Pessimistic Politics: International Incidents for Fun and Profit

I realize this is going to start out sounding like an urban legend, but I swear this is true. One of my roommate's co-workers apparently bought one of the extremely realistic fake guns you can buy from vendors out at Itaewan, and used it to hold up a barber shop. When the owner could only give him 60 bucks, he insisted she strip and started to rape her.

This is not the kind of international incident I am talking about. In fact, that was just stupid. Any normal person would have taken the 60 bucks and run. He probably could have held up several places that way before he got caught.

Besides, they did catch him and he got sent to the psych ward. No word yet on what’s going to happen to him, but he was apparently back at work the next day and the Koreans don’t plan on pressing charges, for some odd reason. Absolutely nothing was accomplished, so what’s the point?

The type of fun international incidents I’m talking about are the ones where you can feel that you are subtly giving the finger to President Bush in some odd way that he will never find out about. Where you can defy authority and get away with it, then laugh and tell all your friends, contributing to the growing disrespect for authority and eventual anarchy. Every little bit helps.

I’ll give you an example of one of my favorites. In case you aren’t aware, the Army Air Force Exchange Service sets up shops on every army base so soldiers can get there random junk tax-free. In my opinion, government workers shouldn’t have to pay taxes anyway, but that’s not the point.

The point is, AAFES has contracts with every military installation that allows them to strong-arm away any possible competition. I’ve even known them to enforce only buying things from AAFES, even though it’s a private company that has no inherent connection to the military. E.g. they are a big bad company that is probably bribing someone so they can get away with enforcing the class system that has taken hold in America so strongly.

This must be stopped, and it’s fun to think of ways to undermine them. Aside from shoplifting, which can provide an interesting diversion for a few moments but is still a little too obvious, there are other ways to cheat them out of the money they make from soldiers.

Since they are giving things away tax free, it only makes sense that foreigners are not allowed to buy anything in the store. I get confused by the economics, but I would imagine that if the soldier’s aren’t paying their sales taxes, someone else is, and they don’t want to have to shell out money for dirty non-Americans.

This is a clear opportunity if I ever saw one. I have made a productive business out of buying things for Koreans if ever they ask me to. Stupid little things they can’t get in Korea, like chocolate chip cookies, good quality whisky and Pez. Nothing illegal, but enough to be irritating to AAFES if they ever found out about it. They reimburse me just a little extra for my trouble and everybody is happy. The Korean has his cookies, I have my money, and AAFES is just a little closer to bankruptcy.

I’ll give you another favored example of mine. You are not allowed to transport porn internationally. I just found out about this when I got here, so of course I had about $500 in porn hidden in my suitcase,

They warn you about this in the airport, and sometimes they even search your bag. But it’s not exactly like they search well. In fact, all they really do is unzip the case and flip open the lid. If there’s not a DVD case lying right on top, you’re clear.

So far, I haven’t found anybody interested in paying for the privilege of renting my porn. This is probably because you can buy it in any random store in Korea, and because every other soldier is doing the same thing. Presumably, the idea is simply to keep American money in America. It’s fun to be a disturbance.

That law really makes no more sense than the curfew. Yes, there is a curfew in Korea. Between midnight and 5 a.m., 1 and 5 on the weekends, every soldier is supposed to be either on base or in the security of their own home. A few years ago, they tried enforcing it with civilians too, until someone pointed out it was illegal to do so. Doesn't stop them from trying, though.

The whole issue is public relations, basically, so we can deny any involvement in fights and other crimes that go on after it gets late. I’m not sure how well it works, since everybody I know has violated curfew at least once.

They do what they can, though, which becomes more annoying that anything else. Basically, if you stay out past 1 on the weekend, you have to stay out until 5. If you try coming back on base before 5, they scan your card and you’re dead. For some people, this is no problem, and if you have a hotel or off-base house, it’s definitely not a problem. On the few occasions I have elected to wander the streets until 5, then I usually end up scanning my card at 5:15 and going to bed. The guards know exactly what happened, but they can’t prove anything, and they don’t really care.

All these things are technically illegal, but they’re really stupid. Maybe a responsible person would respect the laws, but I hate people like that. I see it as my civil duty to push the limits simply because it is easy to do so.

And who knows, maybe by informing you of all this, you will be able to laugh just a little harder at all the stupid things America does. Laugh hard enough, and you will realize they have no real power over you. Follow that thought to its natural conclusions, and we will have no more America. Every little bit helps.