engage in mud slinging campaigns, because that is my biggest reason for staying away from the polls.

I’m sure many parents have told their kids that name calling is bad. They’ve been told time and time again that it hurts people’s feelings and it’s wholly immature. I’m sure political candidates have told their kids the same thing.

So I see it as a telling sign when those who are striving to be our political leaders waste gobs of money to get a commercial on television just to call their opponent names. What does it say to our nation’s children, who look up to state and local politicians as heroes bigger than Spiderman, when their idols get on TV and start calling each other names? Isn’t this sending a bad message?

“You’re a tax raiser!”

“Nuh uh, you’re a tax raiser!”

“Nuh uh, you’re a tax raiser who hates heterosexual married couples!”

“Nuh uh, you’re a tax raiser who hates heterosexual married couples and other tradition values!”

“You’re a poopyhead!”

“Nuh uh, you’re a poopyhead!”

“Nuh uh, you’re a…”

I’m sick of having to listening to this, so I refuse to vote until I see a candidate with a commercial like this:

“Hi, I’m Avery Goodman, and I’m running for state office. I do have a few good ideas I want to try out while in office, assuming they work with what the voters want. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that everyone is going to like me, and not everyone is going to agree with my policies, but my goal is to do what’s best for as many people as I can. Sometimes this will mean higher taxes, and sometimes it won’t, but I promise that I will try my best to help people of all walks of life, whether they be Christian or Atheist, gay or straight, liberal or conservative. My goal is to focus on policies that don’t affect your personal freedoms, because, frankly, I don’t care what you do behinds closed doors. Oh, and this will be the only commercial that I’m running. I’m using the rest of the money that I would have spent on ads to feed starving orphans. Thank you!”

I would definitely vote for this guy, even if he wasn’t the best candidate on paper. I’d vote for him just to spite the years of smiley political phonies who tell you they’re going to do one thing, and then when they get into office, oops, looks like that wasn’t a good idea after all. Or they don’t bother to point out that they aren’t the only ones in control of the government, and downplay their failures while pointing out the failures of others, even if those failures weren’t any one person’s fault entirely. Or they’re just lying weasels who’ll say anything to get a taste of power, even if people hate them.

And I love having these politicians waste time and money making commercials telling you about how great they are and how bad the other guy is. What’s that tell you when they can’t fill twenty seconds of air time with their accomplishments?

If everyone’s not telling the truth, does it really matter who you vote for? You might as well vote for a candidate based on the quality of their hair, because at least that much you know is honest, unless they’re wearing a toupee.

So I won’t be voting in my local elections. This is mostly because I’m sick of the mudslingers, but also because of my lack of enthusiasm. But if you have the slightest inclination to vote, I encourage it, because someone has to, or democracy wouldn’t work. Not that I’m saying it’s working all that well right now, but you should still vote because it’s your duty. How else would you get your say in the way your country is run? Well, you really don’t, but… you know, just stay home and watch TV.