Pessimistic Politics: Someone's Really Clever Practical Joke

I want to assure anyone who believes that I’m seething with rage over today’s topic to calm down and be assured that I am, in fact, seething with rage. Wouldn’t you know it, I contracted a computer virus, and it’s starting to annoy me. The very concept of computer viruses annoys me, but let’s talk about my personal problem before we tackle the big one. But first, a quick primer for those who aren’t familiar with computer viruses (those being in the demographic known as “common sensory impaired”)

A computer virus is a program that can do all sorts of terrible things to your computer. Sometimes it’s something as annoying as making a bunch of windows pop up for no reason (this could also be because you downloaded too many legitimate programs and don’t know how to uninstall them, you rube) or the computer becoming slower (which could also be your fault, too. You need a new computer if you, at any point, removed your current one from the retail box). Sometimes, however, viruses can disable other programs or steal personal information. So if your priest starts giving you a funny look without provocation, it probably means a virus disclosed the fact that you’re a member of the Goat Intimacy Appreciation Ring (GIAR) and sent this information to everyone within a two-hundred mile radius of your house.

If these programs are so terrible, why would anyone run them? Because, dummy, you don’t CHOOSE to run them! They sneak onto your computer like little strands of malignant code in the night. The most common way to contract a virus is through what is known as a “Trojan horse.” How it works is you have this rubber, skin-tight protection, and if it breaks, all of these little viruses come rushing in and…

OOPS! That’s not right! A Trojan horse is actually virus code disguised as another program. For example, let’s say you download a program file that contains one of those cute little animations, for example, something involving a bird flying into the screen like it was a real window, the kind that your humor-challenged co-workers think is really cute and funny and just HAVE to send you. Little do they know (which is true) the guy who programmed the animation slipped a little something into the code, like a digital mickey of doom, that, once run, will display altered pictures of Pat Buchanan in indecent situations, and you can’t make them go away ever again. This will be evident when your boss sees what’s on your desktop. Not that I’m saying anyone who likes those kind of animations doesn’t have it coming, but you get the idea.

Sometimes you don’t even have to execute any programs yourself, which is what happened to me. There I was, innocently surfing the Net, not downloading obscene pictures, when McAfee VirusScan starting shooting notices that Trojan horses were being executed left and right on my machine. The web pages were telling the files to download and execute without my input, which would have put God-knows-what on my screen. There was no way to tell; it could have been propaganda from GIAR!

Fortunately, McAfee caught most of them, but a few managed to escape and get their binary tentacles on my precious operating system. Specifically, one causes the Internet Explorer home page to go to some search engine no matter what. The other, the really annoying one, placed a tool bar on EVERY explorer window, a toolbar that leads to, SURPRISE! A search engine! I can’t get rid of it, and when I click “Remove Toolbar,” it sends me to ANOTHER search engine for spyware (another type of virus that watches everything you do, especially in the shower) removal software. Ironic and really idiotic.

I managed to delete the viruses, but these annoying glitches are still there. I don’t even want to think about what other kinds of crap may be going on in the background of my machine or what kinds of information could be getting out there, like my credit card number, my social security number, or worse, my Internet history (I deny everything). As I stare at the large X that promises to remove the toolbar but is really just screwing with me, I keep thinking that the person who came up with this clever idea should have a keyboard crammed up his parallel port, if you catch my drift.

Well, maybe he shouldn’t be punished like this, but a severe punishment is in order. These moron virus designers (the kind of people who use secret code words like “l33t” and “w00t,” despite the fact that they have not idea what the hell they mean) really need the hard drive kicked out of them, because their little hijinks can have terrible consequences for those on the receiving end of their mirth. Why do these individuals with moderate programming talent use their powers for evil instead of good (or at least time wasters, like tax preparation software)?

Because they’re morons.

These idiots are really like those punks you see vandalizing and destroying things because it’s fun. These viruses are just toys made to see how many lives they can make miserable. I think the attraction comes from being far removed from the situation. The dimwits send their virus out and sit back laughing it up, boosting to themselves about how clever and sinister they are. Meanwhile, out in the world, people are losing important data (like that saved game of Solitaire that took eleven hours to get through), and they somehow don’t think that the prank is funny. The moron doesn’t see the damage his idiocy caused, he doesn’t get to witness the reaction of his victims.

Who cares, anyway? It’s not like he PHYSICALLY damaged anything . It’s all in the virtual world! Well, if an idiot’s virus wipes out all of your important records, it’s like pouring gas on your filing cabinet of important documents and tossing it into a burning building. These cretins don’t see this, though. As far as they’re concerned, it's just a little prank, and they feel that they’ve done nothing wrong.

The worst are the people who have a purpose for their viruses. These are the type that steal your information and personal identity, and send it off to places unknown. These morons are worse than any conventional thief, because in an instant, your identity and all that you earned is stolen from you, usually without you realizing it until it's too late. Identity theft isn’t some cute little joke; it’s dead serious. And these idiots can’t “accidentally” become an identity thief or do it on the spur of the moment. It takes planning and a total disregard for other people. These are the morons that need their freedom taken away from them, as they try to take away the freedom of their victims.

And then there are the annoying occurrences like mine, where I get an advertisement for spyware software to fix my problem that, big surprise, didn’t get fixed anyway when I cleaned my computer. So to those who are unprotected from virus infection, you need to get out there and get some software. McAfee is pretty good and trusted, and if you use AOL, you get it for free with all of the updates. Remember, though, that you need to update your virus scanner all the time, and this costs money once your subscription runs out (unless you go with AOL). Even an outdated virus scanner is better than nothing, but your run the risk of getting infected with new viruses that are coming out all the time (because idiots never get bored with the same joke).

Try to prevent getting into the situation in the first place. Only download programs from places you trust if you can, and always perform a virus scan on the setup files before you install it. If you’re extra paranoid, run a complete system scan after the install. You never know what some malicious programmer might have slipped in there (spyware is a big problem here). A reasonable amount of paranoia can save you a lot of trouble and files.

As for all of you virus programmers, I assure you if I ever meet you, I’ll tie a monitor around your neck and toss you into the Maumee river, whose murky depths you shall never return from. You’re pranks aren’t the least bit funny, so quit while you’re ahead or be prepared to spend a chunk of your life wearing unflattering grays and having some serious snuggle time with your new wife, Jack Hammer.

As you can see, I have little tolerance for computer virus programmers. They’re idiots, plain and simple, and shouldn’t be encouraged. They’re nothing but morons who randomly destroy other people’s property, yet don’t give a damn because they’re so far removed from the fact that they don’t feel the consequences of what they’ve done, unlike what most conventional criminals feel. Of course, I’m not ready to dismiss the idea that the anti-virus software companies are the ones creating these viruses so they can sell their product, but in any case, you’re stuck paying for this software because someone is a complete jerk.

Some of you may be dismissing me as being overly upset, but that’s because you haven’t contracted a computer virus before. This is definitely not one of those “it could never happen to me” situations. If you surf the Net and don’t have protection, you’re going to get a virus and not even know it (there’s an indecent analogy here, but it’s unnecessary to state). So take my advice and get something to stop these pests, because all it takes is one strand of malicious code to devastate your way of life. And that is definitely not l33t.

Update: Soon after this article was written, Zasada ended up formatting his computer. The virus was destroyed, but so was a few hours of his time and untold amounts of electricity needed to restore all of his programs (not to mention a call to Microsoft to re-activate Windows XP). So when we run out of electricity and have no other use for computer keyboards than to beat rats to death for food, you can blame the virus programmers, who we deeply believe would die on day one of the apocalypse, since they're nothing but short-sighted, fat, weak, smelly, dumb geeks who no one likes, not even their pets, not that we're bitter...