F-F-F-Foolin'
C January 10, 2006

I've decided to stop fooling myself.

There is no Santa Claus. To tell the truth, I can't remember a time when I really believed in Santa Claus. I can recall staying up all night to catch him, and sitting on the mall Santa's lap, but I think I was just enthusiastic about buying into the fantasy, though I would have been too young to classify it as such. Now, I'm adamant about not buying it.

In a way, I can see how Santa got to the position he is in. Santa is like a training God. It's true. For children who aren't quite ready for that concept, you present them with an invisible man who is watching you all the time and will only do good things for you if you believe in him. The only difference is that you can actually see what Santa does for you. That's how they lure you in.

But the gifts aren't really left by Santa, they’re left by mom and dad. And the good things in your life aren't really presented by God, they're just things that would have happened anyway.

Because there is no Santa Claus, and there is no God.

No God. No Tooth Fairy, no Easter Bunny, no Great Pumpkin.

No vampires. Although they're fun to think about, they're not really there, and anything I write about vampires is strictly speculative. There are also no zombies, no ghosts and no goblins. This actually makes the world a little easier to live in.

There is no such thing as magic, no miracles and no Force. Prayer doesn't work. In the words of George Carlin, "I find that all the prayers I used to offer to God that I now offer to Joe Pechi come true at about the same 50/50 rate. In fact, Joe has come through on a couple things God was having trouble with."

And because I feel it's pertinent, there's no such thing as "love" either. I don't know where we came up with this concept, but the reason people stay in relationships for as long as they do is out of sheer stubbornness. Sometimes the brain becomes dependant on its own endorphins, which is just another way for biology to encourage breeding, and when the experience is pleasurable we call it "love." When the experience of running around trying to get laid becomes unpleasurable, we say we're confused by our emotions.

I have actively decided no longer to believe in any of these things. It may not make life more fun, but at least I'm not being taken for a fool. And though I may be struggling with the implications now, I have little doubt I'll recover soon. Because that's the wonderful thing about living in a clockwork universe where everything happens according to the rules. Life will always go on.

I was driven to jealousy several weeks ago when I was forced to capitalize the word “Creator” in a newspaper article I was writing. Simply because I don’t refer to Jesus in the same way other people do, I never get the opportunity capitalize pronouns. I can’t explain why, but for some reason I would like to do this.

So I decided that I would begin capitalizing any pronoun reference to my Dog. Yes, that’s god spelled backwards. But, as the word “god” has no especial significance to me, I find it better to capitalize Dog.

He wants to go outside and get His bone. It is for Him. All hail Tucker. Rohr.

But I don’t pray to Tucker. You know why? Because I wouldn’t impose on a friendship. Instead I pray to George Carlin (whose idea I am stealing for this post, so don’t accuse me of plagiarism).

Why? Because he’s a good comedian. That matters to me. I think we would get along if I met him in person.

And I find, as the man said, that all the prayers I used to offer to god that I now offer to Dog (or George), come true at about the same 50-50 rate. Sometimes good things happen to you, sometimes not.

In fact, Tucker has come through on a few things god was having trouble with. For example, I asked god for a quarter to buy a can of soda. Nothing happened. I asked my Dog for Aerosmith tickets, and I get five of them. I guess Dogs are just good at stuff like that.

The other good thing about worshipping Dog rather than god is that it doesn’t drive me to think I’m any better than any of you. I’m not going to encourage any of you to worship the same Dog as I do, and I’m not going to send you to Hell.

As a matter of fact, when you abandon all pretext, you abandon any ability to say that god likes you better than someone else. All our wars against other countries, and against nature, and against their neighbor. Even if our problems aren’t caused by religion, they’re at least encouraged by it. Without a belief in God, when you ask why you’re being mean to someone it’s not because you’re more deserving of happiness. It’s just because you’re mean.

And, for anybody who’s interested (and still listening), my real New Years resolution is not to swear anymore. I started a couple years ago to help me fit in, and it did, but I’ve begun to realize that I feel stupider when I do it. Not that it matters, I guess.