Pessimistic Politics: When Walking with Children, Be Sure to Have a Good Leash

Before I get into the main topic, I want to mention why I’m so glad I bought a laptop, so bear with me, because this will take a while. When I purchased my Twinhead laptop, my intent was to have a computer that I could whip out and look cool with. It turned out that shortly after I started my degree in creative writing, with all of the creative writing it entailed, the laptop was a lifesaver, since I could write papers on my own system essentially anywhere I had time to do it. Plus, playing a quick game of DOOM II between classes is always a perk.

Another benefit of having a mobile computer is that I can be out in the world, absorbing the inspiration and beauty of the environment and becoming closer to the people. Granted, the general inspiration for the people would be to kick me in the stomach, spray paint obscenities on my back, and steal my laptop, but having the opportunity to be immersed in the poetry that is society is worth the risk. Plus, I’m carrying a cattle prod.

The poetic society I was talking about is just a fancy way of saying if someone does something stupid while I have my laptop on hand, I can write about it immediately. Whereas before, I’d have to wait until I got home, start up my computer, and then write about what I saw. Usually by that time, I realize that the topic wasn’t worth writing about, and so I lose interest and opt to look up dirty pictures on the Internet instead.

So having a laptop allows me to apply a muse when it hits. In all honesty, though, most of the people around me are boring, so there’s not a ton to write about. I end up writing drivel while my head involuntarily follows a woman's assets when she walks by. It’s not my fault! We all know that when a man sees breasts, his eyes automatically lock on. The only thing that can prevent this is an interesting and dynamic idea, which, so far, this article has failed to provide. Fortunately, I can type without looking at the screen.

The central point of all of this leads into my topic for today, which was inspired by and occurrence that happened while I was sitting in a hallway at my college, debating what dynamic topic to write something exceptional about and end up with a ramble while locking onto breasts. I just booted up my laptop when I noticed a line of small children filtering into the library located across from where I was sitting. I quickly deduced that these were children from the campus daycare, apparently going on a field trip. The interesting fact was that these children were all leashed together.

While I’m exaggerating a little, there was indeed a leash involved. The children were lined up, single file, holding onto a rope with loops in it, being led to their destination. It reminded me of a prison chain gang, expect the kids got to take naps and have a snack when they got back. The prisoners just get thousands of dollars of comforts, paid for by you, the taxpayer.

The kids were obviously led by a rope to keep them from wandering off and getting lost or running into traffic. I don’t remember ever being led by a rope when I was younger, and I was in an elementary school that resembled a Nazi training camp, only harder.

Yep, I’m an expert on strict schools. I went to Starr Elementary School, which gave me an intermediate education and enough stories to last me a lifetime. Starr was a pretty strict place, and if you were a student, you could expect to be punished at one point in your stay there. Even my girlfriend, who, I swear, has never been in trouble a day in her life, got punished by the evil Lunchroom Gestapo.

Without going into too much, I’ll mention the lines. When a class was supposed to go somewhere, students were always divided into two single-file lines, one for boys, and one for girls. There was no cutting in line, no getting out of line, and no lagging behind. If you caused trouble, which could be done by breathing the wrong way, one of the possible punishments was being placed in the line of the opposite gender. So, basically, the boys would be put in the girls’ line.

Back then, that was the worst punishment possible. I’m sure the boys would have rather been chased around the playground by hungry wolves than stand in line with a bunch of icky girls. Now, the same boys would volunteer to be chased around the playground by hungry wolves with sandbags strapped to their chests just to stand in the same line with the same girls, who have since become less icky.

So we had some pretty strict line formation guidelines, but no matter how bad it got, we were never subjected to being tied together. I’m certain that the possibility crossed the teachers’ minds at some point, though. That, and the use of rifles.

I think that the reason that ropes need to be introduced is because they don’t make children like they used to. Now, before you parents get ready to write in angry letters about how these children are only toddlers and that their minds can still be molded properly if raised right, I have to ask what makes you think you can raise a perfect human being when you can’t even remember your computer password at work? Besides, why aren’t you taking care of your children instead of reading this drivel?

I think that the modern child can turn out two ways: absolutely-annoyingly-smarter-than-their-parents children, or too-insane-to-be-clinically-insane children. It’s a pretty stark contrast, but I think it explains why teachers and parents can’t take too many chances and decide to tie their children up.

The smart kids are the product of the technological boom are country has seen. How many of you Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-era children had a home computer? How about a cellular phone? Pager? Not a lot of you, probably, because you were born in the early eighties, which had technology comparable to the Stone Age, only more expensive.

If you had a computer, it was probably either A) Running DOS, which as far as you knew, served the sole purpose of entertaining you by being able to type out “poop” on the screen, at which you would laugh until you bumped your head on the coffee table, or B) a Mac, which you could actually use, but it turns out it didn’t really do a whole lot after all, expect have system errors. If your parents had either a cell phone or a pager, you can bet that they never let your sticky little hands on it, lest you accidentally make a phone call to Tokyo and leave it on by mistake, running a phone bill that would force your parents to mortgage the house.

If you were a child of the eighties, your technological experience was noisemaking guns and a Nintendo Entertainment System, and that’s all you needed. Now, children have access to high-powered computers, laptops, PDAs, cell phones (that don’t require a mortgage), pagers (for those who are stuck in the eighties), electric razors, DVD players, nose hair trimmers, massagers, assault rifles, and other devices that I’ll list some other time. And the thing is, these kids know how to use EVERY SINGLE ONE of these devices, while you, the clueless old dork, are lucky that you figured out how to answer your cell phone (by whacking all the buttons until it stops ringing).

A few years back, one of my younger cousins, maybe about six at the time, started asking his father about checking his pager, all with an air of confidence. I have no doubt that he knew perfectly well how to use it, as well as all of the other devices in his house.

Meanwhile, I was standing around, not understanding what the hell he was talking about. I didn’t know how to use a pager then, and I don’t know how to use one now. I can use professional multimedia production software to create high-quality digital works, but if you needed me to page you, you would basically be out of luck. You may as well hand that task to an infant, because they would most likely be able to at least get a phone number sent correctly.

On the other end of the scale, we have the nutzo kids that yell, scream, bite, drool, and generally make a nuisance of themselves. The problem is, the parents, whose child-rearing skills turned out a product that believe whole-heartily that it’s okay to run around like a rapid hyena on speed, knocking over store displays and the elderly that dare cross their path, are powerless to stop their terror on apple juice from committing these crimes. If they think they do, they’re just diluting themselves.

Sometime these parents resort to yelling and hitting their children. While this might seem like a good idea in theory, hurting a child will only make them cry more, at least until you beat them to death, and I assure you the authorities will have your eyes filled with pepper spray long before that moment. The child is in control and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The only option is to lure them into a reinforced steel cage with an expensive-looking breakable object and hope you can trap them in there. Their diets would consist of whatever you could squeeze through the cage bars, and they would live in there until they are old enough to settle down and fly right (about fifty-two).

Since they clearly don’t make children like they used to (since that’s illegal now), if we plan on progressing society into the next millennium, we’re going to have to start consistently churning out the smart kids. To accomplish this, I recommend we look towards Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World for guidance. If you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s because you didn’t read it in high school and failed your English class, so you're now flipping burgers or checking car oil levels or serving as a staff sergeant in the Army. So hurry up and read it so we can get on with the article.

I think we can all agree that those people really knew how to raise kids. It’s so easy! All you have to do is set your baby down on the floor and put something you don’t want them to like, say a picture of your mother-in-law, on a little table set on a special floor and let them go for it. The trick is, they go for the object, not knowing that the special floor can be electrified by a push of a button. When your child gets near the picture, you press the button, and if they’re quick on the uptake, baby will have learned something new! Just wait until grandma comes for a visit next time! Just don't try this with boys and pornography, because they’ll never learn, and the only thing you'll end up with is a crispy baby, and that won’t do anyone any good.

Eventually, with the addition of some other steps that I’m not getting paid enough to think up, you’ll have the perfect child that is conditioned just the way you want. Either that, or you’ll have a quivery, scarred child who will do anything you say just so you won’t press the button anymore. Either way, it’s better than having a nightmare child. Or you can send your child back in time to the eighties, where he’ll receive a proper raising and turn out to have a successful career later in life, like a writer for a free opinions site. They should be so lucky…